Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Missing My Man

So I'm officially missing my man!!!

Saturday was a blur.  We just wanted to know he had arrived safely. 

Sunday was miserable!!!  It was cold, rainy and dreary.  I managed to get all six of us to church.  We barely made it in time.  I felt like it was quite an accomplishment.  We held on until LIFE group time.  Yet....there wasn't any LIFE group this week.  We were all disappointed but understand that miscommunications happen.  My mom and dad invited us over for the evening.  It was pleasant.  My phone conversation that evening left me feeling very sad.  Nathan AND Jamie both got very seasick on Sunday.  My heart broke for them and I wished that I could have helped Nathan somehow, with anything.  I went to bed still feeling conflicted.

Monday was a nice day.  The weather was glorious and we had a little trip out for ice cream.  We did school AND chores.  It was a "red letter" day.  I felt on top of the world!!! 

And then there was Tuesday.....It started well enough.  I had a challenging yet invigortaing workout with Leslie.  I felt ALIVE.  Sarah and Elah came to play/watch the kiddos.  It was a blessing.  Lots of hugs and crafts later.  The kids were happy.  She allowed me some extra time to go to the grocery store.  I had agreed to bring dinner to some friends whose daughter was recently in a car accident.  I ONLY committed to a Tuesday because I would already be in Blk. Mtn. and I thought it would be a good use of my gas to deliver the meal before Celebrate Recovery.  Sarah was trying to be kind so she "kidnapped" Jesse and JoyAnn for the afternoon.  I didn't realize until late though JUST how much I depend on those two.  As I was trying to time the finishing meal preparations, dress the toddlers AND get ready myself it was apparent that I was in OVER my head.  A quick rescue call to my brother Tyler.  He was super.  Joseph helped as much as he could, but dressing babies and changing diapers certainly aren't his specialty.  Dinner delivered...almost to church and BAM as I was backing out of the driveway I plowed into the mailbox of the house across the street from where I delivered dinner.  Sheesh.  No time to stop.  Get to the church, make an apology phone call.  Is this day gonna end????  A general funk was in the air at CR.  It was a mildly uncomfortable night.  So glad Tuesday was over.

Ahhhh...but hump day!  Yes, it could get worse.  Help from Mimi and Grandpa this time.  THANK GOD I have such good in-laws.  Grandpa took the older three to therapy (for Joseph) and Mimi accompanied me to the appt. for the toddlers.  We came home and they let me salvage my emotions with a quick jog/walk.  It was nice.  After they left for church though the evening took a turn for the worse.  I snuck out thanks to Tyler and attended my FIT class at Mtn. View.  I had already fed the kids and told JoyAnn I would pay her a dollar if she would bathe the bubbies.  When I came home they were asleep and being held.  Ahhhhh peace at last.  However, Jesse screamed upon my entry woke up the bubs and they screamed for the next hour.  They wanted to be held as I needed to fix my dinner.  They were so inconsolable.  Calming themselves down was not an option.  They were over stimulated, over taxed, over tired.  So an 8 o'clock bedtime turned in 9:00 for them, 9:15 for Joseph and 10:00 for Jesse and JoyAnn.  There were some loose ends left to tie up before they could bed down for the night.  Most of us got to talk to Nathan and it was decided by all that families were meant to be complete and daddies shouldn't be away this long if humanly possible...ehehehehehe!!!

It's all downhill from here.  Tomorrow will be Jesse's gymnastics and then the Crockett family is going to rescue ME by having all five kiddos to their place for dinner/movie.  I will have two+ hours of peace!!!  Friday will be home school co-op and then home to wait for Daddy!!!  It's been hard, but we've made it!  I certainly have a new appreciation for military wives, missionaries, pastor's wives, ANY wives of men that travel on the job.  I'm grateful for almost EVERY day of our lives Daddy comes home.  This well oiled machine just doesn't run so well without him.  Daddy is our oil.  We love you Nathan.  Hurry home!!!

Saturday, March 24, 2012

The Green Eyed Monster

Today is the kind of post that I hate writing, but know that I must.  These are the kind of posts that show you that things in my world aren't always so pretty. 

This morning at 2:45 am Nathan left our little house here in SwannaNOWHERE, NC and headed on a fishing trip to the Keys.  I believe they will be spending the week in Marathon and also visiting Key West.  "They" consists of Vince Anderson, Jamie Dunham and Nathan Flint.  With a van full of fishing and diving equipment these men will be driving straight all day and into the night.  Although a wonderful opportunity, for us truly a once in a lifetime experience, I'm struggling.  You see I'm left here in podunkville with my five fighting kids.  Yes even at 2:30 this morning two of them managed to get into an argument.  Oh and here's the "double whammy"....a dear friend of mine Angie Barker usually helps me throughout the week.  She is unable to be here due to a family illness and an emergency trip to Atwood Kansas.  Now hear me, I'm not jealous of that in anyway, I'm just aware that this week has the potential to be a little overwhelming.  I'm praying for all of those traveling.  I'm praying for safety, protection, fun, relaxation, connection and peace.

Here's the rub.  My ten year old son Joseph said it pretty accurately "It makes me sad that we weren't invited."  That's how I'm feeling.  No one every says "Oh Janelle, please come away with me to the Bahamas."  Mom's don't get "honored" by their "employers"....hahahahahaha!!!  Even as I type this I'm so conflicted.  Jealousy is ugly.  How can genuine happiness and excitement reside in the same space as envy, pity, self-absorption, jealousy, anger and fear?  The real answer....they can't.  I have to make a choice.  Which feelings will "win out".  I can't be led by my heart.  I have to lead it AND I have to renew my mind. with God's Word. 

So this week as I "keep the home fires burning" I'll fill my mind and heart with Truth and prepare myself for Nathan's arrival.  I will be genuinely happy for him as he tells of his adventures fishing, walking, diving, eating, driving and soaking up the sunshine.  Prayerfully as he asks me of my week I'll be able to gently relay to him the details of our "adventures" without sounding pitiful, jealous or needy.  I pray that I can get some cleaning done and make his "castle" worth coming home to and maybe, JUST maybe, we can all be awaiting his arrival peacefully, quietly and without argument. 

You know some day when I hear "well done my good and faithful servant" none of this will matter.  Until then, I'm a work in progress.  Sanctification isn't easy, but as my trainer says when I'm learning a new exercise and my muscles are burning and crying, begging me to stop, "Isn't that de-lish????", it's ooooohhhhh so good.  Have a blessed weekend.

Monday, March 19, 2012

So Much to be Thankful for

So today I am grateful for my birthday.  36 years of life I've been blessed with and so excited for another year.  This year I want to experience an abundant life as described in John 10:10.  This is going to be a year to dream, change, grow and become.  A chance to learn, embrace, release and discern.  37 is going to be an opportunity to lose and win, to commit, forgive and be forgiven, and laugh, love and LIVE!!!

My sweet LIFE group celebrated all of the March birthdays last night by having a cookout.  After a nice walk/jog/hike in Montreat I was greeted by the laughter and sounds of fellowship.  Literally at times my LIFE group has been my lifeline.  Sharing things with them over the last few months and years has been a joy.  Jan made a red velvet cake.  Yes I did have a little piece and a cup of coffee.  It was wonderful.  I think one of the most liberating  things along this journey is to know that food doesn't control me.  I control it!!!  I can CHOOSE whether or not to eat something.  That is a great feeling.

So I'm going to be surrounded by food today.  A birthday lunch, more cake (which tonight I will say "no" to) and of course dinner.  Today my choices might be a little harder, but that's ok.  I know if I stop, think, pray and ask for help I can make the RIGHT decision.  This is empowering.  Now I don't always get this right, but I make more right choices than wrong choices these days.  For THAT I'm so grateful. 

I'm at another stand still in my weight loss.  I keep going from 62-65 pounds down and back up and back down.  I've got to kick it up on the cardio and figure out what's going on food wise.  I'm praying for revelation and motivation to make it through these next few pounds.  I am nine pounds from the goal I had set for myself for this day.  I'm not gonna give up though, I'm just gonna work HARDER!!!

Also, I'm so thankful for my family.  My sister in law Nathalie was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago.  She has had the tumor removed, her lymph nodes were clean, but she starts chemo very soon. Praise God for early detection and a positive prognosis.  On May 12th prayerfully a large portion of our family will be participating in a 5K walk/run alongside Nathalie.  I think the older three kids are going to walk with her.  I think Tammy and myself will be jogging and Philip as well (although I'm sure I'll eat his dust).  It's gonna be a lot of fun and a gift that Nathalie will be healthy enough to do this event.  That's one of the best birthday gifts I could EVER have received.

Ok.  Enough of this.  I've got to get ready for lunch.  Have a GREAT day! 

Saturday, March 17, 2012

A Very Merry Unbirthday to Me

So my 37th birthday is Monday, March 19th.  I love birthdays and hate them all at the same time.  The IDEA of birthdays is romantic, wonderful, glorious.  The thought of being celebrated, showered with love and gifts and being able to focus on all of the things you've done/accomplished up to this point in your life and look forward to another year of blessings and life brings a smile to my face.  What I HATE about birthdays is they never quite turn out as planned.  Birthdays as a small child were wonderful.  My mom and dad did a super job celebrating.  It seemed though somewhere around 15 they got a little less than "stellar".  I've had some birthdays that were an "epic fail" and some that were wonderful since that time. 

Now, I'm fully aware that I shouldn't put so much emphasis on one day, one 24-hour period in my life and in the lives of others.  However, I almost feel trapped in my mindset.  This places Nathan in a prediciment.  He must feel pushed and forced to come up with the "perfect gift".  How unfair of me.  So....I'm hoping that Monday will come and go uneventfully and that I'll be ok with it :-).  That's me, being honest.  Doesn't always look so pretty, huh?  Oh's part of my sanctification journey.  Thanks for sharing.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Making Sense of it All

There has been a lot that has happened in our little community lately.  There is a local college that has had to lay off many staff and are downsizing programs.  This has directly affected many families and friends of ours.  There was a pretty severe incident at our local middle school.  A teacher and two administrators were directly involved, subsequently released or resigned and countless children and other staff are holding pain, stress and concern regarding these actions.  One of these administrators has been a personal friend since 1988.  A 14 year old high school freshman was killed in a car accident recently and her 5th grade riding companion was severely injured.  I knew the driver of the truck.  I am praying for her fervently.  The young girl was in Joseph's preschool class.  A reminder of the fragility of life.  I am filled with emotions of fear, concern, sadness, feelings of betrayal, confusion, doubt and maybe even a little bitterness.   

I'm trying to make sense of it all and sometimes it's harder than others.  I am grateful to serve a BIG God who is Sovereign and has it all under control.  I am learning valuable lessons daily to trust, wait and hope in Him. 

Friday, March 9, 2012

Praise God for Gift Cards

All I can say is "Praise God for gift cards".  Date night tonight is being brought to you courtesy of Mom and Dad Morgan and their Christmas gift of gift cards.  I think it will be dinner at Applebee's and coffee at Starbucks.  What a blessing because we have $0.12 in our Entertainment budget category until the 15th.  Isn't God good?!!!??  I also think a nice conversation at Barnes and Noble while looking at books will be fun.  We might be birthday shopping for Jesse and JoyAnn.  It's hard to believe they will be eight years old on the 21st of this month.  We had saved some money up for the birthday gifts/festivities. 

Making every moment count.  Making every penny count.  Making every bite count.  I'm learning to live in the moment and think consciously, thoughtfully, purposefully. Ok...enough of my ramblings.  I'm headed out the door with kids in tow to home school co-op.  Praise God for the freedom to home educate :-)

Have a great weekend,


Thursday, March 8, 2012

True Connection

So I have given up Facebook for the Lenten season.  I must admit that it sounds more simiple than it is.  It might even sound a little vain or silly to some.  However, for me it is a REAL sacrifice.  I don't use social media to network for jobs or to jockey for position.  I don't use it to meet people or to "hook up" as some people might.  I don't even use it to further my own agenda, promote myself or my "causes".  I use it to connect. 

I am a stay at home mom who home educates her older three and is currently potty training her two, two-year olds.  Even though I am not "talking" to these people I feel connected to them.  It also gives me a venue to be heard, validated and respected.  At least that's what  I FEEL is happening through my posts/communique on FB.  I must admit that I use it to see what people are doing in their lives.  Quite often I just "lurk" or "stalk" people.  I have placed to much value and enjoyment on finding out what other people are doing, thinking, experiencing.  It was as if I found my identity in living through these other people.  Seeing that I had received a message or a comment made me smile.  I was almost giddy.  Since I got my Android powered phone (Christmas 2010) I would check FB probably 20 times a day. 

So after I got over the initial shock of not being on FB constantly I have actually learned to like it.  I must admit that last night I got onto FB to check my messages because my sis-in-law was diagnosed with cancer last week and I knew that my brother was using FB as a venue to update everyone on her condition/surgery results etc.  I also had received an email from a friend that said she sent me a FB message.  So I checked it briefly but myself on "offline" status so I wouldn't be tempted to chat with people.  I also checked my page because someone had said they left some info for me there.  The entire deal lasted less than five minutes.  It was NICE.

I am prayerfully considering giving up FB alltogether.  I want connection, don't ge me WRONG.  I crave connection.  However, I'm finding it other ways these days.  I started a new exercise class on Wednesday nights.  It is small, but has some godly women that I am enjoying getting to commune with.  I am calling people more often.  I'm texting and sending emails.  I'm blogging again...YEAH.  I actually have written letters and helped my children write letters and thank you cards.  Since Ash Wednesday we've memorized a portion of Scripture that has challenged us all.  Face to face coffee talks with my husband at 5:30 am have left my heart filled and my "love tank" overflowing.  I've communed with God and myself as I have walked/hiked and run the trails in Montreat.  The quiet has touched me deeply.  Taking the time to write in my journal has forced me to view my life through the lens of reality and personal reflection, perception and honesty.  These past few days have been filled with integrity, honesty, connection and I've LOVED it!!!  I've had lunch with friends, dates with my husband, times of prayer and sharing.  It's been glorious.  As I've studied God's Word (specifically Hebrews 11) I've shared honestly with my Bible study/LIFE group.  What a joy to be connected to those people. 

Although Lent is a time of somber introspection and "giving up" things I feel as if I've gained MUCH more than I've given away.  I'm so blessed.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Feeling a Little Ignored?

So I'm sorry to have not blogged in so long.  I have been spending most of my time on my other blog My Journey From Fat to Fit.  Right now a lot of my time is being spent on this journey to health and wholeness.  If you haven't visited my other blog, please feel free to stop by and leave a comment.  I would appreciate it!

However, there is more to life than losing weight.  I miss my times here of sharing, being transparent and connecting.  Many of you who read this I know personally.  Many of you are nameless faces, but I am grateful that you stop by every now and then. 

I am going to commit to blog more, to share more, to be real.   Thanks as always for being patient with me.  I'm a work in progress.

So here's to a fabulous Spring.  It's right around the corner :-)