Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Is that all really necessary?

"Is that all really necessary?" the "nice lady" leaned over and asked me at the movie theater today.  No ma'am.  "It" as in Joseph's loud and inappropriate laughing isn't necessary.  I simply said "He has autism" and then she said not once, not twice, but three times "Well then no problem."  But yes madam...there is a problem.  There are MANY problems.  None of which I can fix and very few of them which I can even handle, deal with, or talk about without having emotional meltdown. 

I could type yet another blog entry about the difficulties of being a family with a child on the spectrum.  I won't bore you with my diatribe.  Perhaps I could use this little corner of cyberspace to vent my feelings, disappointments and heart breaks.  It really doesn't do the reader any good.  I simply am going to ponder the question...."Is that all really necessary?"

That IS the question.  Truthfully it's the question I've wanted to ask God and have pretended that I shouldn't, couldn't or didn't want to do so.  The issue is that I don't understand.  I say I do.  I say I trust.  I say there's got to be something good in it all and that there is a plan.  Yet my heart for years has ached so deeply that at times I physically couldn't breathe.  I even wrote on my prayer request card this past week a very personal request involving Joseph.  Since writing those words on that tiny piece of paper my heart has been challenged, stretched and wounded several times.  If I can't trust and rest in the unconditional love of my God how can I introduce Him to my children? 

I say that I want people to ask questions about Joseph instead of assuming, but I really don't want that.  Every time I have to answer them it is too painful.  I say that I wish we could live in a world where people with autism were understood and allowed to just live at peace, yet I am not living in peace.  The truth is I don't want a different world.  Most of the time I want a different life.  Several of the autism support sites have a saying "I wouldn't change you for the world, but I would change the world for you." I personally think that is hogwash.  If I could change Joseph I would in a heartbeat.  Day after day, after day of verbal abuse is truly taking it's toll on me.  Weariness has attached itself to my soul and I don't' know how many more tears I have.  I'm tired of wishing away, thinking about, giving mental time and attention to a life that isn't mine.  I just wish I knew how to live.  I wish I knew how to deeply, passionately and completely love my son JUST the way he is.  It is becoming more and more evident to me that he is incapable of change.  I'm tired of the years that I've wasted trying to change him and I ashamed, deeply ashamed for even trying.  His siblings are sad and it is a very difficult time for the Flint family.

The big pink elephant in the room..."Is that all really necessary?".  God, please hear the heart of a woman that's broken, a mother that's hurting and a daughter that believes but is begging you to help her unbelief.  Show me, somehow, someway, please let me know that this has a purpose.  Please help me to trust you that this life has a meaning.  Please, please, please teach me that the bigger picture is one full of color and beauty.  Help me to rest.  That's what I really want is just to rest and please give my boy a day, just one day, just a moment of clarity where he can see you, feel you, know you because if he can experience your presence then I will know that all of this was necessary.

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