So, just an hour and a half ago I walked my husband to his car and said goodbye.
Why is this significant today? Well it was a different goodbye. I was saying goodbye knowing that life as the Flint family has known it is about to change. Change DRASTICALLY!
Nathan left today for his training for Schneider. I've blogged about this already so I don't need to go into how sad I am, or how much I will miss Nathan. What this blog is about is how I am learning to love him. LESS.
Intrigued? Well, to be honest so am I. I have worked the last twelve years to be a BETTER wife, to love him MORE, to show him in more effective ways JUST how much I love him. I have told him "I love you" countless times. I certainly meant it, however, I am learning that I also meant "do you love me"? As I have been preparing for Nathan to start his new job I have really been doing some soul searching. I have discovered once again my co-dependent, NEEDY side. The side that has held onto Nathan too tightly to even allow him room to breathe, to grow, to live. I have had unrealistic expectations of him. I have been to demanding on him physically, emotionally, spiritually. So walking him to the car today was a "go with God". It was a time of releasing him. Letting him go and starting on this journey to love him LESS. Maybe I should say DIFFERENTLY?
I want Nathan to be loved by God first and foremost and to be able to show and shower his love back to the One who created him. Then loving me will just be "icing on the cake". That's the kind of love I want to give AND receive. I want to love like I Corinthians 13 says (the Message) "Love never gives up. Love never cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first", doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but kees going to the end." That's the kind of love I'm looking for and learning to walk in while displaying this kind of love to Nathan AND others. What a journey.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Sunday, August 12, 2007
The ones we love the most tend to hurt us the deepest. This has been said and man is it true! Choosing to forgive. Wanting to forgive. Actually forgiving...Steps to wholeness for both the forgiver AND the forgivee!
Watching those you love suffer because of a hurt that has been sent their direction. Feeling helpless all the while as they cry. Being there as they slowly slip into a state of depression! Wondering if they will ever "be with you" again.
There are days like today I am ANGRY. I don't want to forgive. I am mad. It is hard today to even want to forgive, to walk in love and to pray for my "enemy". However, I choose to forgive. I choose to love. I choose to try and reconcile. I choose to be set free from the bondage of anger, hurt and disappointment. I release my resentment. If God is willing to forgive me then I can forgive those who have hurt me and my family. I forgive.....
There is a song by Brandon Heath "I'm Not Who I Was" that speaks to the heart of forgiveness both giving and receiving. I want to be whole. I want to be able to forgive the people who have hurt me, AND to forgive MYSELF.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Last week was the first week of band camp for C.D. Owen (my alma mater). I can't believe they have camp for two weeks. That would have been intense.
Anyway, the school is located very close to my mother's house in Swannanoa, NC. I was there one day last week (I can't remember which one specifically) and heard the distant thunder of the percussion section (the O.K.P.) and the warming up of horns as the band was preparing for a rehearsal. INSTANTLY I was flooded with a monsoon of memories and feelings.
I loved high school. Yes I loved it. The ups, the downs, the confusion and chaos. The "love" troubles, the best friend squabbles, the classes, the bad cafeteria food, ALL of it! My most treasured memories though center around my times in band and even more specifically MARCHING BAND!!! I had a great band director, great friends and great experiences. No, we weren't the world's best band. We had some ROUGH years in 1988-1989. It did get better and we ended on quite a high note (no pun intended). Personally for me they were some of the BEST years of my life.
I was blessed to have been on the colorguad, woodwind section leader, colorguard captain and drum major my senior year. I could go on and on with all of the fun times and experiences but I truly won't bore you. You probably wouldn't find them NEARLY as entertaining as I did. Let it just suffice to say that I thank the Lord for my memories. I thank him for having had the opportunity to make music with some wonderful people and for the joy of being part of something special.