Haunted

So today I've literally felt haunted by memories.  Haunted by pictures, dreams and verbal reminders of past failures and disappointments.  I had a series of disturbing dreams last night featuring people from my past.  I was unloving toward my children today and found myself yelling more than I should.  Joseph randomly reminded me, in specific detail, of an episode where I had "blown it" as a parent.  I did not do something very important that Nathan asked me to, and I wasn't as careful with Jonathan as I should have been while getting him dressed for bed and he slipped and hurt his chin. 

I feel condemned.  I feel haunted and unable to shake this feeling of not being what I should be/could be or was meant to be.  My mind plays tricks on me.  Feelings dominate me.  The struggle to separate reality and emotion is real tonight.  Expectations have been set and grossly missed by me and I have been let down by far too many people.  The scales have tipped in the wrong direction and tonight it feels hopeless to ever set them back in balance.  Forgiveness is a powerful thing.  Oh how I need the Spirit's strength to allow Christ to forgive through me.  I wish I didn't have these memories.  My mind begs me to focus on the positive.  Why is it that the scum always rises to the top of the pond?  Can't I remember happy days? 

Tired of being afraid.  Tired of looking over my shoulder.  Desperately wanting to be FREE from this weight.  Such depth of pain.  An intense amount of sadness.  A feeling of loss for what was and what will never be.

I feel as if the ghost of my past and the unmet expectations of my life will ever be present.  I pray that I can reconcile them someday. 

The Sounds of a Memory

Last week was the first week of band camp for C.D. Owen (my alma mater). I can't believe they have camp for two weeks. That would have been intense.

Anyway, the school is located very close to my mother's house in Swannanoa, NC. I was there one day last week (I can't remember which one specifically) and heard the distant thunder of the percussion section (the O.K.P.) and the warming up of horns as the band was preparing for a rehearsal. INSTANTLY I was flooded with a monsoon of memories and feelings.

I loved high school. Yes I loved it. The ups, the downs, the confusion and chaos. The "love" troubles, the best friend squabbles, the classes, the bad cafeteria food, ALL of it! My most treasured memories though center around my times in band and even more specifically MARCHING BAND!!! I had a great band director, great friends and great experiences. No, we weren't the world's best band. We had some ROUGH years in 1988-1989. It did get better and we ended on quite a high note (no pun intended). Personally for me they were some of the BEST years of my life.

I was blessed to have been on the colorguad, woodwind section leader, colorguard captain and drum major my senior year. I could go on and on with all of the fun times and experiences but I truly won't bore you. You probably wouldn't find them NEARLY as entertaining as I did. Let it just suffice to say that I thank the Lord for my memories. I thank him for having had the opportunity to make music with some wonderful people and for the joy of being part of something special.