A Heart that is Crushed...

I'm up because I have an excruciating headache, not to mention that Pizza Hut rang our doorbell at 11 pm for a pizza that we didn't order. We had been in bed over an hour. Come on the house was completely dark! Anyway.....

So I've had moments of extreme sadness and anger over Joseph and autism. I've had moments of wondering "what if". I've had some intense moments...but tonight I think I really let myself grieve.

Grieve you ask? Come on..you haven't lost a child, a husband a parent. You live in America. You have a roof over your head. You have two cars in your driveway. The list goes on and on and on my friend. Yes I "hear" you.

There was something that happened tonight that I won't go into, but let me just tell you it was AWFUL. Joseph hasn't been in a "good place" this week. Well this month. I don't know what's happening with this lil' boy, but it's been tough on all of the Flints.

I hate what I think, what I feel, what I've seen and heard. I'm tired of being terrified. I'm tired of seeing that look of panic, fear and desperation in Joseph's eyes. I'm tired of watching him hurt, be fearful and uncomfortable in his own skin. I can't answer his questions. I can't stand to hear him say things like "well I'll never be able to do...., no one will like me, I can't, but this will hurt, what if I have to go to jail because I'm bad" He gets completely irrational. I mean REALLY I've NEVER said I would take him to jail. Where does he get that from? I've NEVER said I don't like him or that no one would be his friend. Is this something he really feels, or something he's heard from a movie.

I can't "speak" Joseph. I can't understand him. I just want to be a part of his life. What is his life? What is meaningful to him? Does he know love? What will his life be like in ten years, twenty years?

I am haunted sometimes by memories of tantrums (his AND mine). I am haunted by anger, sadness, horrific attempts to "connect", times of medication, therapies, etc. Sometimes I feel as if autism has taken over our lives.

I'm ANGRY. I'm hurt. I'm scared...no TERRIFIED. I'm exhausted. I'm deeply wounded. I'm so sad. I'm bitter. I wonder how much a little boy can take. I wonder how much I can take.

My heart hurts so much sometimes I can't even breathe. I'm NOT hormonal. I'm NOT typing this because I'm pregnant. I'm broken. Totally and deeply. I am so broken, and I don't know how to put the pieces back together. I want to be whole again. I want Joseph to be whole. What is whole?

It seems like the focus is always on what Joseph can't do, what he does "wrong" or what he struggles with. I am guilty of this mindset. I'm NOT blaming or pointing fingers. I'm just confessing, expressing, ok exploding. What CAN Joseph do?

As much as I want Joseph to be healed, I want to be healed. I want my heart to change. I want my mind to change. I want my family to be touched deeply. I want to look at that little boy and love him as deeply today as I did before I knew what was "wrong". I'm so tired of knowing what is "wrong". I NEED to see something good. I need to feel something good. I need something that I can not have it seems.

How can a mother even struggle with loving her son? What is that about? I'm so hurt, and just so confused. I've tried to years to hide it. I've been in therapy. I'm in Celebrate Recovery. I've read Scripture. I've prayed. I've been prayed for by friends. I've cried out to God. I've cried until I have no more tears left. I've had months and years of being "still and quiet". I'm so over it all. I've let bits and pieces of it out over the years. I want to let it all out. I'm tired of being this way.

And then there is a deep and new fear...what if James or Jonathan is autistic. I can't EVEN begin to entertain that thought or give it creedance. I won't. I just put it out there to be honest. Being honest. That's what this is all about. Joseph's life is different, and I'm not handling "different" very well at the moment. Honestly....AUTISM SUCKS.

I don't think it was a vaccine. I don't think it was a virus. I don't think it was because I was a bad mother, or that he watched too much t.v. I don't think it was caused by environmental factors. I believe honestly that when God stepped out into the blackness known as that dark void upon the face of the earth and said "Let there be light", He knew my boy would have autism. God is and WILL be glorified in Joseph's life and I pray in mine and in the lives of our family. There is something about this life that is good, wholesome and redemptive. I know it in my deepest fibers. My faith tells me this. I just need a glimpse Lord. Please just let me see You. Let Joseph see you. Meet me in my brokenness. I'm not asking for answers. I'm just asking for Your peace that passes understanding. I'm just asking...because I have been too afraid to do so in the past. I'm asking because I don't know what else to do right now Lord.

I can hardly type through the tears, and yes this pregnant woman has to go pee. If ANYONE reads this...thank you for thinking of us and if you share my faith...would you pray for us?

To My Son Joseph

Today was one of those days.

I don't know how to love you adequately. I don't have enough patience, insight and wisdom to love you properly. I am frustrated. My heart pains at your dilemma to try and communicate "properly" in this crazy, fast-paced mixed up world of ours. You don't really live in this world though. Quite often I watch you as you are somewhere else. I wonder what you think of, and whom you talk to in your deepest thoughts. What are your dreams? Will they come true?

My dreams for you. I am embarassed and ashamed to say that honestly most of my dreams for you are tainted. I struggle with pride and expectations. I want so much for you, but I want so much for me too. My unmet expectations often fall on the cusp of resentment. How harsh that must sound. I am not resentful to be your mother. I am resentful that I have too high expectations for you. I am sad that I have expectations AT ALL. I wish that I could just LOVE you. Unconditionally, completely, all the time!!!

Forgive me for not being able to understand you. I have pushed you to be something you are not and were never created to be my son. I have been harsh and cruel. I haven't always been gentle and loving. I pray that due to my ignorance, pain and sadness I haven't broken the very Spirit that lives within you.

You are God's best for me Joseph. You are not a plan B. You were designed by the Master. That includes autism, sensory issues, and severe speech delays. Forgive me for hanging onto the past, a dream of what "could have" or what "should have" been. You are mine, and I vow from this day on to love you more deeply, more patiently, more intently.

I pray that I can somehow communicate to you my love, but more importantly God's love. The most important thing in this world is to know Jesus. If I can show you Jesus, than I haven't failed you.

You are in your bedroom right now crying yourself to sleep. It's been that kind of day. You are striving within your own head and heart to justify, rationalize and understand what is happening. I have blown it today. You have blown it today. But praise God that tomorrow morning His mercies are NEW!!! Let's enjoy our new day, and the one to follow, and the next, and the next.....

You are my #1 and forever will be my chocolate-eyed boy.

Your mother
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A Poem Written for You in 2006

Oh my precious little man
How can I help you understand
That Jesus feels your pain and fear
And that His love is always near

It sems that you have much to say
Oh that I could find a way
To help you let your joy shine through
So all the word could learn from you

Dark chocolate eyes that shine with wonder
Yet deep inside a distant thunder
Rumblings of a deeper kind
Oh how I long to ease your mind

Sometimes in life things will be tough
And being you will seem so rough
And yet the forming of your life takes place
In the valley of God's grace

My little man I wish I knew
What our great God has in store for you
But I know for sure His plan are good
And things are happening as they should

A time of molding, breaking, bending
Forming, healing, sculpting, mending
To shape you into the kind of boy
That shares with others a heavenly joy

They want to put on you a label
And yet I know that they're not able
To explain what's deep inside of you
The gentle spirit sweet and true

A love that's deeper than most will know
A kindness few will ever show
Dreams so grand and full of fun
You are my precious firstborn son

And though my spirit is tired and broken
No words of regret will ever be spoken
For you are precious, a gift from above
Sent to me as a display of God's love!