Out of Hiding

I'm tired of hiding behind all of this excess "baggage". How can a fat person hide? Physically it isn't possible but emotionally it's easy really. If you like me even though I'm fat then I guess I can really let you inside my life. Isn't that a warped way of thinking? I also hide behind my smile, sarcasm and dry sense of humor. My charisma and personality take me pretty far and cover up a lot of pain and suffering.

However, I'm tired of "hiding" behind all of this. Being fat isn't easy. Being fat isn't fun. It certainly isn't healthy. I have to do something. I have to do it now. It's overwhelming really. I'm not quite sure where to start but I must.

I will try and blog about my progress. I have lost weight in the past. I have been successful and I am expectant that this attempt will be no different. Except, maybe I'll complete my goal this time!!! YAY!!!

Well, here's to a new chapter of my life. Here's to coming out of denial. I am a compulsive eater. I struggle with issues of pride, low self-esteem, and co-dependency. I also want to control my life and everyone else's while I am at it. And while all this confession is taking place I will admit the biggest one of all people pleasing and approval addiction. Isn't that ironic that a people pleaser would be fat? Wouldn't you think I would be so worried about what people thought of me that I would be thin and fashionable? I guess it's weird how the psyche works.

So pray for me as I embark on a journey to health, wellness, weight loss and discovery of my poverty of spirit (Matthew 5:3).

Today's Revelation

To some of you this might seem simplistic and almost foolish. To me it is profound, life chaging and revolutionary!!

NO ONE in my life needs me as much as I need them. Maybe my kids, but if I do a good job raising them one day they won't need me. What I'm saying is I am just now realizing how much of my emotional being is tied up in relationships. It's unhealthy. The one person I should have a relationship with, ME, is a stranger. I'm an alien in my own body and mind. I should be in relationship with GOD, MYSELF and then others. I have had this all out of order. Yet, there is hope.

I have spent the majority of my 33 years trying to please people and functioning in the realm of performing. I was pleased to know that they needed me for something. Whether it be to physically or emotionally provide for them (or both), I have lived to serve others. If I thought someone needed me, or I had done something to help someone become a better person I was complete. I struggle constantly with lonliness and rejection. This has taken its toll on me.

I want to love and be loved WITH NO STRINGS attached. I am completely ready to say that most of these feelings have been self-imposed. I am NOT blaming anyone. I am just coming out of denial.

"LIVFRE"

(this was originally posted by my friend Beth in June of '08)


"LIVFRE"

There's a license plate in the school carpool lane that says this. LIVFRE. Everytime I see it, I wonder...what does it mean to truly LIVFRE? How does it feel to live a truly free, authentic life?

And then I ran across this quote today:

"When the words in your mouth and the actions of your hands and the feelings of your heart are one and the same, you're a whole person, you're integrated, and there's integrity in your life."

Maybe that's what it means to LIVFRE - to be whole and integrated. When was the last time your mouth, your hands, and your heart were on the same wavelength?

I'm not sure I can answer that...

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Ok here is where I take over...

I am working towards FREEDOM in Christ and to be able to live my life every day with honor and integrity. I was blessed by Beth's transparency. I am trying to be this open with myself, God and others I trust. There is so much I still need to say, but I am working on it....

My Christmas Miracle-Part 2

So now here we are on December 20th. I have had my epiphany and I'm headed to work at the station. I still am trying to process all that had just happened, but I was excited to go to work. I love Christmas music and so in between my breaks I would listen to new songs I hadn't heard before. This particular day one stood out to me from MercyMe entitled "Joseph's Lullaby".



In a studio at 106.9 the Light, Christmas came to me. In a moment I was reminded in the most meaningful way that Emmanuel came as a baby. A smelly, dirty, helpless baby and he had a Daddy who simply wanted the best for him. Joseph wanted his son to rest and be comfortable. God limited himself in the form of an infant. He loved ME enough to be FULLY GOD AND FULLY MAN. I don't claim to understand it, but I felt it..all the mystery, majesty and glory of Emmanuel in that moment, in that studio. It was a miracle. Two in one day...WOW! I'm a blessed woman.

Oh then there's the other REALLY cool stuff like a pair of shoes that I prayed for being given to me by a woman who didn't even know I needed shoes. She just felt impressed to buy me a pair. I specifically prayed for a black pair of dress shoes. How cool is that? Then there was a surprise check for $200 from an anonymous giver at our church. Also God provided the way for us to get gifts for all the children, and we shared Christmas dinner with some very dear friends of ours. How could I forget the children's Christmas musical that ALL three of my children participated in and did an AMAZING job. This was truly a Christmas of miracles. JoyAnn needed a coat. I told a friend of mine who owns an ebay based business. She sent a coat to JoyAnn via her husband at a church meeting. My mother had found a coat on sale at Wal-Mart for $10 and then there is the "angel" coat, This one was delivered to our front porch by a woman I've NEVER seen before. She said are you JoyAnn I said "no, but she is". My baby girl opened up a BRAND NEW winter coat from her "angel". She said it came to her from her Nannie who is in heaven. 3 days, 3 coats. One is big enough for her to wear this year AND next. I was reminded over, and over, and over of Emmanuel's presence. I pray I carry this miracle with me in my heart EVERY day this year.

My Christmas Miracle (A Little Late)- Part 1

First of all I apologize that this post is "late". However, I simply haven't taken the time to process it all properly. I do so pray though that whomever is reading is encouraged and blessed as I was. It will be lengthy but I pray worth the read :-).

As Thanksgiving came and went I was made aware that the Advent season was once again upon us. This year our family celebrated in our home the "advent" of Christ. It was a glorious time. I also was in prayer about how to best bring Advent to my group at CR. God kept impressing upon me the simplicity and majesty of "Emmanuel". So for several weeks our songs of worship were centered around the name, glory and mystery of EMMANUEL.

Please don't get me wrong, I was lead by God to choose the songs I did. I meant them when I sang them. They ministered to me, but somewhere in the middle of all of the Christmas season I just didn't "feel" Christmas. I knew that Emmanuel had come for me but I wasn't feeling him with me. I do so understand that I "walk by faith and not by sight". I understand that my faith is more than feelings, but I do so love the embrace of my Savior. I was desperate, sad and sinking into a depression.

I attended a party on December 13th. Something happened deep within me that night. It was the breaking loose of something that has had a hold on me for several years. The next day my children were involved in the choir musical at church. They did a fabulous job (even if I say so myself) and so did the choir. It was a glorious Sunday. However, still no "warm fuzzy" for which I had been waiting.

The following Tuesday found me frantic and frenzied. I was desperately wanting to connect with someone. (Here is where I get REALLY vulnerable and honest)... I struggle with approval addiction. I have to know that I am loved, and that people like me. I want to know at the deepest level that I bring joy to people. I need to be needed. So I do what I always do in this situation. I ran to the Lord and poured my heart out. Oh, how I wish that were true. However my desire for honesty prevents me from misleading you. What a I did in typical Janelle codependent fashion is to call someone. A person that I felt compelled to talk to at that moment. The phone call didn't go as I would have liked. I realized that I was on the verge of something miraculous, but I also felt one breath away from insanity. I honestly didn't know which end of the spectrum on which I would land.

By Friday I had decided that I would probably need to contact my care provider and once again return to the world of antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication. I also had decided that this would be one of the worst Christmas' of my life. I went to bed with a heavy heart feeling quite sorry for myself, confused, unloved and scared. This is where the miracle comes in (thanks for sticking around)....

In the wee hours of Saturday morning a miracle happened. To some it might be mistaken for acid reflux but I know it was an epiphany. The Lord began to heal me of three+ years of depression, anxiety, bitterness, disappointment, fear and more. I was able to emotionally and metaphorically release some people/relationships in my life that had been weighing me down. I practiced or rehearsed in my mind speaking with them. Sharing with them the truth in love, and letting them know what they had meant to me. I was able to forgive them AND be forgiven by them. I was able to take one more step to wholeness. Call it sub-conscious coming to the conscious. Call it inner healing. Call it wishful thinking. You can call it whatever you want. I think it was all of that AND more. I woke up with such a feeling of deep and complete peace. Emmanuel had visited me and reminded me in my dreams that He came for me and for all mankind. Especially when we hurt ourselves or others. It was beautiful. It was an experience I will NEVER forget.

There is more, but that is for another post.

January CR Newsletter

res⋅o⋅lu⋅tion - 1.a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.
2.the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.
3.the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.


This time of year people make "resolutions". I used to participate in this New Year's "tradition". However, I stopped many years ago because honestly I wasn't keeping them and then I struggled with this list of things that I hadn't accomplished. I was condemned by my own desire to do things but my inability to carry them out. You know I can relate to Paul in Romans chapter 7. The Message puts it this way (vs. 17-20) "But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time." Have you ever been there? Wanting to so something good, but not knowing how to do that very thing.

As the new year starts I would encourage you to throw away the lists of things that you probably won't accomplish. I would ask you to try looking into God's word for His lists of things for us to "do", "be" and "accomplish". These lists have eternal value and are even better then losing "x" amount of pounds (if you can believe that..hahaha!). Micah 6:8 says "No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (NLT). That list is a LOT shorter then the ones I make for myself. How about this list in Luke 10:27 (HCSB) "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself."

Be blessed as you enter 2009. Please know that if you struggle with wanting to do good, be good, change the way you are YET are not able to do so, that you are NOT ALONE. There is a place for you in CR. Join us on Tuesday nights as together with me and lots of other people we admit that (Janelle's version of Step 1) we are powerless over our hurts, habits and hang-ups, and that our lives have become unmanageable.

Here's to LASTING CHANGE,

Janelle Flint

Dec. CR Newsletter Entry

What an odd thing. An upside down tree. From what I've heard and read these "novelty items" have been around for a few years. They HAVEN'T grown on me. Although I find them odd and somewhat disturbing I do find them an accurate depiction of the way we view the Christmas season. One of the premises of these upside down trees is "... just think how many more packages you'll be able to pile under the tree!". (from About.com:interior decorating). What a skewed view of the proper way to celebrate the most precious gift we have ever received...the Christ child.

I also find this "upside down" way of thinking relative to my recovery walk. I came to Celebrate Recovery thinking that I could be of service to those "hurting people". How lost and deceived I was. I was in complete denial of my own issues of pride, co-dependency and unforgiveness. The premise of my life was to try and fit as many "good" things as I could into my days. I thrived while pleasing man and knowing that I had done whatever possible to fit in to my surroundings. I was trying so hard to please God AND man and doing a miserable job at BOTH. Praise God that He opened my eyes to the reality of my life. I was living upside down. Although this lifestyle might have been "in vogue" with the world, it was SIN. Now I revel in the simplicity of my life. I praise God for Celebrate Recovery and the knowledge of the freedom that comes in living "one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time". I'm certainly not perfect. I have a long way to go. There are still upside down days where I struggle with self-sufficiency, pride, unmet expectations, poor attitudes, and unforgiveness. However I can now see those character defects for what they are...SIN. I submit them to the Lord, humbly ask Him to remove them and go back to living my life, HIS life in me. This Christmas realize that Christ came that you might "..have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10). Come and join us ANY Tues. night as we allow God to work in us and bring us back down to reality and out of the denial of our upside down lives. God bless you and Merry Christmas.

Grounded in Him,

Janelle Flint