The Difference

So today I was pondering again the difference between being "needed" and being "wanted". Unfortunately I have had FAR too many people in my life that appeared to both need AND want me, but alas after the "need" part was fulfilled their friendship waned. Today I am thinking of how many times I have been let down AND let others down also. Feeling a little blue I suppose.

However, I also have been graciously and lovingly reminded that Jesus died because he LOVES me, and WANTS me. That's so much better and complete than the love or desire of ANY human being.

So yes...I was there when you needed me. I was the friend that you could talk to when the world was caving in around you. I listened to you cry and cried with you. I held you. I shared more of my life with you than most people will see or experience. I gave of my time and money. I gave, I loved, I wanted. I made an effort when you did not. Yet...we no longer talk. You no longer check to see if I am ok. You don't return emails or texts. You don't even grace my facebook comments with a return response. Months and years have gone by and we no longer even speak, see each other or talk over the phone. It hurts, it is sad, it is difficult to understand.

BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT........

God's Word promises ME that HE will NEVER leave ME nor forsake ME. I am clinging to this promise. I have a friend in Jesus. I have the only true friend I will EVER need. Even in the midst of my current "funk" I am loved, I am treasured, I am valued and I am GRATEFUL.

Broken

I was given these Willow Tree figurines several years ago by one of the dearest friends I've ever known. The two figurines come together by sliding the hands of one woman into the hands of the other. Yes they can function independently, but they were meant to be together. This set is on my dresser. I view them several times throughout the day.

Oddly enough over the last few months though they have been falling. When I shut a drawer to quickly or maybe too roughly they topple over. Sometimes one falls. Sometimes both of them take a tumble. It's almost humorous how many times I have had to restore them to their upright position. You think I would have enough sense to move them.

Well today the unfortunate happened. As I was putting laundry in its respective drawers the figurines gave an unrecoverable tumble. The one woman who slips her hands OVER the other is the one that broke. Oddly enough it was JUST her hands. I have been thinking about this most of the day. This is symbolic for MANY reasons.

I am not sure I am ready to write ALL of my feelings regarding this, but I will share a few thoughts. Quite often no matter how hard I try to hold onto something OR someone the grasp eventually is broken. For different and various reasons relationships are broken. The hands of time, relationship, love and commitment are released and people fall away from each other.

You see these two people on my dresser can stand separately. One can even stand there without any hands, but this is not its intended design. Also, this isn't its original status. Even with the hands repaired, the figurines won't fit together the same way. They won't look the same. This is how it is with relationships after forgiveness is granted and amends are made. The relationship is never quite the same, but can fit together again in a NEW way.

There are relationships in my life that have been broken. Someone has chosen to let go. Their hands have slipped away and I am standing there with my hands outstretched waiting to grasp onto something. Perhaps it was an unintentional fall, perhaps it was a choice. I am not sure, but nevertheless, the hands are broken, and so is my heart.

Ultimately I am reminded today that the only hand that will NEVER let go is the nail-scarred hand. I can slip my hands into HIS and know that his friendship, his redemption, his love will NEVER fade, fail or falter. He chooses me. He reaches out to me and lovingly wraps his hands around mine. It is a beautiful, loving grasp, strong and secure yet gentle and patient. His love is not coercive or forceful.

I will try and repair my broken angel. She is important to me. The love behind the gift was real, and I like to believe it still is, even though distanced by time and life.

God forgive me for the times I withdraw my hands from you. The times I have chosen my OWN path over YOUR way. The times I thought that I needed to set my hands to something else. Hold onto me firmly Lord. Don't let me go, please. Also forgive me for holding onto other things and other people more tightly than I hold onto YOU. Mend my broken hands and my divided heart.

Pieces of My Heart

I was spurred on to blog after reading a post on a forum that I participate in for alumni of my high school. It dealt with an apology someone gave for an event that happened a year ago. It greatly affected (or is it effected I'm not good at grammar) both of them. The odd part to me was not the apology, nor even the way it was done. What struck me was the comment " you deserve the piece of my heart you still have". That got me to thinking...Who has pieces of my heart?

I guess what I'm trying to say is...if I've given pieces of my heart away to people then how much do I have left for God? For my husband? For my kids? For my friends? Is having a "divided heart" a good thing? Don't get me wrong. I think it's important to share openly, honestly, authentically with those you are in relationship with in this life. I'm not saying that you shouldn't invest yourself in a relationship. I guess what I'm saying is..be careful whom you give your heart to and how much you invest in a relationship. (I'm preaching to myself. Mainly just thinking out loud).

I just want to be real, authentic and open with myself. I want to live in the moment. I want to give all that I am and all that I have to my Lord and to my love! I am blessed to have Nathan and my children. I am blessed to have the friends in my life that I have. I don't want to think about the coulda, shoulda, wouldas anymore. I want to leave those pieces of my heart (those gifts) where they belong. With those people. If I've given it away then it's not mine any longer, huh?

I don't regret sharing my heart with anyone. I just regret feeling like once I've shared a part of me, if that part is lost, it's really lost. Love is never really lost. If I have given myself in a genuine, real, authentic way then that love will never die. So, for those of you to whom I've shared myself. Thank you for receiving my gift. Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you for loving me in return.

To those that I'm still giving my heart to...continue to be patient with me as I learn to love without abandon. I am learning to love without judgement and concern. I am learning how to love myself so I can love you better. Thanks for not dividing my heart but making it fuller, larger, better.