It's been FAR too long since I've posted in this blog. I could go on and on about all of the reasons and bore you with details about my life. I won't. I'll just say that this blog has not been a priority.
That's a word for you. Priority. What are my priorities? Which things in my life hold places of prominence? Which relationships? Which goals, dreams and hopes? How do I organize my life? Is my time managed wisely? These are questions that I have been pondering for months. The loving, gracious and patient Holy Spirit has been prompting me in these last weeks to focus in on what is important. My version of important and His are very different. Micah 6:8 says "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Also Phil. 4:8 reminds me that I am to "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
Admitting to you that my perspective has been skewed isn't easy. Publicly admitting that I'm not the person I want to be or should be is humbling. None of my relationships are getting the attention they deserve. This home is a wreck. Spiritually, my life is weak. The 17 year marriage is holding on because of all the work I've invested in the past, but isn't getting current attention. Sweet children are surviving. The home school that meets here is barely educating. Eating habits are sliding. Weight is fluctuating. Goals are not getting met. Dreams are fading.
"In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down. Not for a moment will You forsake me. Not for a moment will you forsake me." The Lord is constant and His mercies are new every morning. I don't deserve ONE of them, yet He lovingly and willingly pours them out on me moment by moment.
Today there are words. Today I say "Lord, with your help I will try AGAIN.". Today I cry out "I need you to fix me and restore to me the joy of YOUR salvation.". Today there are words that relate my pain, hurt, grief, sorrow, fear, doubt, uncertainty, joy and willingness. Today my heart, mind and mouth unite in speaking the beauty, grace, majesty, mercy, forgiveness, holiness and justice of my Lord. My heart desires to be a DOER of the Word and not a hearer only. I will keep going, growing, changing, trying, living, laughing, loving, breathing, dreaming, hoping, forgiving and pursuing. Today I will BE in the moment what I was called to be and I will walk ONE step at a time with my God. Today. That's all I have.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
The Dark Knight Rises
Recently there was a tragic shooting at the midnight premiere of the newest installment in the Batman series. A little after midnight on July 20, 2012 a lone shooter busted into a theater in Aurora, CO and killed 12 people. 59 were injured and the country mourned.
Beyond gun control debates, in spite of the hero stories, past the sadness, grief, questions there is the sovereignty of God. I don't claim to understand it, but I, BY FAITH, can believe it. Although THE Dark Knight rises, he (Satan) is still under the hand of God. He is a created being. Created BY God. They are not in a wrestling match. God has already won the battle. Take heart my friends.
This world is fallen, broken, hurting. I have hope. He resides in my heart. He guides me. He holds me EVEN when I am hurting.
I just want to share some of that hope with you today....
Beyond gun control debates, in spite of the hero stories, past the sadness, grief, questions there is the sovereignty of God. I don't claim to understand it, but I, BY FAITH, can believe it. Although THE Dark Knight rises, he (Satan) is still under the hand of God. He is a created being. Created BY God. They are not in a wrestling match. God has already won the battle. Take heart my friends.
This world is fallen, broken, hurting. I have hope. He resides in my heart. He guides me. He holds me EVEN when I am hurting.
I just want to share some of that hope with you today....
Friday, June 29, 2012
Why I'm Not.....
*This post is very personal and possibly too graphic in nature for some. Just so you know...I warned you!!*
This post by a friend of mine on Facebook really got me to thinking. I have been feeling some very strong things for quite some time, but have honestly been too afraid of what people would think of me to post them. So, in MY blog, my corner of the world I'm going to share MY thoughts, MY feelings, MY opinions and everyone I pray can at least respect me for that.
Here is the link that my friend shared on her FB page http://www.purefreedom.org/blog/?p=320. I also have another link I would invite you to read http://sweettea.typepad.com/sweet-tea-by-lori-frank/2012/05/porn-lies-and-50-shades-of-gray.html. I respect both of these ladies and their opinions. However, the real issue in my mind, is that God's Word plainly says that lust is wrong. It says that adultery is wrong. It warns of the downfalls of sexual sins, promiscuity, fornication. The Bible also gives us instruction on pure, exciting, God honoring love.
MANY people I know, love and care for have read this book. They have read the entire series. Devouring it's pages and hardly able to focus on life until the books were complete. Well...they did finish the books so they could get to the theater in time to see "Magic Mike". "Magic Mike" a fine piece of cinema? Please ladies, we all know you aren't going for the story line, acting or cinematography. Could it be that you are going because the men are amazingly beautiful and you want to look at them? Guess what??? They aren't YOUR men.
I'm not going to participte in either one of these "crazes" because it doesn't bring honor to God, to my husband or to myself. There isn't ANYTHING good that can come from introducing these words or images into my psyche. True intimacy with God and with others can only be achieved through purity of heart, soul and mind. Would I like it if Nathan went to a movie about female strippers??? Absolutely not!!! America is consumed with pornography and we've justified, analyzed, reconciled, and explained it away into a state of being "norm". It's not normal.
I no longer choose to read "romance" novels. Although the Notebook is one of my favorite books and that movie still brings tears to my eyes, there was a time when watching it brought nothing but conflict and sadness. You see, honestly I lived many years of my life with a divided heart, a conflicted mind, a life of duplicity. My reality, as is the reality of most people I know, isn't like the lives of those in movies. Real, true, lasting integrity, honesty, intimacy, trust takes cultivating, developing, working for and towards. In my life watching these kinds of "chick flicks", reading "romance" novels and sitting around in huddles of women talking about our sex lives doesn't promote a healthy marriage. Please HEAR me. I have done ALL of these things. I am fully aware of my sin. I am fully aware of the hurt and pain I've caused myself AND Nathan. I want to be a different lady.
My heart's cry is to bring joy to my Savior. Phil. 4:8 says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Also Psalm 19:14 says "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." These Scriptures sum it up for me. I can't be thinking about what's right as I am filling my mind with that which is contrary to God's Word. He is holy. He is pure. He sent his only son, Jesus, to die for me (and you) and to actively, willingly participate in these activities, cannot bring Him joy.
It's the old saying that my mom used to say "would you do that if Jesus were sitting next to you"? Well ladies....would you invite Jesus to sit next to you at Magic Mike? You could share popcorn and talk about what a good job he did creating those beautiful men and how talented they were at stripping??? What about reading "50 Shades" instead of the Bible or finishing your "quiet time" so you could get in a few pages of your new read before the kids wake up???
God sent Jesus that we might have a more abundant life!!! I'm so grateful that his Word is truth and that I can hold onto it, even when everything and everyone else around me fails. My heart and flesh will fail, but He will never fail me. I am far from perfect. I sin. I think horrible things. I do horrible things. I grieve the Spirit. I however, do not make sin a practice. Praise be to God for his unfailing love and convicting Holy Spirit.
If you made it to this point in the post, I hope you know that you are loved, cared for, and prayed for by me. I am not going to write you off if you've read the book or seen the movie. This is MY post. I just wanted to share me heart, because I love you.
This post by a friend of mine on Facebook really got me to thinking. I have been feeling some very strong things for quite some time, but have honestly been too afraid of what people would think of me to post them. So, in MY blog, my corner of the world I'm going to share MY thoughts, MY feelings, MY opinions and everyone I pray can at least respect me for that.
Here is the link that my friend shared on her FB page http://www.purefreedom.org/blog/?p=320. I also have another link I would invite you to read http://sweettea.typepad.com/sweet-tea-by-lori-frank/2012/05/porn-lies-and-50-shades-of-gray.html. I respect both of these ladies and their opinions. However, the real issue in my mind, is that God's Word plainly says that lust is wrong. It says that adultery is wrong. It warns of the downfalls of sexual sins, promiscuity, fornication. The Bible also gives us instruction on pure, exciting, God honoring love.
MANY people I know, love and care for have read this book. They have read the entire series. Devouring it's pages and hardly able to focus on life until the books were complete. Well...they did finish the books so they could get to the theater in time to see "Magic Mike". "Magic Mike" a fine piece of cinema? Please ladies, we all know you aren't going for the story line, acting or cinematography. Could it be that you are going because the men are amazingly beautiful and you want to look at them? Guess what??? They aren't YOUR men.
I'm not going to participte in either one of these "crazes" because it doesn't bring honor to God, to my husband or to myself. There isn't ANYTHING good that can come from introducing these words or images into my psyche. True intimacy with God and with others can only be achieved through purity of heart, soul and mind. Would I like it if Nathan went to a movie about female strippers??? Absolutely not!!! America is consumed with pornography and we've justified, analyzed, reconciled, and explained it away into a state of being "norm". It's not normal.
I no longer choose to read "romance" novels. Although the Notebook is one of my favorite books and that movie still brings tears to my eyes, there was a time when watching it brought nothing but conflict and sadness. You see, honestly I lived many years of my life with a divided heart, a conflicted mind, a life of duplicity. My reality, as is the reality of most people I know, isn't like the lives of those in movies. Real, true, lasting integrity, honesty, intimacy, trust takes cultivating, developing, working for and towards. In my life watching these kinds of "chick flicks", reading "romance" novels and sitting around in huddles of women talking about our sex lives doesn't promote a healthy marriage. Please HEAR me. I have done ALL of these things. I am fully aware of my sin. I am fully aware of the hurt and pain I've caused myself AND Nathan. I want to be a different lady.
My heart's cry is to bring joy to my Savior. Phil. 4:8 says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Also Psalm 19:14 says "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." These Scriptures sum it up for me. I can't be thinking about what's right as I am filling my mind with that which is contrary to God's Word. He is holy. He is pure. He sent his only son, Jesus, to die for me (and you) and to actively, willingly participate in these activities, cannot bring Him joy.
It's the old saying that my mom used to say "would you do that if Jesus were sitting next to you"? Well ladies....would you invite Jesus to sit next to you at Magic Mike? You could share popcorn and talk about what a good job he did creating those beautiful men and how talented they were at stripping??? What about reading "50 Shades" instead of the Bible or finishing your "quiet time" so you could get in a few pages of your new read before the kids wake up???
God sent Jesus that we might have a more abundant life!!! I'm so grateful that his Word is truth and that I can hold onto it, even when everything and everyone else around me fails. My heart and flesh will fail, but He will never fail me. I am far from perfect. I sin. I think horrible things. I do horrible things. I grieve the Spirit. I however, do not make sin a practice. Praise be to God for his unfailing love and convicting Holy Spirit.
If you made it to this point in the post, I hope you know that you are loved, cared for, and prayed for by me. I am not going to write you off if you've read the book or seen the movie. This is MY post. I just wanted to share me heart, because I love you.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
When There are No Words
Today there are no words. My heart is devastated and my soul is weary. I find myself here in these words. Tears bring no comfort, but His Word is my only solace. Praise be to God for His incomprable gift. Jesus, the risen Son of God, you alone can bring something good out of this pain.
Friday, June 22, 2012
A Big Yellow Sign
So today as I was traveling to www.randallglen.com Randall Glen Farms with my four children (minus Joseph) for a home school co-op field trip, I encountered an unusual road sign. 
I'm not sure how this sign makes me feel. There are times I feel as if I wear this sign. Every outburst, every tantrum, every food jag, every conversation dealing with a vocal tic, every tear....can often be summed up by this sign.
Lately I feel as if my life is completely consumed with and by autism. At this point in the journey of my life I'm not able to view autism as just a part of who Joseph is or a gift or even a part of a loving, Sovereign God's plan. Today I'm over it. Today I'm sad. Today I'm fearful and disappointed. Today I want something more, something different, something ELSE for Joseph and for our family.
I'm weary and tired of feeling as if I have to justify every action, every detail forgotten, every inappropriate action or conversation. My soul longs for rest and my mother's heart is broken, absolutely broken. I grieve for Joseph. I grieve for myself. I grieve for his siblings, the true, intimate, lasting relationship he won't be able to navigate/cultivate, the life I think he should have. I grieve. I question. I fail to understand or find joy. I fail.....
Such powerful emotion after almost seven years. Joseph was diagnosed when he was four and today it feels as if I am hearing that word for the first time.
Maybe I need a road sign that says "Hurting, Sad and Overwhelmed Momma Area"?
I'm not sure how this sign makes me feel. There are times I feel as if I wear this sign. Every outburst, every tantrum, every food jag, every conversation dealing with a vocal tic, every tear....can often be summed up by this sign.
Lately I feel as if my life is completely consumed with and by autism. At this point in the journey of my life I'm not able to view autism as just a part of who Joseph is or a gift or even a part of a loving, Sovereign God's plan. Today I'm over it. Today I'm sad. Today I'm fearful and disappointed. Today I want something more, something different, something ELSE for Joseph and for our family.
I'm weary and tired of feeling as if I have to justify every action, every detail forgotten, every inappropriate action or conversation. My soul longs for rest and my mother's heart is broken, absolutely broken. I grieve for Joseph. I grieve for myself. I grieve for his siblings, the true, intimate, lasting relationship he won't be able to navigate/cultivate, the life I think he should have. I grieve. I question. I fail to understand or find joy. I fail.....
Such powerful emotion after almost seven years. Joseph was diagnosed when he was four and today it feels as if I am hearing that word for the first time.
Maybe I need a road sign that says "Hurting, Sad and Overwhelmed Momma Area"?
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Celebrating 17
Today is my 17th wedding anniversary.
For the last 17 years God has allowed me the privilege of learning to be more like Him, by learning to love Nathan unconditionally and serving him. Today more than ever, I am convinced that marriage is the earthly representation of God's covenant love for us. My marriage to Nathan is more than a name change. It's more than a contract or a relationship. It's a covenant. It's a vow. It's truly "Until death do us part". My heart is acutely aware of the importance of the words I spoke to Nathan in front of God and the company of witnesses 17 years ago today.
We have overcome so much these last years. Truly without the loving mercy of my Heavenly Father, I would be another statistic. My marriage would have ended in divorce and my children would be forced to play the custody game. We have overcome some serious issues and have worked HARD to salvage our marriage. Counseling, Celebrate Recovery, prayer, personal work, accountability have all been part of our journey. I have an AMAZING marriage. Nathan and I can communicate about anything. We often hurt each other's feelings, but we keep short tabs. Hurts, tears and frustrations are talked about immediately and problems dealt with promptly. There are still unmet expectations, but most of the time we set our boundaries and learn to respectfully love each other. God is our primary love. I love God more than Nathan. Here on earth I don't want to be apart from Nathan longer than is necessary, but ultimately my heart longs to be with Jesus.
There are things about Nathan that still frustrate me after 17 years. I know that I have many character flaws that drive Nathan crazy. Yet, we still hang in there. I will NEVER be able to change him. I can however help him to grow and change in Christ. I can pray for him and over him, serve him, submit to him, respect him, honor him, LOVE him. I keep looking for the good in Nathan and that's what I keep finding, even after all this time.
This weekend was relaxing. We had great food, great conversation, lots of sleep (nice to wake up at 9 instead of 5:30am) and time to work together on the house. It was the perfect gift and I'm grateful.
Nathan will never read this blog. He hates the Internet. He only uses it for eBay, YouTube and diesel forums. This blog is for me. It is a place that I can let myself and the world know just how much I love Nathan Roy Flint and how grateful I am to share my life with him. To God be the glory!
For the last 17 years God has allowed me the privilege of learning to be more like Him, by learning to love Nathan unconditionally and serving him. Today more than ever, I am convinced that marriage is the earthly representation of God's covenant love for us. My marriage to Nathan is more than a name change. It's more than a contract or a relationship. It's a covenant. It's a vow. It's truly "Until death do us part". My heart is acutely aware of the importance of the words I spoke to Nathan in front of God and the company of witnesses 17 years ago today.
We have overcome so much these last years. Truly without the loving mercy of my Heavenly Father, I would be another statistic. My marriage would have ended in divorce and my children would be forced to play the custody game. We have overcome some serious issues and have worked HARD to salvage our marriage. Counseling, Celebrate Recovery, prayer, personal work, accountability have all been part of our journey. I have an AMAZING marriage. Nathan and I can communicate about anything. We often hurt each other's feelings, but we keep short tabs. Hurts, tears and frustrations are talked about immediately and problems dealt with promptly. There are still unmet expectations, but most of the time we set our boundaries and learn to respectfully love each other. God is our primary love. I love God more than Nathan. Here on earth I don't want to be apart from Nathan longer than is necessary, but ultimately my heart longs to be with Jesus.
There are things about Nathan that still frustrate me after 17 years. I know that I have many character flaws that drive Nathan crazy. Yet, we still hang in there. I will NEVER be able to change him. I can however help him to grow and change in Christ. I can pray for him and over him, serve him, submit to him, respect him, honor him, LOVE him. I keep looking for the good in Nathan and that's what I keep finding, even after all this time.
This weekend was relaxing. We had great food, great conversation, lots of sleep (nice to wake up at 9 instead of 5:30am) and time to work together on the house. It was the perfect gift and I'm grateful.
Nathan will never read this blog. He hates the Internet. He only uses it for eBay, YouTube and diesel forums. This blog is for me. It is a place that I can let myself and the world know just how much I love Nathan Roy Flint and how grateful I am to share my life with him. To God be the glory!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Law Vs. Covenant
So yesterday I had the pleasure of voting. Two of my children came to the polls with me and actually helped me read the amendment that I specifically went to vote in favor of that day. My daughter helped me fill in the circle darkly and we talked again about how important it was to exercise our American right, freedom and privilege to vote. The amendment passed and in the state of NC marriage is defined as one man and one woman. This is important to me for MANY reasons.
However, this post is not at all about this law. It isn't about the hatred that I saw spewed on Facebook today. It isn't about how my heart breaks when people are unkind, downright mean and judgemental. This post isn't to discuss how it appears to me that some Christians don't have a respect for God's Word, law or authority, but value THEIR rights and freedoms above all. We could debate, talk, discuss and hash all of these points intelligently or harshly on any given day.
THIS post is about a covenant. God defines marriage as a covenant. It's an earthly representation of the love between God and us. The groom woos and pursues his bride. He sacrifices ultimately for her. He gives himself to save her. It's the greatest love story ever told. I was reminded of this covenant love today in a video that I simply must share. I am aware that all "one man, one woman" marriages as defined by law in the state of NC are NOT this kind of marriage. I would be foolish to think so. I just want to share this video as a representation of my heart so people can understand the value of covenant in my life and in the lives of many others. I thought it was worth protecting yesterday by casting my vote.
Please know that I have gay friends. I have gay friends with domestic partners. I love them. I talk to them. I don't shun them or try to keep my kids away from them. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. This is mine. I pray that you are touched, blessed and encouraged by this post and this video.
http://vimeo.com/38033654
However, this post is not at all about this law. It isn't about the hatred that I saw spewed on Facebook today. It isn't about how my heart breaks when people are unkind, downright mean and judgemental. This post isn't to discuss how it appears to me that some Christians don't have a respect for God's Word, law or authority, but value THEIR rights and freedoms above all. We could debate, talk, discuss and hash all of these points intelligently or harshly on any given day.
THIS post is about a covenant. God defines marriage as a covenant. It's an earthly representation of the love between God and us. The groom woos and pursues his bride. He sacrifices ultimately for her. He gives himself to save her. It's the greatest love story ever told. I was reminded of this covenant love today in a video that I simply must share. I am aware that all "one man, one woman" marriages as defined by law in the state of NC are NOT this kind of marriage. I would be foolish to think so. I just want to share this video as a representation of my heart so people can understand the value of covenant in my life and in the lives of many others. I thought it was worth protecting yesterday by casting my vote.
Please know that I have gay friends. I have gay friends with domestic partners. I love them. I talk to them. I don't shun them or try to keep my kids away from them. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. This is mine. I pray that you are touched, blessed and encouraged by this post and this video.
http://vimeo.com/38033654
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