Friday, June 22, 2012

A Big Yellow Sign

So today as I was traveling to Randall Glen Farms with my four children (minus Joseph) for a home school co-op field trip, I encountered an unusual road sign.                                
I'm not sure how this sign makes me feel.  There are times I feel as if I wear this sign.  Every outburst, every tantrum, every food jag, every conversation dealing with a vocal tic, every tear....can often be summed up by this sign. 

Lately I feel as if my life is completely consumed with and by autism.  At this point in the journey of my life I'm not able to view autism as just a part of who Joseph is or a gift or even a part of a loving, Sovereign God's plan.  Today I'm over it.  Today I'm sad.  Today I'm fearful and disappointed.  Today I want something more, something different, something ELSE for Joseph and for our family. 

I'm weary and tired of feeling as if I have to justify every action, every detail forgotten, every inappropriate action or conversation.  My soul longs for rest and my mother's heart is broken, absolutely broken.  I grieve for Joseph.  I grieve for myself.  I grieve for his siblings, the true, intimate, lasting relationship he won't be able to navigate/cultivate, the life I think he should have.  I grieve.  I question.  I fail to understand or find joy.  I fail.....

Such powerful emotion after almost seven years.  Joseph was diagnosed when he was four and today it feels as if I am hearing that word for the first time. 

Maybe I need a road sign that says "Hurting, Sad and Overwhelmed Momma Area"?

1 comment:

Amanda Turbyfill said...

I have seen that sign and didn't know how to feel about it, either. And I do not have a child with autism. I guess the purpose of it is ultimately for safety, and I was told that there is a group home for autistic children in the area and that is where the sign originated from. I am sending many hugs and prayers your way. We really should get together soon.