So today as I was traveling to www.randallglen.com Randall Glen Farms with my four children (minus Joseph) for a home school co-op field trip, I encountered an unusual road sign.
I'm not sure how this sign makes me feel. There are times I feel as if I wear this sign. Every outburst, every tantrum, every food jag, every conversation dealing with a vocal tic, every tear....can often be summed up by this sign.
Lately I feel as if my life is completely consumed with and by autism. At this point in the journey of my life I'm not able to view autism as just a part of who Joseph is or a gift or even a part of a loving, Sovereign God's plan. Today I'm over it. Today I'm sad. Today I'm fearful and disappointed. Today I want something more, something different, something ELSE for Joseph and for our family.
I'm weary and tired of feeling as if I have to justify every action, every detail forgotten, every inappropriate action or conversation. My soul longs for rest and my mother's heart is broken, absolutely broken. I grieve for Joseph. I grieve for myself. I grieve for his siblings, the true, intimate, lasting relationship he won't be able to navigate/cultivate, the life I think he should have. I grieve. I question. I fail to understand or find joy. I fail.....
Such powerful emotion after almost seven years. Joseph was diagnosed when he was four and today it feels as if I am hearing that word for the first time.
Maybe I need a road sign that says "Hurting, Sad and Overwhelmed Momma Area"?