More Band Memories

So today was the 33rd annual "Land of the Sky Marching Band Festival" at Enka High School. It was a blast to take the kids and watch some of the area bands. It was however very HOT, very CROWDED and very well...disappointing. It just seems that band isn't what it used to be when I was in high school. Granted we didn't get to see that many bands, but the ones we saw lacked a little in depth and musical talent. Isn't that critical of me?

We did have a good time. We got to meet our new baby cousin Leah. Philip was judging music effect and so we saw him, Tammy and Leah. I did get to see Dana and it was an ok day for OHS. The highlight of the day for me though was watching WCU. I was SOOOO proud to be an alumni. The Pride of the Mountains ROCKED!!! I would love to go to WCU just to watch them march again.

I bet the evening would have been good if we had stuck around but after seeing part of AA and all of AAA competition we were ready to leave. However, in the midst of the heat I was a little nostalgic (maybe it was just dehydration..haha). I was glad to have experienced high school marching band. It also made me wonder what kind of band director Nathan or I could have been.

So here's to memories of high school and college marching band.

The Miracle of the Moment

I am so tired of being afraid. I am so tired of living in the past or fearing the future. I want to experience the "nowness" of my life. I want to truly be in the gift of the present. Evidently I'm not the only one feeling this. God brings songs to me to speak of His never ending love. Miracle of the Moment by Steven Curtis Chapman is one of those that is speaking VOLUMES to me right now. Here it is. I will try and figure out how to link to it soon. But for now you can go to his website or to Rhapsody and listen.

Miracle of the Moment

It's time for letting go
All of our "if only's"
Cause we don't have a time machine
And even if we did
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?

Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

There's only One who knows
What's really out there waiting
And all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He's out there waiting
To Him the future's history

And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
Let them soften your heart

And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go
Let it go, yeah
You gotta let it go

And listen to your heartbeat

And breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

And breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now (here and now)
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle
Of the moment

~Lord,
Here's to living in the moment. Grant me your grace to experience your majesty, love, glory, peace and forgiveness THIS moment. Let me allow you to lavish your love upon me, just as I am. Thank you for grace. Bathe me in your presence right now God. I love you and praise you. In Jesus name....AMEN!

The Desert of Depression

So, I usually write about "happy" things. I write about life and my ups and downs but I try not to get too bogged down in the "downs". However, today I must write about what I am going through. More accurately, what our FAMILY is going through.

Nathan has been suffering from severe, debilitating depression since late February/ early March of 2006. I won't go into the cause of the depression. That isn't necessarily for public eyes. However, I can tell you that it wasn't just one episode that spurred it on for him. It was a lifetime of hurts, disappointments that happened to be drawn to the surface by a particular hurt from a particular individual.

Needless to say, Nathan has not recovered. This tailspin, this downward spiral has been dramatic, traumatic, and completely devestating. Our entire family is affected. The children know that daddy doesn't feel well. He usually is in bed. He can't come places with us. He seems sad. I know that my husband is emotionally unavailable, and probably going to go yet another day without engaging in life, much less engaging me in conversation.

It's awful, it's sad, it's horrible....for NATHAN, for us, for all who love us. I am angry. I am sad. I am hurt. I am lost, and so is NATHAN, our kids and our friends. I am resentful. I want my husband back. I want my best friend back. I want my lover back. I want him to be whole, healed and at peace with God, others and most importanly HIMSELF.

If you are reading this and you believe in God and prayer. Pray for Nathan. Pray for me. Pray for our family and for anyone struggling with depression.

Overwhelmed,

Janelle

Life

So it's been a few weeks since I've posted anything here. Let me catch you up on our life.

Nathan tried the trucking thing, and as clearly as God lead him to Charlotte, he lead him HOME. After one week of successful training Nathan knew the life of a trucker was not for him. I praise God for directing his path (Prov. 3:5-6) and for sending him home to us.

The story doesn't end there though. It simply starts there. God's favor was showered upon us in other ways. God held the waters back and prohibited the Cove from hiring anyone for Nathan's position. He was able to get his job back at the Cove and it truly was as if he never left.

However, in our lives is was VERY obvious he left. I went through such emotional and spiritual awakenings to prepare my heart and mind for him to be gone that I was quite shocked at how I felt when he came home. I truly am in a different mindset, a different place then when he left. I am excited though because his return home is a second chance, a new start for all of us. For Nathan he gets to continue his faith journey and ministry at the Cove. He also is continuing to grow in music ministry. For me it is another chance to love him unconditionally and fully while growing as an individual. I am GLAD he's home but I am working on not being the smothering, overly needy and sensitive wife I was before he left. It's hard to admit, but there is power in confession.

So the kids are good. I am good. The storage shed is complete and the porch should be clear before long. We are moving along. It is a farily calm time for us right now. Keep praying.

In Him,
Janelle

Learning to Love....LESS or maybe just DIFFERENTLY?

So, just an hour and a half ago I walked my husband to his car and said goodbye.

Why is this significant today? Well it was a different goodbye. I was saying goodbye knowing that life as the Flint family has known it is about to change. Change DRASTICALLY!

Nathan left today for his training for Schneider. I've blogged about this already so I don't need to go into how sad I am, or how much I will miss Nathan. What this blog is about is how I am learning to love him. LESS.

Intrigued? Well, to be honest so am I. I have worked the last twelve years to be a BETTER wife, to love him MORE, to show him in more effective ways JUST how much I love him. I have told him "I love you" countless times. I certainly meant it, however, I am learning that I also meant "do you love me"? As I have been preparing for Nathan to start his new job I have really been doing some soul searching. I have discovered once again my co-dependent, NEEDY side. The side that has held onto Nathan too tightly to even allow him room to breathe, to grow, to live. I have had unrealistic expectations of him. I have been to demanding on him physically, emotionally, spiritually. So walking him to the car today was a "go with God". It was a time of releasing him. Letting him go and starting on this journey to love him LESS. Maybe I should say DIFFERENTLY?

I want Nathan to be loved by God first and foremost and to be able to show and shower his love back to the One who created him. Then loving me will just be "icing on the cake". That's the kind of love I want to give AND receive. I want to love like I Corinthians 13 says (the Message) "Love never gives up. Love never cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first", doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but kees going to the end." That's the kind of love I'm looking for and learning to walk in while displaying this kind of love to Nathan AND others. What a journey.

Love,

Janelle

The Act of Forgiving

The ones we love the most tend to hurt us the deepest. This has been said and man is it true! Choosing to forgive. Wanting to forgive. Actually forgiving...Steps to wholeness for both the forgiver AND the forgivee!

Watching those you love suffer because of a hurt that has been sent their direction. Feeling helpless all the while as they cry. Being there as they slowly slip into a state of depression! Wondering if they will ever "be with you" again.

There are days like today I am ANGRY. I don't want to forgive. I am mad. It is hard today to even want to forgive, to walk in love and to pray for my "enemy". However, I choose to forgive. I choose to love. I choose to try and reconcile. I choose to be set free from the bondage of anger, hurt and disappointment. I release my resentment. If God is willing to forgive me then I can forgive those who have hurt me and my family. I forgive.....

There is a song by Brandon Heath "I'm Not Who I Was" that speaks to the heart of forgiveness both giving and receiving. I want to be whole. I want to be able to forgive the people who have hurt me, AND to forgive MYSELF.
http://brandonheath.net/

The Sounds of a Memory

Last week was the first week of band camp for C.D. Owen (my alma mater). I can't believe they have camp for two weeks. That would have been intense.

Anyway, the school is located very close to my mother's house in Swannanoa, NC. I was there one day last week (I can't remember which one specifically) and heard the distant thunder of the percussion section (the O.K.P.) and the warming up of horns as the band was preparing for a rehearsal. INSTANTLY I was flooded with a monsoon of memories and feelings.

I loved high school. Yes I loved it. The ups, the downs, the confusion and chaos. The "love" troubles, the best friend squabbles, the classes, the bad cafeteria food, ALL of it! My most treasured memories though center around my times in band and even more specifically MARCHING BAND!!! I had a great band director, great friends and great experiences. No, we weren't the world's best band. We had some ROUGH years in 1988-1989. It did get better and we ended on quite a high note (no pun intended). Personally for me they were some of the BEST years of my life.

I was blessed to have been on the colorguad, woodwind section leader, colorguard captain and drum major my senior year. I could go on and on with all of the fun times and experiences but I truly won't bore you. You probably wouldn't find them NEARLY as entertaining as I did. Let it just suffice to say that I thank the Lord for my memories. I thank him for having had the opportunity to make music with some wonderful people and for the joy of being part of something special.