Last Night was Date Night

For Christmas Nathan and I gave the children "A Year of Dates".  This is a manila envelope with instructions on the outside.  Each manila envelope contains 12 legal sized, numbered envelopes with 12 different dates (one per month).  On the first of the month each child gets to choose an envelope.  They can take them in chronological order or can randomly choose.  Then after all have chosen we schedule the dates for sometime that month that cohesively works with the family master schedule.  Each child can be accompanied on their "date" by mom or dad and if possible...both.

Last night was James "date".  He chose the envelope that said "I'm sure there is something that you need.  Let's go shopping and buy it indeed!  Clothes, shoes, school supplies...We will do our best to provide.  Mom and Dad care so much about you."  So the two of us left in the cold wind headed to Target.  James needed a long sleeved shirt and some new crew socks for basketball.  He also had $15 birthday money that he wanted to spend.  We planned on eating at the Target cafe so James could get a slushie.  It was a great plan.

The van ride was filled with precious, uninterrupted conversation.  James asked so many questions. We talked about the sunset and God's wonderful creation.  He said "something changed in me when it got dark momma, and when I'm alone I ask such good questions.  Are these good words?".  I can't tell you how sweet that little voice was.   James anxiously watched the clock.  We had estimated we would be there at 6:16 but didn't arrive until 6:21.  As we were walking into the store he said "I think our next date should be at the beach!"  When we got into the store he had to use the restroom right away and then we noticed that the cafe was closed.  He wasn't too bummed when I told him we could choose another place for dinner.  We had a lovely time shopping for his items.  He was so cooperative and said "I love shopping at Target because it's just so quiet.  Not like our house".  I could tell that his life is inundated with noise.  It's true.  Our house often rivals a three-ringed circus.  So...crew socks, a shirt and a box of hot chocolate were his choices and then we went to the toy section to use his birthday money.  He chose wisely and when we were checking out he so sweetly told the cashier our entire story as he was paying with his own money.  He relayed the fact the we were on an adventure and that it was just the two of us.  The woman behind us in line said "This is the best idea ever." James was literally beaming.  On the way out of the store he jumped over each and every one of those big read balls outside "like a ninja".  

When we got in the car he saw the time on the clock and said "Mom we won't have time for dinner will we?".  I said "Oh yes baby we will".  He requested a cheeseburger, fries, ranch and Dr. Pepper.  He said "Mom wouldn't it be fun if we chose a restaurant that everyone else thought was stinky, but we didn't and when we got there we were the only two eating?"  I just about cried.  This boy was literally SCREAMING how much he needed some one on one time and that he just wanted QUIET.  I'm so grateful that the Lord prompted me to make this gift and that he is using Nathan to provide the funds for these adventures.  Keep praying sweet friend that all the details fall into place for these 59 remaining "dates".  I decided that Chili's might be a good option because we were so close.  We haven't eaten there in a long time.  The menu had changed drastically and they had these really fun game devices on the table.  For $1.99 there was unlimited play and so James and I talked and laughed as we played LIFE while eating.  Normally I'm opposed to phones/devices/video games during a meal, but this was special we played math games, practiced our Spanish and played LIFE.  James got the meal of his choice and I had a very yummy mango chili chicken for under 600 calories with black beans and steamed broccoli.  I ordered a piece of molten lava chocolate cake to bring home for James to have today because we did stay out past his bedtime.  James provides a soundtrack to his life.  Literally this boy sings all the time.  He's happy and makes the best faces.  It was a joy to be with my youngest.  He is generous and has a grateful heart.  He said "please and thank you" without being prompted and made good eye contact with people.  He's a great mix of shy and social and give great hugs.  He was so polite to the waitress Melissa and told her all about our evening.  He talked in detail of his family.  It made me so proud of him, but there was a twinge of sadness as he described his older siblings.  He told the waitress that Joseph is always mean and says "shut up" a lot.  I asked James what Joseph has.  He told the waitress about autism and the waitress kindly shared some things with James.  He related the ages of his siblings, the fact that there are two sets of twins in our family and that he didn't have to share his cake with anyone because it was from our date.  I have pics and videos that I'm going to try and attach to this post.  

He fell asleep on the way home and then proceeded upon arrival home to carry his things inside the house and place them under his pillow for the night.  He wore his new shirt and socks to school and has already played with his toy.  His new Minecraft figure is hooked to his backpack.  I would say that this date was a SUCCESS!  So...one down and 11 to go!

The Day I Decided to Go Gray

Actually this wasn't all decided in a day.  It's been a process, an experience, an realization, but ultimately there is a day...one day when someone, anyone says....."Okay.  No more coloring.  No more hiding my roots.  No more covering or denying that I'm aging.  It's time.".  My day was earlier this month as I visited my tried and true hairdresser and friend Danielle.  I've been discussing the decision with Nathan off and on for years since I've been going gray since the age of 32.  I think the final push in this process was seeing a picture that was just taken of my friend Alysia and me.  I've known Alysia since college and she still sings, looks and loves like an angel.  The evening was glorious but I had a very distinct line in my hair.  Although it was a flattering hairstyle....honestly the color looked like a skunk.  It's probably not as noticeable to you, but it was to me, and frankly....it's my hair ;-).  

I've written earlier that I am excited to be 40.  I am.  I'm excited to be more comfortable in my own skin, to embrace life fully and to become more mindful in all of my interactions, relationships and communications.  Really...it's just hair.  Long, short, brown, gray or highlighted....it doesn't matter.  It doesn't make me...ME.  So...seriously in the words of the over-played song from Frozen..."Let it Go"...gray that is.  So...I'm still hoping to achieve more, do more, become more and it's going to be done with graying hair.  There isn't just a few strands...it's gray.  In fact by the time my next drivers license pic is made the color will be changed both in actually and in writing.  That day will be fun.

April 9th I went to my scheduled appointment not exactly sure what was going to happen, but a strong feeling that I was ready to go short again with my hair style and to just allow it to gray naturally.  After discussing this with Danielle she was super supportive as usual and did exactly what I asked her to do.  I'm not exactly sure how long the process will take.  A year, two, ten...but I'm ready to go gray.  

So from today until....that day when I'm all gray I'm going to enjoy every moment.  Well at least I'll try.  So..no more covering up, coloring or dying.  You know what.  I think I'll try that in other areas of my life.  If I'm not going to stop the process of aging in terms of my hair pigmentation and I want to "mature" in my life.  Let's go for it.  Even God's Word has something encouraging to say about gray hair.  Proverbs 16:31 says "Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life."  I'm going to pursue a godly, righteous life.  That means being vulnerable, uncovered and transparent with God, myself and others.  I'm going to stop covering up or hiding behind fear, anxiety, past accomplishments, labels, goals, dreams or my family. Life is short, like my new hair, and it's meant to be lived abundantly.  So....the day I decided to go gray was really the day I decided to live by pursuing freedom and to allow you to experience it with me.  40 really is fabulous....and going gray....not as painful as I had been told.  Oh and to confirm my decision I'm posting another pic with another fabulous friend from college...the beautiful and talented Jeanne Jolly.

Purposeful Prayer

Today I started a new practice.  I'm calling it "Purposeful Prayer".  I'm going to use a resource that I purchased years ago entitled "While They Were Sleeping".  It is a book that contains 12 character traits for moms to pray over their children.  It's broken down into 5 day segments per topic.  I decided that I will pray a characteristic per month over each child.  I'll pray over them in chronological order and I'll pray the entire 5 days over each child, condensed into one day.  So Monday I'll pray Days 1-5 over Joseph.  Tuesday Days 1-5 over Jesse and so on and so forth.  I will repeat the pattern each week of the month.

This month is Teachability.  I tell you it couldn't come at a more opportune time.  I am dealing with stubbornness and rebellion in two of my five consistently and the other three have been known to exhibit negative behaviors in this area from time to time.  Here is a great quote "Teachability helps our children prepare their hearts to be faithful to God."  The Scriptures included in the teachability chapter are Psalm 143:10, Psalm 25:5b, Psalm 78:7-8, Daniel 1:8, and many other Psalms and Proverbs.  An example of a prayer "Father, it is Your own Spirit that teaches us through Your Word.  I pray __________ will yield to Your instruction.  Please protect ___________ from developing a stubborn or rebellious spirit.  May he/she be a spiritual sponge, soaking up Your truth."  I'm excited about this opportunity.  It will focus me, intentionally on the goodness of God and His magnitude and not the grandeur of my problems or the issues my children face.  It will allow me to see my children through the lens of Christ's love.

On Saturdays I'll focus on praying specifically for my marriage and that God will bless, protect and strengthen Nathan and me as individuals and as a couple.  I will pray these characteristics over us as well.  Now realize I pray for my marriage and my kids more than one day a week.  This is just a tool. On Sundays I'll pray for my leaders, spiritual, local, state and national.  I'm hoping Nathan will join me, but regardless I'm going to pray.

Some of the other topics covered in the book are Kindness, Humility, Forgiveness, Obedience, Discernment, Purity, Responsibility, Courage, Servant hood, Contentment, and Endurance.  I'm prayerfully expecting great things for our family this next 12 months.  Purposeful praying, intentional listening, cultivating community, searching out opportunities to connect and looking for joy/gifts to be grateful for daily are things that I'm adopting into my daily practices/routine.  I'm also going to journal these next few months about how prayers are being answered and how God is changing us all through this tool.  I'll keep you posted.  Thanks as always for reading.

*"While They Were Sleeping" by Anne Arkins and Gary Harrell*

A Life of Thanksgiving

In 2013 I was given the opportunity to borrow a book from my friend Donna.  One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp was a great read.  In fact after reading it twice I've decided it's finally time to download it for my Kindle.  I read the book twice but didn't fully participate in the Joy Dare. So....this is the year I'm going to practice looking for joy in everyday.  When we lived in WA for a short period of time I wrote my 3 daily "gifts" on our bathroom mirror so I could meditate on them.  I think I'm going to adopt this practice again as well as journaling my daily entries and participating in the FB community.

If you haven't read the book in my opinion you should.  It has been very transformative and has encouraged me to really come out of the fog of my apathy by pressing in to gratitude.  The last few months have been very rocky and full of hurt, unmet expectations, change and grief.  Truly I've felt hemmed in by a fog and that this haze has kept me from engaging in life fully.  I'm coming out of this season because of God's hand of mercy.  However, I know that part of my journey forward is momentum caused by gratitude.

Another tool that I am utilizing is the 100HappyDays challenge on FB/Instagram.  Each day I share a picture and a brief synopsis of the happiness associated with that image.  I'm currently on day 52 and it has been so much fun.  Also I've had two people in my life specifically mention that my sharing has impacted them.  That's pretty cool.  I've shared moments with my children, successes in my weight loss journey, a snippet about Nathan, pictures from our Christmas celebration and even a picture of my Joy Dare list for January.  Taking time each day to by mindful, pause and realize my blessings and spend time thanking God for them has been freeing.  It also has encouraged me to engage with those in my world and tell them how much they are loved.  I share with them what they have done, what they are that brings joy to my world.  The dynamic of our house is changing and I'm feeling a renewed sense of hope.  It's a blessing.

Part of my true embracing of gratitude has been the realization that there are things in my life that are hard, painful and challenging that bring growth, strength and mercy.  Things that others might not look at as lovely, helpful or beautiful have caused me to experience a strange warming in my soul. I'm becoming increasingly more thankful for the things in my life that don't happen, the "no's" of my life and the disappointments.  The words of the serenity prayer are ringing true..."hardship as a pathway to peace...".  It sounds crazy, but I am grateful, truly humbled by the things that have been taken from me because they are bringing  a greater sense of dependence upon Christ and a deeper relationship with each of my family members and also myself.

I dare say today that I'm grateful for autism.  I venture out of my comfort zone to say that I'm thankful for a marriage that has grown from depression, hurt, withdrawal and pain.  Being challenged with five kids, two sets of twins and financial hardship sure is building character.  The gift of devastation as by friend Bette calls it, is truly that....a gift.  Stepping out in faith, moving across the country and facing circumstances that precipitated a move back to NC...not an accident.  These temporary storms have cause my roots to grow deep and I'm praying for a heart that displays the glory and splendor of God.  I'm not grateful for the things in my life so I can brag about them.  I want to be a mirror that reflects Christ.  I want to be a clear window that transparently allows people to see the pain in my life and the healing that occurs through the work of Jesus.  Paul says in 2 Cor. 11:30 "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."

So today I revel in the brokenness, the piece of my life have been shattered so that God could put them back together to make a stained glass window.  I'm so glad he knows the story of my life and is continuing to write it in my heart and mind.  I'm grateful, so grateful and may my life be a living sacrifice of praise as I flesh out real gratitude....a life filled with thanksgiving.

Gloriously Ruined

That was my prayer for 2014.  Those were the words that I had spoken and meditated upon.  What WAS I thinking? You wouldn't know about my 2014 because I didn't blog once.  Not ONCE on this blog.  There were posts on my other project, but here I was silent.  So...tonight I break the silence and am choosing to share with you a bit of last year and it's depth, breadth and scope.  

We moved to WA in March 2013 with dreams, goals and hopes.  In our 17 months there we learned a lot, met a lot of wonderful people and made some great memories.  We also were challenged beyond what I could have dreamed, faced thoughts, feelings and emotions that I wasn't prepared for and accrued more debt than we would have chosen.  Our family was stretched physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.  Although at the time I couldn't see it, but it is becoming clear to me that my prayer was being answered.  God was gloriously ruining me.  

I could go on and on and really expand but although it's MY story to share I don't want to hurt anyone or give more info than my hubby wants me to do...so here are the bullet points.  You'll still be able to see why I say I'm being "ruined".

• We accrued a pretty significant amount of debt in 17 months.
• The church we went to be a part of and help start a Celebrate Recovery program...closed it's doors and merged with another faith family.  Although this ISN'T a bad thing it still brings a bit of sadness, disappointment and unmet expectation.
• Such intense change affected our family in positive and negative ways.  Joseph's distress signals were flashing.  He began to run away regularly and became violent (verbally and physically aggressive).
• Relationships at every level are in the process of being repaired and trust is being rebuilt. Basic emotional safety has been damaged due to many factors and it's a tough thing to fix.
• Jesse withdrew emotionally and physically over the last year.  He was and is exhibiting symptoms of depression.
• James and Jonathan are emotionally charged, a bit whiny and very aggressive towards each other.  They seem a bit too rough and I am concerned.  
• JoyAnn took on a role that wasn't hers to embrace and she's tried too hard to grow up too quickly.  
• We lived in two states in one year.  
• We currently live in a rental (that is out of our price range) until August.  We really want to be back in our home.  
• I had to give up a dream, a family goal of homeschooling our children.  The older three are all in public school.  Once again...hear me NOT bad, just different than planned.
• Currently we are a part of an intensive, in-home intervention to avoid Joseph being removed from the home and to repair damaged relationships.  This involves individual, couples work, sibling to sibling and parent to child interactions. 2-3 2-hr. sessions per week.  It's good, but hard and exhausting.
• My husband who is a fine singer (in my opinion) has lost his song.  He hasn't sung a note since July of last year.  
• I'm home, but I'm not home.  Things don't seem to fit the way they did before and a general feeling of disconnect has caused quite a bit of emotional discomfort.

I could go on, but I think this covers most of it.  All of this discomfort, pain, unmet expectation, fear, doubt, anger, hurt, change...it's all part of God's plan. Being broken isn't punishment.  It's a gift really, and I'm seeing it. 

Recently I was introduced to a song by Bethel Music entitled "We Dance".  It is ministering to me in a deep and special way.  The fog of my anxiety, depression and state of being "stuck" has slowly been lifting and I was reminded of an experience I had in Sept. of last year. as I literally danced before my Savior in the stillness of the night in my living room in honor of the living and dying of Kara Tippetts at Mundane Faithfulness. It is an odd place to be when you feel like everything you've ever been is dead and gone and there is no purpose for you as a person and that your family is floundering, drowning and dangling from a cliff. Knowing the Sovereignty of God and trusting it are two different things. Yes, I'm different. My season has changed. My old dreams have faded, and I'm learning again to sing, to live, to love, to partner with a man that is different than he has been for the last 19 years, to see, really see EACH of my five children and my plans for home schooling, parenting, home making have been forced to change. It's all scary. It's all uncomfortable. It's all.....in GOD'S Hands AND he's holding me...leading me, whispering to me as WE DANCE!!! Be blessed today and thank you for praying for this fledgling songbird. I can hear the song...in the distance and it won't be long until I'm the one singing. 

Happy New Year

Well it's January 15th.  Why would you be wishing me a "Happy New Year" today?  Well I believe that everyday is a chance to start again, anew and to learn, grow and change.  I told you that my 2015 "Word" is BRAVE. Part of being brave and my ‪#‎2015ThemeSong‬ word for the year includes not looking back to the past except to use it to learn, grow and change.

JJ Heller has ministered to me for years. I quoted her just a few days ago on my Facebook page. Here new song "This Year" is catchy, singable and full of truth.  I love the line in the chorus that says "Let's fight a good fight....train our eyes to see the light and make this year the BEST one yet."  There's also a line in the last verse that says "...to feel alive instead of feeling numb".  These two things go hand in hand for me.  I've felt numb for the last several months because I've been focusing on the wrong things.  The weight of my life, my reality, the grandness of our situation, the urgency of our family dynamic all of this has created a spiritual, mental and emotional haze that has hindered my vision.  As the dust is settling, the fog is lifting I'm seeing the beauty all around me.  I believe that gratitude is what is helping the clouds to part.  I want to see the light.  The light in me, the light in others, the light all around.  Beauty, grace, mercy and goodness are everywhere.  I want to be present in the moment and have eyes to see it.

I'll be sharing some goals, dreams and hopes for this year later.  Tonight I just wanted to share this song. Be blessed....embrace the moment, go for it, dream BIG and live life to the full. May 2015 be the BEST YEAR YET! Happy New Year....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAsouPV8F-g

— listening to JJ Heller.

JJ Heller - This Year (Official Lyric Video)

Less than a week old, "This Year (Happy New Year)" is uploaded and pending approval from the iTunes store! We expect it to be available later today - 1/6/15)...

YOUTUBE.COM

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BRAVE

This year I was encouraged by a friend to name my year.  I've read of other people using this practice.  Last year I even prayed to be "gloriously ruined". WOW!  That's another post.  As you can see it was a loaded year.  I only blogged once.  So...on to THIS post.

BRAVE.  Here's my 2015 Theme Song.  I'm going to be brave, not because I have the strength to do so, but because of the Spirit that lives within me.  Why brave?  Why not peace?  I sure could use some peace.  For those of you that might be new to my blog or even a friend that needs a refresher...I'm a wife to Nathan (almost 20 years), mother to Joseph (13), Jesse (10), JoyAnn (10), Jonathan (5) and James (5).  Yes you read correctly...five kids and two sets of twins.  There are lots of things that you didn't read in those last sentences.  Things that can't be described in words or would take many blog entries.  Depression, anxiety, autism, fear, joy, chaos, struggle, change.....all just in those last sentences.  So...peace would have been a GREAT word.  What about joy, love, change, or happiness?  All wonderful words.  My word though is BRAVE. 

Being brave is so much more than conquering a fear such as heights, the dark or public speaking. Being brave involves asking for help, being vulnerable, having a teachable spirit and learning even at 40.  Bravery is letting go of the the hold that the past has had and stepping into a glorious future even though the way hasn't been revealed.  This past Sunday we sang It is Well by Bethel (if you haven't listened to it you should) and my friend Amy sang lead.  I shared about the importance of this song to me back in October of last year.  Here is the post from my FB page.  

There's a day coming....soon when my heart and flesh will boldly be able to stand and sing "It is Well". This song has been spreading around FB. I heard it weeks ago and I couldn't stop listening. JoyAnn even asked me if I was o.k. No, that day is not today. However, when this songbird finds her new song it will be stronger, sweeter, deeper and more passionate than before. Grateful...so grateful for purposeful, pruning, powerful pain that is urging me on to seek more of Jesus. Even if it's in my bathroom.....I will sing this someday as a a sacrifice of praise, proclaiming the healing of my shattered soul, broken heart and wounded mind. This song is worth the wait!!!  

As we sang this song, and I shared in the passion by adding a high harmony, I was moved to tears.  A friend of mine sent me this message the next day...."Yesterday during worship you lead with your heart. I could see each word loving on your heart. I don't know what you're going through. But it was beautiful. I wanted to find you after church and say hello and give you a hug. I'm sorry I didn't find you. But thank you for being authentic in your worship."

Standing there on stage and allowing myself to be vulnerable was my brave.  To sing with all of my heart, soul and voice as my faith family held me up with their prayers and my own family sat in the congregation carrying weights and burdens of their own, I was brave.  

Brave means not being fake, false or disengaged.  Brave is facing pride, false belief, fear, depression, stinking thinking and unmet expectation and rebuilding a life on the TRUTH.  Brave is continuing to work towards change even when you don't see or feel results.  Brave is believing the best and hoping for the best even when there is no evidence this is possible.  Brave is walking every step by faith, literally taking every breath in hope and expectation that you are being HELD by something, someone greater than you.  Brave is living life fully, without regret and being willing to fail, to try, to be detoured and directed down a different path.  

This is my prayer for 2015.  So much change.  So much new, but it's all so exciting.  Really it is and I can't wait to share this year with you.  Thanks as always for reading.  Leave some love and let me know what's going on in your life.  Perhaps you would come along and name YOUR year???  

~Learning to be BRAVE......

Janelle

Welcome to 2014

As you can tell I haven't posted recently.  2013 was a very different and challenging year for me personally and for our family.  Although I won't hash through details or events I'm sure experiences that have happened in the last nine months have shaped me, and therefore I'm sure they will pop up in my writing in the next few weeks and months.

I can tell you that I have missed writing desperately.  I am simply going to have to make the time to get my thoughts out via word.  Whether it be journaling or if the thoughts make it onto this blog, it honestly doesn't matter.  There simply has to be an outlet.  The water of life is rising and my nose is barely above it.  Drowning is not an option and writing is a life preserver that will help me stay afloat.  Prayerfully the words that I pen are a blessing to someone.  Perhaps someday my children will read them, but nonetheless these words are helpful to me.  Therefore, I will continue to allow my thoughts no matter how insignificant be placed into words and I will use the gift of writing to continue to grow as a person and to experience movement in this journey of life. 

Perhaps I will write an entry soon about my game plan for this year.  Today I will talk about a phrase that I heard recently that stuck with me.  I can't get it out of my mind and it resonated so loudly within my heart that I am prayerfully making it my "phrase" for the year.  Two words....GLORIOUSLY RUINED.  I want my life to be ruined, destroyed by my maker and rebuilt into something glorious, useful for the kingdom and more colorful, brilliant and pleasing than the broken down insane chaos I've lived in for the last year. 

There will be a day when I am able to write well.  To truly put my deepest thoughts, feelings and musings into the form and prose that I desire but until that day...I'm honing my craft.  However, this holy unsettling, this glorious ruin that I so long for was beautifully and accurately captured in a poem by Lysa TerKeurst in January of 2009.  Read it today and substitute 2014.  I want to share it with you.  I have shared it on this blog before, but I pray that the more we read it, that it's roots will grow deep into our hearts.  May this be my prayer for this year Lord. 

Unsettled

Unsettle me.
These are the two words rattling about in my brain today. I almost wish it was a more glamorous prayer. Surely more eloquent words could be found for what I’m feeling led to pursue during this new year.
But these are the words- this is the prayer for my 2009.
The funny thing is I’ve spent my whole existence trying to find a place to settle down. People to settle down with. And a spirit about me worthy of all this settled down-ness.
All of this is good. A contented heart, thankful for its blessings is a good way to settle.
But there are areas of my life that have also settled that mock my desires to be godly woman. Compromises if you will.

Attitudes that I’ve wrapped in the lie, “Well, that’s just how I am. And if that’s all the bad that’s in me, I’m doing pretty good.”
I dare you, dear soul of mine, to notice the stark evidence of a spirit that is tainted and a heart that must be placed under the microscope of God’s word.
Yes, indeed, unsettle me Lord.
Unearth that remnant of unforgiveness.
Shake loose that justification for compromise.
Reveal that broken shard of pride.
Expose that tendency to distrust.
Unsettle me in the best kind of way. For when I allow your touch to reach the deepest parts of me- dark and dingy and hidden away too long- suddenly, a fresh wind of life twists and twirls and dances through my soul.
I can delight in forgiveness and love more deeply.
I can discover my gentle responses and find softer ways for my words to land.
I can recognize the beauty of humility and crave the intimacy with God it unleashes.
I can rest assured though harsh winds blow, I will be held.
Goodbye to my remnants, my justification, shards, and tendencies. This is not who I am- nor who I was created to be.
Goodbye to shallow love, sharp words, self focus, and suspicious fears. I am an unsettled woman who no longer wishes to take part in your distractions or distructions.
Welcome deeper love, softer words, unleashed intimacy, and the certainty I am held.
Welcome my unsettled heart.
Welcome 2009.

Is that all really necessary?

"Is that all really necessary?" the "nice lady" leaned over and asked me at the movie theater today.  No ma'am.  "It" as in Joseph's loud and inappropriate laughing isn't necessary.  I simply said "He has autism" and then she said not once, not twice, but three times "Well then no problem."  But yes madam...there is a problem.  There are MANY problems.  None of which I can fix and very few of them which I can even handle, deal with, or talk about without having emotional meltdown. 

I could type yet another blog entry about the difficulties of being a family with a child on the spectrum.  I won't bore you with my diatribe.  Perhaps I could use this little corner of cyberspace to vent my feelings, disappointments and heart breaks.  It really doesn't do the reader any good.  I simply am going to ponder the question...."Is that all really necessary?"

That IS the question.  Truthfully it's the question I've wanted to ask God and have pretended that I shouldn't, couldn't or didn't want to do so.  The issue is that I don't understand.  I say I do.  I say I trust.  I say there's got to be something good in it all and that there is a plan.  Yet my heart for years has ached so deeply that at times I physically couldn't breathe.  I even wrote on my prayer request card this past week a very personal request involving Joseph.  Since writing those words on that tiny piece of paper my heart has been challenged, stretched and wounded several times.  If I can't trust and rest in the unconditional love of my God how can I introduce Him to my children? 

I say that I want people to ask questions about Joseph instead of assuming, but I really don't want that.  Every time I have to answer them it is too painful.  I say that I wish we could live in a world where people with autism were understood and allowed to just live at peace, yet I am not living in peace.  The truth is I don't want a different world.  Most of the time I want a different life.  Several of the autism support sites have a saying "I wouldn't change you for the world, but I would change the world for you." I personally think that is hogwash.  If I could change Joseph I would in a heartbeat.  Day after day, after day of verbal abuse is truly taking it's toll on me.  Weariness has attached itself to my soul and I don't' know how many more tears I have.  I'm tired of wishing away, thinking about, giving mental time and attention to a life that isn't mine.  I just wish I knew how to live.  I wish I knew how to deeply, passionately and completely love my son JUST the way he is.  It is becoming more and more evident to me that he is incapable of change.  I'm tired of the years that I've wasted trying to change him and I ashamed, deeply ashamed for even trying.  His siblings are sad and it is a very difficult time for the Flint family.

The big pink elephant in the room..."Is that all really necessary?".  God, please hear the heart of a woman that's broken, a mother that's hurting and a daughter that believes but is begging you to help her unbelief.  Show me, somehow, someway, please let me know that this has a purpose.  Please help me to trust you that this life has a meaning.  Please, please, please teach me that the bigger picture is one full of color and beauty.  Help me to rest.  That's what I really want is just to rest and please give my boy a day, just one day, just a moment of clarity where he can see you, feel you, know you because if he can experience your presence then I will know that all of this was necessary.

Lessons Taught by a Six Year Old

Dear friends of ours, the Russell family, will be burying their six year old daughter Emilee in the next few days.  She died yesterday from Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever while on a family vacation to Texas.  It was the trip from hell and they only made it as far as LA before they had to transport her to a hospital for treatment.  The entire story is too long to recount and I don't have every detail.  I did speak with Beth (Emilee's mom) via text a few times this week and there have been numerous FB messages and posts.  All the nitty gritty details aren't important.  Emilee is with Jesus and it's heartbreaking. 

Heartbreaking for oh so many reasons.  One that is especially prominent in my mind is the fact that  Emilee left behind a twin.  Her brother Charlie Jr. is now an only child.  As a mother of multiples I know the bond that twins have.  Siblings are close, but twins ARE closer.  They just are and I can't imagine the pain that little boy will feel, is feeling, as he tries to reconcile that his partner in this duet dance of life is no more.  Trying to process this in the last few days with my nine year old twins (Jesse and JoyAnn) has been difficult, but oh so good.  We've had hard and encouraging conversations about heaven, God's sovereignty, justice and holiness.  There have been tears shed and sadness verbalized.  JoyAnn has spoken of the last time she saw Emilee, March of this year.  Jesse has been a bit more reserved, but has at times whispered prayers for the Russell family as we all have shared our requests and thoughts with God as a family.  Even my three year old twins, Jonathan and James, have prayed for the Russell family. 

It has been heartbreaking to think of this Sunday.  As people all over celebrate Father's Day, Charlie Russell will be grieving the loss of his daughter, but wrestling with the joy of still fathering Charlie Jr.  How joy and pain can co-exist is so difficult to fathom.  It is vaguely reminiscent of Emily's passing in the movie Courageous.  One of the lead characters has to grieve his daughters passing while learning how to father his only son and lead the family well through this time of pain and into a further, growing life in Christ.  My husband Nathan has been especially saddened by this passing.  Although Wednesday morning over our coffee and morning talk time the Lord spoke clearly to Nathan.  He had prayed on Monday morning aloud with our family asking God to heal Emilee.  On Wednesday the Lord reminded Nathan that he had not forgotten Nathan's request and he was going to heal her.  It was just a few hours later that we learned of her passing.  God is faithful even when we have a hard time reconciling His plans and ways. 

Here's the really hard part for me to handle, deal with and speak of when it comes to Emilee's passing.  I feel it's important though because it banishes my pride, destroying my stubborn will, allowing integrity, honesty and light bringing freedom to my soul.  Emilee lived a full and wonderful life in her 6 short years.  To honor her memory and the freedom she walked in I need to really take a look at what I'm feeling.  There is grief.  That is obvious.  There is anger.  Once again expected.  How about sadness, confusion and doubt.  I would say that all of those are normal for a friend to feel upon the death of someone dear to them. 

What kept me awake last night and has filled my thoughts today are the feelings of guilt and shame.  I am ashamed of myself because of the thoughts and feelings that I've had about my own children.  Oh the times I've wished for my "own life" back.  I've wanted vacations with Nathan, alone on a deserted island.  I've been so overwhelmed by Joseph's incessant barrage of verbal ammunition, the pain and destruction that autism has caused our family, the countless hours in therapy for barely apparent reasons. Some days I've even wished that Joseph was non-verbal.  That's shocking just to even see in writing.  I can't believe I've thought that.  Many days I've wondered why I have five children with two sets of twins.  My house is SOOOO noisy.  Weariness grips me most days because of the constant flow of stimulation, noise, fussing, squeals of glee, laughter, crying, you name it.  It's just LOUD!!!  I feel ashamed because Beth and Charlie will never hear "I love you" spoken by Emilee (this side of glory).  Quite often I wish I could send them to public school, not because I feel less passionate about home education, but just so I can sleep late, take a long, uninterrupted bath, get a haircut or my nails done.  How about a coffee date with a friend?  Some days I feel as if I'll vomit if I hear "MOM" once more.  Beth would give anything to hear Emilee say "Mom".  I'm so tired of wiping noses, butts and brows.  I had 16 days in NICU.  The Russell family had MANY more.  I get angry when I have to cook for 7.  Now she can breeze through a meal for three.  I won't take my kids to the doctor because we don't have insurance and can't afford it.  They are looking at thousands of dollars in medical bills AND funeral expenses on top of that.  I don't want to take my kids anywhere.  Transporting them is a hassle, packing extra clothes, fastening car seats, taking a stroller, making sure that Joseph knows the plan, water bottles for us all, timing it just right so we aren't out at snack time or lunch time.  They are having to transport her body from LA to NC.

My selfishness astounds me.  My pride and lack of patience with my children and myself is disheartening.   I spent time last night in prayer repenting of my lack of belief, my lack of gratitude for my life and gifts that God has bestowed upon me.   I ONCE again asked Him for strength to see my children through His eyes.  I vowed to do more loving and less yelling.   I once again asked for forgiveness for trying so hard to make my children grow up too quickly and to change them into what I wish they could become.  Today I've tried to slow down.  I want to spend less time on FB, my phone and hiding from my life and my children by always being "busy".  I'll take my hard days.  I'll take being tired.  Being yelled at by Joseph and feeling constantly misunderstood and disrespected isn't easy, but at least Joseph is with me.  I'll take the noise.  Every messy, frustrating, challenging part of parenthood is mine.  God grant me the strength to embrace it, the grace to be grateful and the desire to dream big in you for me and for my children.  I want to stop talking about living and START living.  Yes, BIG mistakes have been made in the past in the arena of parenting.  I'm sure I'll make more, as soon as tomorrow (the kids are all in bed).  I'm not going to stop.  I'm going to keep doing my best, realizing His mercies are new and that my children DO love me.  I'm not as bad a mom as I think I am.  We all have room to grow and change.  Family is a gift and I want to enjoy every moment of it.

To my dear friends the Russell's...you are loved.  I'm so, so sorry for your loss,  Emilee, you will be missed.  Thank you Beth for making the time to come see us in March.  I have such sweet memories of my last hug from Emilee.  I pray to see the remaining Russell's in NC when God allows.  Emilee, enjoy Jesus, I'll be there before you know it singing beside you. 

To those reading.....Yes joy and sorrow can coincide.  Pain and peace can be roommates.  Not only in grieving a death, but in everyday life.  I can LOVE being a mom and be in pain over dreams shattered or goals left unachieved.  I can watch agendas die and release expectation and simultaneously feel joy, relief and sorrow.  There is a place for all of this. For me that place is at the cross.  Praise be to God.  He is my hope eternal.  The hope of forgiveness, restoration, second, third and fiftieth chances and the hope of eternity with him, pain free, fever free, autism free....oh glory is going to be just that....GLORIOUS. 

Happy Anniversary Nathan

Yesterday my husband gave me a wonderful gift.  He went grocery shopping for me.  Shopping has to be one of my LEAST favorite household chores/responsibilities.  So as a gift he and our daughter went to Costco.  It was so thoughtful.

That's Nathan.  His love language is acts of service.  He LOVES to provide for us, to serve and is always looking for ways to make sure that we are taken care of completely and comfortably.  I am ever so thankful for his gentleness in this area.

18 years we celebrated yesterday.  What a gift.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't whisper a prayer of gratitude for this man.  He continues to love me through my fear, pain and failure while bringing me to Jesus daily.  What a man I married!!!

Prayerfully we will be able to have a date soon to celebrate God's faithful provision to us in allowing us 18 years of grace together.  However, I am learning once again that every moment is precious and that I can hold onto the sound of his voice, the look in his eye, the warmth of his smile, the authenticity of his laugh wherever, whenever we are together.  God bless you Nathan Roy Flint.  I'm so honored that you chose me.

An Update in Pictures

I wanted to share with you some pics of our outdoor adventures.  I will also try and post some pics of the house and our neighborhood.  Hope you enjoy.

Jesse and JoyAnn's 9th B-Day Celebration

Our first trip to Deception Pass State Park

A shot 2/3 of the way up the climb (It was worth it!)

A view from the bridge over the pass

Climbing back down

Four of the kiddos throwing rocks into the water

JoyAnn after lunch at Ivar's before we board the Mukilteo Ferry to ride across to Whidbey Island to play at the park

The Mukilteo Ferry

Jesse took this shot of Nathan and Me

Jesse's "I don't like seagulls" face

A day at the park (Whidbey Island)

 

 

 

I hope you enjoyed these shots.  We just took a walk to Harborview Park the other night, but I forgot my camera.  It is so beautiful here and I hope that I can keep capturing great shots.  Thanks again for sharing.

The Difference a Month Makes

30 days ago I didn't live in WA.
30 days ago I could walk next door to my mother's house.
30 days ago I didn't have to figure out time differences.
30 days ago I could take my kids to Chuck E. Cheese, Chick-Fil-A or Fun Depot.
30 days ago I lived in a house that my Nannie and Papa built and filled with memories.
30 days ago I lived in the state that I had called home since 1984. 

Today I live in a house built in 2008.
Today I live in a state where you can stand at the shoreline and look up and see mountain ranges
     covered in snow.
Today I can ride a ferry for fun with my children.
Today I can look outside my windows and see evergreen trees that are three or four stories tall.
Today I am learning that home is more than geography.

The difference a month can make.  Today I'm a little melancholy and a tad homesick, but filled hope and joy for a life of growth, change and faith building.  30 days ago I didn't think I could.  Today I know that not only can I but I did. 

"Good Campground"

So...we have arrived.  Washington is just lovely and God has blessed us with much sunshine.  Actually we've had some very interesting weather since Mukilteo, WA is an Indian word for "good or happy campground".  I flew with the two sets of twins, my dad and my brother Tyler from Charlotte to Newark, NJ and then on to Seattle, WA.  It was on my 38th birthday.  Happy Birthday to me.  My daughter did buy me donut holes from Dunkin Donuts at the airport and a VERY nice woman bought me a glass of white wine on the plane.  I must have appeared to have needed one (I can only imagine why....).  Overall, the kids did an AMAZING job and I am so glad we decided to travel that way.  I can't imagine a week or more of traveling in a car with five kids.  It actually was less expensive to do it this way!  I simply COULD NOT have done it though without my dad and Tyler's help. 

Nathan and Joseph with God's gracious mercy arrived safely in Mukilteo on Wednesday the 20th.  It was a precious reunion.  I MISSED my men.  Tim and Melissa Moore made our first few days not only bearable but downright pleasant.  Thursday the 21st brought a birthday to Jesse and JoyAnn and we celebrated in FULL fashion.  We had lunch at Azteca and the kids wore sombreros and were sung to over free ice cream.  Then that night we celebrated at Outback with glow sticks, balloons and red velvet cake afterwards.  It was a GREAT day. 

The pacific NW is a beautiful place, but we certainly have been reminded of the differences between the east and west coasts.  Adjusting has been a process.  Nathan I think is having the hardest time of all of us.  Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally he has the most to process.  Keep praying for him. 

There is so much to process and I have some wonderful pics to share.  I just need to get them from the phone to the computer.  I'm learning how to use my smart phone and the Windows 8 platform still boggles me. 

I'm going to do my best to keep the blog updated and share our new adventures.  Thanks for reading.

Janelle

"Learning to Breathe"

For years my blog has been titled "Joy in the Journey".  I felt like I needed to change the title in honor of this new grand adventure, this new chapter in our lives.  The last decade has been filled with unmet expectation of God, myself and others that have left me disillusioned and overwhelmed.  I feel as if I'm drowning in the sea of life and I need to "Learn to Breathe". 

Day by day I'm learning to let go of more of myself and fall headlong into the deep, deep love of Jesus Christ.  Here are some things that help me learn to breathe IN the goodness of God and breathe out the worries of life.

1. Spending time in God's Word.  I read many translations.  Predominantly I read the NASB New American Standard translation.  Currently I am using the New Inductive Study Bible published by Precept Ministries International.  Precept is a particular study method that helps me focus by reading and re-reading a passage and marking particular words or phrases (www.precept.org).  I listen to the Bible online (www.bible.is).  Usually the ESV version.  There is also a great app for my droid (www.youversion.com).  I I also read daily devotionals (My Utmost for His Highest, Checklist or Life and Jesus Calling).  This past year I was introduced to www.project345.com.  Our faith family has been collectively participating in this reading plan and I feel it has made a difference personally and collectively.
2. True, lasting friendships that hold me accountable, lift me up and always bring me back to the cross. 
3. Journaling and blogging
4. Working the steps and principles through Celebrate Recovery.  I have been a part of this program for 7+ years.
5. Exercising regularly-this includes jogging, lifting weights, hiking and some yoga
6. Eating cleaner
7. Drinking more water
8. Prayer.  I used to think this was some very serious, arduous task.  I've come to realize that prayer IS breathing in the goodness of God and breathing out my hurt, pain and pride.  Prayer is more peaceful, personal, practical and purposeful these days.
9. Resting.  This is a difficult one for me.  I need more sleep than I like to admit.  I am coming to appreciate an early bedtime or the gift of an afternoon nap.
10. Laughing.  I so appreciate laughter.  It's always fun when combined with chocolate, friends, a nice wine, my sweet kiddos, date night and late night coffee talks.

For those of you who have helped me find joy as I've journeyed I pray you will continue to follow my musing while I learn to breathe.  This move to the pacific NW is going to be full of adventure and I will have LOTS to write about.  Thanks for reading.

Hello 2013

So, I'm back after NOT finishing the "30 Days of Gratitude".  An epic fail.  Oh well....that was so last year anyway...hehehe

Often new years are started with promises lofty and dreams of grandeur.  Not my year.  Not this year.  This year, 2013, I'm just gonna be real.  Here's my one resolution.  Hear me...just one.  I want to LIVE.  I want to engage fully, fearlessly in all aspects of my life.  This year I'm going to LIVE and live intentionally, abundantly, passionately.  I'm stepping out of my comfort zone of fear, complacency and glass half empty mentality. My life, this life, the ONE I've been given, is going to be a grand adventure. 

In March of this year we will be moving to the greater Seattle, WA area.  We are looking at Mukilteo or Everett.  Our family is submitting to God's calling to serve as missionaries.  Please check us out at this site.  2700+ miles, a new world, a new start, yet what we've always been walking towards.  Although every part of this feels exciting, new, and a little scary it also feels comfortable, familiar with a sense of coming home. 

Here is a copy of our "partner letter" and if you have any questions, feel free to ask! 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Co-Laborer,

We are so grateful for the precious love of Jesus that calls us, woes us, carries us moment by moment into a deeper more intimate understanding of Him.  It is this love that has been beckoning us to something more, something special, something weighty, yet so simple.  Loving God and loving people is what the Lord asks us, no, commands us to do, in His word (Mark 12:29-31).  Although we have been walking in this calling for years, God is re-defining us and how we can serve alongside Him in being His hands and feet to a lost, dark and dying world. 

A missionary is defined as someone who is sent to an area to evangelize, and perform ministries of service, such as social justice, education and restoration.  Jesus used this term when sending the disciples to preach in his name.  As followers of Christ we can be “salt and light” wherever we are.  It’s the wherever that is changing for the Flint family.  As we are realizing that God is calling us to a position of service on the mission field, we will be moving to the Mukilteo, WA area to serve as missionaries with Restoration Ministries. 

This is a three-fold ministry including:  planting churches and serving communities at the local level, working to develop and institute recovery programs, in the form of Celebrate Recovery , and to come alongside pastors and their families who have experienced burn-out, moral breakdown, and/or hurts that have prevented them from continuing in ministry.  We will be using the model of the City of Refuge.

Why the Northwest?  People need love everywhere, especially in the Asheville area.  Well, researchers have dubbed the NW area of the United States as the “none zone”.  Nine out of ten people check “none” as a religious affiliation.  In the “Bible belt” where we currently live, nine out of ten check “Christian” as their affiliation.  Oswald Chambers put it this way “…Jesus never measured His life by how or where He was of the greatest use. God places His saints where they will bring the most glory to Him, and we are totally incapable of judging where that may be.” We didn’t choose the NW.  God chose it for us!  By checking a box, we know that doesn’t give an accurate description of someone’s heart.  However, to check “none” brings with it a definitive position of either a lack of knowledge or concern to the place and divinity of THE Higher Power, Jesus Christ.  Please hear us, people need love, everywhere! 

It’s also vitally important that you hear that we are NOT moving 3200 miles across the country for a man (although we do have friends there), for a man-made program (yes Celebrate Recovery changed our lives as individuals and as a family), or to DO anything for God.  God is the one that redeems, saves, changes and heals.  He simply wants us to follow him, love him and share that love with others.  We are compelled to LOVE people.  People like us AND people very different from us.  God’s perfect love is so delicious that we want to share it with others. It is our prayer that this love spills out from us and helps others to see the true Light.  We take up our mantle as missionaries to love, to serve, to share life with those whom God places in our path. 

We have been loving people in Western North Carolina for years.  By participating and serving in Celebrate Recovery for more than seven years our eyes have been opened to the spiritual poverty of all people (ourselves included). God has blessed us with opportunities to minister in prisons, rehab facilities, have a recovering addict live with us for almost two years, serve in almost every capacity of our local Celebrate Recovery program, minister to homeless Veterans, participate on various worship teams, work with youth, teach Sunday school, become trained Precept Bible study leaders, co-lead a LIFE group and minister through the “Walk to Emmaus” ministry. We also have been able to serve on accountability teams for personal and family restorations, serve as sponsors to recovering addicts and work with the Department of Social Services to help people who are working diligently to get back on track. 

As mentioned previously, all followers of Christ have been called to love their neighbor.  How can you help us love the neighbors in the NW?  First, you can PRAY.  Restoration Ministries and Restoration Church-Mukilteo need a canopy of prayer.  We as a family need prayer for safety, provision, protection and peace during this transition process.  A move of 3200 miles is a grand adventure.  You can participate with Restoration Ministries by getting involved in short-term mission work, or if God should lead you to move to the NW to partner there.  Thirdly you can provide monetarily.  There are many needs: moving costs, housing costs, off-setting salaries (Nathan will be bi-vocational for now), providing specific ministry needs, you name it…we need it!  However, we are expectant to see God provide miraculously.  Giving is monitored through the Puget Sound Baptist Association.  For up-to-date information, a more thorough explanation of the ministry, or to give online, visit www.restoration-ministries.info.  Also feel free to write, email or call us with any questions. 

Thank you for loving us, sowing into our lives, supporting us in prayer and considering partnering.

In His Extravagant Love,
Nathan and Janelle Flint

Your Praise Will Go on and on.....

Not just for a day or 30 days.....forever and ever His love endures and I AM GRATEFUL!!!!

"Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name. For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100:4-5