Thursday, January 22, 2015

Gloriously Ruined

That was my prayer for 2014.  Those were the words that I had spoken and meditated upon.  What WAS I thinking? You wouldn't know about my 2014 because I didn't blog once.  Not ONCE on this blog.  There were posts on my other project, but here I was silent.  So...tonight I break the silence and am choosing to share with you a bit of last year and it's depth, breadth and scope.  

We moved to WA in March 2013 with dreams, goals and hopes.  In our 17 months there we learned a lot, met a lot of wonderful people and made some great memories.  We also were challenged beyond what I could have dreamed, faced thoughts, feelings and emotions that I wasn't prepared for and accrued more debt than we would have chosen.  Our family was stretched physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.  Although at the time I couldn't see it, but it is becoming clear to me that my prayer was being answered.  God was gloriously ruining me.  

I could go on and on and really expand but although it's MY story to share I don't want to hurt anyone or give more info than my hubby wants me to here are the bullet points.  You'll still be able to see why I say I'm being "ruined".

  • We accrued a pretty significant amount of debt in 17 months.
  • The church we went to be a part of and help start a Celebrate Recovery program...closed it's doors and merged with another faith family.  Although this ISN'T a bad thing it still brings a bit of sadness, disappointment and unmet expectation.
  • Such intense change affected our family in positive and negative ways.  Joseph's distress signals were flashing.  He began to run away regularly and became violent (verbally and physically aggressive).
  • Relationships at every level are in the process of being repaired and trust is being rebuilt. Basic emotional safety has been damaged due to many factors and it's a tough thing to fix.
  • Jesse withdrew emotionally and physically over the last year.  He was and is exhibiting symptoms of depression.
  • James and Jonathan are emotionally charged, a bit whiny and very aggressive towards each other.  They seem a bit too rough and I am concerned.  
  • JoyAnn took on a role that wasn't hers to embrace and she's tried too hard to grow up too quickly.  
  • We lived in two states in one year.  
  • We currently live in a rental (that is out of our price range) until August.  We really want to be back in our home.  
  • I had to give up a dream, a family goal of homeschooling our children.  The older three are all in public school.  Once again...hear me NOT bad, just different than planned.
  • Currently we are a part of an intensive, in-home intervention to avoid Joseph being removed from the home and to repair damaged relationships.  This involves individual, couples work, sibling to sibling and parent to child interactions. 2-3 2-hr. sessions per week.  It's good, but hard and exhausting.
  • My husband who is a fine singer (in my opinion) has lost his song.  He hasn't sung a note since July of last year.  
  • I'm home, but I'm not home.  Things don't seem to fit the way they did before and a general feeling of disconnect has caused quite a bit of emotional discomfort.
I could go on, but I think this covers most of it.  All of this discomfort, pain, unmet expectation, fear, doubt, anger, hurt,'s all part of God's plan. Being broken isn't punishment.  It's a gift really, and I'm seeing it. 

Recently I was introduced to a song by Bethel Music entitled "We Dance".  It is ministering to me in a deep and special way.  The fog of my anxiety, depression and state of being "stuck" has slowly been lifting and I was reminded of an experience I had in Sept. of last year. as I literally danced before my Savior in the stillness of the night in my living room in honor of the living and dying of Kara Tippetts at Mundane Faithfulness. It is an odd place to be when you feel like everything you've ever been is dead and gone and there is no purpose for you as a person and that your family is floundering, drowning and dangling from a cliff. Knowing the Sovereignty of God and trusting it are two different things. Yes, I'm different. My season has changed. My old dreams have faded, and I'm learning again to sing, to live, to love, to partner with a man that is different than he has been for the last 19 years, to see, really see EACH of my five children and my plans for home schooling, parenting, home making have been forced to change. It's all scary. It's all uncomfortable. It's GOD'S Hands AND he's holding me...leading me, whispering to me as WE DANCE!!! Be blessed today and thank you for praying for this fledgling songbird. I can hear the the distance and it won't be long until I'm the one singing. 

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