Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Ever feel like the entire world is changing all around you, but you are staying the same?

Ever feel like the more you want to or try to change the more you become entrenched in your stagnation?

Ever wish for change so much that it hurts?

Well....if not than you can't relate to me.

This is me today....

Wishing for change...any change...just something different than what I have now.

Friday, May 21, 2010

15 Things That I Love About Nathan

These are the things about Nathan that still make me smile after 15 years. There are MANY more (but I can't type

1. His heart-Nathan LOVES the Lord. He has such a soft heart. His relationship with His Savior is sweet and tender. He loves Jesus more than he loves me and this makes me smile.

2. His love-Nathan is NOT a romantic in fact he sucks at it. How can I love that? Well it's taken MANY years to get through this. I'll admit that nothing would make me smile more than to be whisked away on a spontaneous, romatic outing or to receive flowers JUST BECAUSE or to have love notes waiting for me on my pillow. BUT...that's NOT Nathan. He loves me by working EVERY DAY in a job that he struggles with. He loves me by fighting consistent and debilitating depression and remaining with us. He loves me by mowing the grass and cooking breakfast almost every Saturday. He loves me by keeping our cars running smoothly. He loves me by playing with our children. He loves me by bringing me coffee on Sunday mornings. He loves me by not expecting our house to be perfectly clean. Get the idea??? He loves me uniquely and completely...just in different ways than the norm.

3. His voice- If you haven't heard him...HE CAN SING!!! When Nathan sings praises to the Lord I am always moved to tears. Nathan's heart desire is to sing full time. I pray that the Lord grants this wish. I would SOOOO dig being his back up singer. Nathan rocks my socks even when singing lullabies or rock band/guitar hero songs.

4. His vulnerability- Nathan has been through a lot. He has a past that would make most shy away from love, but he through Jesus is overcoming this. He has been COMPLETELY and TOTALLY honest with me about who he is, what he's done, what has been done to him, how he handled it...etc. I know every hurt, habit and hang-up and love him even more deeply and tenderly because of it.

5. His passion- He wants to be the best at everything he does. Whether this is a job, a skill or trade, a hobby...It doesn't matter. Nathan gives his all to whatever he tries. I appreciate this and am grateful that he is instilling this character trait in our children.

6. His smile- I appreciate this more and more every day. There was a long time I didn't see him smile. He struggled with 18 months of life changing depression. That smile I missed is back and I am grateful to God. Granted I don't see it everyday, but when I do it ROCKS MY WORLD!!!

7. His sense of humor- Nathan is by nature an introvert so when he comes out of his turtle shell long enough to get silly it is a treasure. When he tells a joke, says something sarcastic, or just has plain old fun I enjoy this immensely. Nathan really is a funny guy and that's why it's such a gift to see this side of him. I am grateful that he puts up with me. I am silly more than I should be, and am often sarcastic and caustic. I am witty and can use that to be manipulative and cruel sometimes. Not what humor was intended for at all. I admit it's a character flaw. That's why Nathan's humor is so refreshing. It's honest and pure. Almost child-like.

8. His knowledge- Nathan is very knowledgable at lots of things. I used to joke about him being Bob Villa by day and Martha Stewart by night. He is mechanically AND musically minded, an odd combination. He is a percussionist and vocalist. He can cook better than I do. He can sew and iron. He can repair large and small engines. He can build and repair houses. There isn't much Nathan can't do and I'm so grateful. He truly completes me. The Lord knew I needed someone to fulfill all of my inadequacies (too many to name). Nathan is my better half.

9. His kiss- once again something that I don't take for granted these days. Life is hard right now. It's busy and complicated and dificult some days. Yes there are days that go by that I don't kiss my husband. This doesn't make him a bad man. It just is the way it is right now. So, when Nathan is present with me enough and emotionally available enough to kiss me unprompted it makes my world spin. I like all kinds of kisses. Any time that man puckers up I ENJOY IT!!!

10. His Obsessive Compulsive Disorder/Depression- WOW! What an odd thing to type. Once again a hard one, but a gift non the less. His OCD has drawn us closer. Most people divorce these days. Many of our friends are divorced or going through a divorce. Yet we just celebrated 15 years and are happier now than ever. Why??? Well one of the reasons is because we have been in counseling together for many years. Although right now we are not seeing anyone, for years we did. Because Nathan finally sought help for his chemical imbalance and other issues we got some stuff out in the open. Counseling kept us together. Please don't get me wrong. Sitting there in front of Len Cruz for years wasn't easy. Hearing things I didn't want to hear. Saying things I really didn't want to say. Crying tears I wish weren't shed. ALL WORTH IT!!! I know Nathan. I love Nathan. I accept Nathan. There are many up-sides to OCD.

11. His ability to let go of things- As passionate as Nathan can be and obsessive at times he also has the ability to disconnect. This is something I don't have the ability to do. I hold onto everything (literally and emotionally). I am a packrat (genetic predisposition). My mother is a hoarder. My Nannie was a hoarder. I am fighting this DAILY. Nathan doesn't like cards. Don't get me wrong when I get him a card he reads it, says thank you and then throws it promptly in the trash. This used to PEAVE ME OFF. Now I understand we don't have the room or need to save these things. Nathan knows I love him. He doesn't need piles of paper to prove it. Why do I??? Still wondering this!!! Anyway...he also can disconnect emotionally. He forgives people when they hurt him. He doesn't stew over it or hold onto emotional baggage for YEARS like I do. I LOVE this quality he has, and am praying that I can learn it someday.

12. His love for our children- Nathan is a GREAT daddy. He is strong and gentle. Loving and able to discipline. He is fun and serious. He cares and lets go. He knows when to get involved and when to back off of things. He loves, loves, loves his children. I love watching him parent. I love the fact that he was with me during all three deliveries. He was an excellent labor support person in every situation and circumstance. He takes care of the children emotionally, physically, financially and spirtually. He shows them Christ and that's the greatest gift of all.

13. His physical attributes- What woman doesn't think her man is the most handsome ever? Yes I know Nathan is overweight. Yes I know he's not a GQ cover model. It's ok. I love him just the way he is. Would I like him to change? Yes, but I'm sure he would like me to change too. Nathan has gorgeous eyes, a sweet smile, good hair, srong hands...I could go on and on but I won't. I think he's the most handsome man I've ever seen and it still makes my heart skip a beat to see him walk in a room.

14. His ability to dream- Some day we'll own a timber frame house that Nathan helped build. Someday we'll go on a cruise. Someday Nathan will sing with a Christian group. Someday we'll be out of debt. Someday Nathan will own a business. Someday he'll go back to school for a degree in counseling. Someday...He dreams and he shares those dreams. We don't live in the future, we don't dwell on it...we just keep each other encouraged by dreaming. I'm glad Nathan does this.

15. His choices- I love that he chose me. He could have done a lot better for a wife, but he chose me and I will be FOREVER grateful.

So fifteen things for fifteen years. I love you Nathan. Something else I love about you is that you'll never even read this. You hate the Maybe I'll print it off and read it too you???? It's ok. I hope whomever reads this knows how much I love you and am loved by you. Happy Anniversary Nathan Roy Flint. I love you!!!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Just a glimpse into my gift...

A peaceful Mother's Day has really given me a chance to ponder what it means to be a mother. Even more specifically what it means to mother MY children. Being a mother is the greatest gift I have EVER received (besides SALVATION and the last name FLINT...)!!! It you to get just a little glimpse into why being a mother to these five AMAZING children is such a gift.

*Joseph William Flint (Born Sunday June 17, 2001-Father's Day that year and Tyler's Birthday)*
Joseph is my gift in MANY ways. I had a wonderful, unmedicated birth with Joseph. I labored in the tub and was able to be fully present in every way. It was truly holy and I'm forever grateful to have had these moments. He was being born as the sun was rising and I felt God's presence in the room in such a mighty way. It was beautiful.

His name was chosen for several reasons. "Joseph" is biblical. In Hebrew "Joseph" means "Jehovah increases". That is our prayer that God would increase Joseph's life. That he would be blessed with more than we have and that he would experience EVERYTHING God has for him. "William" is a family name. My Papa's name is David Williams and My Grandpa's name was Dexter William Morgan.

At approximately the age of three we realized that something was "different" about Joseph. While I was pregnant with Jesse and JoyAnn, Joseph began to exhibit strange mannerisms and regress verbally and lose some fine motor dexterity. He also became increasingly anxious and agitated. By the age of four there was an official diagnosis of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Through this frustrating, complicated and overwhelming disorder God has taught me SOOOOO much. Joseph sees the world in a very different way. I am amazed every day by him. God is growing me, stretching me, making me more like Him as I parent Joseph. Please don't get me wrong there are days I HATE AUTISM. There are days that I don't really like being Joseph's mom, but I ALWAYS LOVE HIM!!! I am learning to be his advocate and to accept him, FULLY and COMPLETELY as I release MY preconceived agendas for him. He is my "chocolate-eyed" boy with the delightful smile. Anyone who knows Joseph understands how his voice (whether singing or telling "stories") can draw a captive audience. I am pleased and blessed to be Joseph's mother.

*Jesse Morgan Flint (Born Sunday March 21, 2004)
My gentle spirit and #2 son. Nathan chose the name Jesse. He liked it's traditional sound and the fact that it was biblical yet fairly uncommon. Of course being a Dukes of Hazzard fan I wonder sometimes if he chose it because he liked Uncle Jesse ;-). Morgan is my maiden name. I wanted to honor my family of origin.

Jesse has a gentle, loving and unique spirit. He loves others with a deep love. However, he wears his emotions on his sleeve. He is afraid to cry sometimes and I think he stuffs his feelings too much. He doesn't stand up for himself and usually is the one to compromise. Lately however, he is becoming quite the pistol. Jesse's gorgeous smile and nice voice will come in handy someday I'm sure ;-). He loves his sister immensely and takes care of his little brothers quite well. Jesse is more patient with Joseph than JoyAnn usually and they are learning to play together quite nicely. I could easily say that he is a delight to be around.

He is mechanically minded and loves to figure out how things work. Jesse is too hard on himself though and expects perfection from himself and others THE FIRST TIME. I would say that Jesse is my "middle of the road" kid. He is average in learning, development etc. and is totally ok with that!

JoyAnn Renee Flint (Born Sunday March 21, 2004)
JoyAnn is truly a princess. Although she's not girly at all(hahahaha). She is a little demanding, dramatic and diva-ish. However, she can jump higher, run faster, hit farther, catch better etc. than either one of her brothers. I hear that she looks exactly like me (God bless her little soul). She has a precious smile and beautiful eyes. She is smart as a whip and probably a little advanced (even if I say so myself).

Mercy and compassion towards others (besides her are a gift of hers. She has a desire for the things of the Lord and I believe her heart is softening to Him. She misses her Nannie and talks about her quite often. She is a tremendous help with James and Jonathan. She acts as if she doesn't need people but she really does. She is totally connected to Jesse. I love her and look forward to becoming a good friend to her in years to come. I pray she can always talk to Nathan and me about anything. She will make a great wife and mother someday.

Jonathan Israel Flint (Born Sunday December 20, 2009)
This lil' man is just a love bug. We call him "smiley". He has a great smile and a lil' tongue just goes non-stop. He is ABSOLUTELY precious. You would never know that he was a preemie or had to be on a vent for a short time. I have a feeling that Jonathan is going to be an overachiever. He can already roll over both directions. We call him "turtle boy" because when he gets stuck on his back though he gets angry. He has sweet eyes and a cute little "boo boo" lip. Jesse has a connection to Jonathan that I can't wait to develop. Jonathan loves to play, swing, be held and look at people.

Although we NEVER planned on having twins AGAIN I am so blessed to have Jonathan. I cannot imagine my life without him. He holds a special place in my heart and I am so blessed that his time in NICU was short and we don't have any reason to believe that he has long term effects from prematurity.

James Paul Flint (Born Sunday December 20, 2009)
Named after our fathers (James Morgan and Randolph "Paul" Flint) he is a precious way to complete our family. #5 has a crooked half smile that lights up a room. He sings himself to sleep and everytime I hear it I want to cry with joy and happiness. He is a hunk, chunk and "the hulk". He really has bulked up from a mere 4 lbs. 11 oz.

James just loves to be held and is quite social. I love the fact that he takes things at his own pace. He doesn't seem bothered or worried about anything. I hope he can stay that way (granted he is only 4 months The only thing about James that is challenging right now is his VERY LOUD cry. It hurts your ears and makes you want to scream right along with him (especially at 4 in the morning).

I am glad that James was part of a duo. A few of my friends refer to James and Jonathan as the "Sons of Thunder". I pray that God will use James and his twin MIGHTILY for His kingdom.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Being Understood

I believe that being understood, TRULY understood by another human being is one of the greatest gifts one can receive.

I feel very alone today. Honestly I feel alone quite often. I don't think this is just a new mom, stay at home thing. I really feel as if I'm not connected to God, myself or others in a deep and meaningful way. Perhaps my expectations of myself and others are too high and unattainable. Maybe I want too much. Could I be too needy? I don't even think I understand myself sometimes.

Yesterday I was reminded that I don't have to be understood by others. I don't have to have anyone but Jesus. I have a long way to go, but I'm meditating on this and praying that God embeds this message deep into my soul. Be blessed by the message of this song. Worship Him unashamed and allow His love to heal the wounds you may have of being misused, misunderstood, discarded, betrayed, hurt, left alone, not needed, not wanted, looked over, used up, and being taken advantage of by others.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Yet Another Update

Jonathan's first sneakers

"Mirror,mirror on the wall...who's the cutest baby of them all???"

The boys chillin'

The Twins (both sets)

Jonathan Israel

A Couch Full of Love

So maybe someday I'll have a chance to write something meaningful. To really express what's on my heart. For's simply pics.

Enjoy ;-)