Ok. I've had a ROTTEN attitude lately. I've been negative, resentful and downright moody. Depression has been a gray cloud over me the last few weeks and months. I have literally come to the end of myself. It's been humbling and overwhelming. I have been forced to really stop and take a look at who I am, WHERE I am and what I have in my possession to use/honor/take care of in my life.
A friend of mine lovingly reminded me that fighting with where I am in life is going to make things difficult (thanks Jennifer). She also reminded me that God's will is perfect and I should just REST in the arms of my Savior. Sounds easier than it is (at least for me). I mean I had approximately 32 weeks to grasp the concept that I was going to be the mother of five children. James and Jonathan have been with us for almost one year!!! WOW how time flies. Joseph has had a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder since he was four years old. Nathan and I have been married for 15 years. See how things should have settled into place by now? Well I tell you honestly I HAVE NOT settled into my life. I have been waiting for something different. I have been expecting something else. I have been resentful and ungrateful. I have taken my life, my family, my relationships, my God for granted.
I have repented and asked God to forgive me. I am making a serious effort to travel a new path toward health, wholeness and freedom (see my other blog at http://www.flintfat2fitbyfaith.blogspot.com/). I am working on my "attitude of gratitude" and trying to live simply and honestly.
So.....HERE I AM
1. Child of God-I should spend more time with Him and in His Word, but I am so blessed to know that my eternal life AND my true identity rest SAFELY in His arms.
2. Wife- Nathan Roy Flint is my beloved. He is my best friend, confidante, supporter, lover, husband, provider, and father to my AMAZING five children.
3. Daughter- James and Brenda Morgan have loved me for 35 years now in the best and only way they have known. I have been so blessed to have them as my parents. They have been supportive, trusting, encouraging, helpful and fun. They brought me to Christ by their loving, godly example. I will be forever grateful for them.
4. Sister- Greg, Philip and Tyler love me unconditionally. They are funny, smart, handsome and loving. I am glad to be their sister.
5. Friend- Over the course of my life I have been fortunate to have made some dear friends. These people have carried me through some difficult times. I am blessed to still have most of these people in my life. I am sad to have lost the friendship of some, but for those who have stuck around I will be forever grateful.
6. Mother- I have five kids. Yes five. I have a child with autism. I have two sets of twins. I am overwhelmed most days. They are all different. They are all wonderful. Yes I'm busy. Life will never be what I imagined or thought it would be, BUT it can be BETTER. I think this has been the hardest part of my life to reconcile. Even though I wanted to and have chosen to be a SAHM I struggle with this the most. I don't feel as if I am a good enough mother. I am not a good enough house maker/housekeeper. I feel as if I am doing my kids a disservice by homeschooling them. Notice these last statements had I, I, I. Noticed they were based on feelings. Other people have been very supportive and honest about my kids, my house, my life. I am still working on seeing my "mother" side through God's eyes. I am blessed, just a little confused sometimes :-)
7. Overweight-Ok here I go again being honest. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell me that. I have been fat most of my life. However, I don't want to be fat anymore. Yes I've said that before. Yes I've tried to and successfully lost weight in the past. This time is different though. I WILL succeed with God's help and the accountability of my friends and family. I am taking responsibility for and ownership for my actions/behaviors. I am taking responsibility for MAKING changes.
8. Musician-I am able to play the piano fairly well. I can play the flute and I am able to sing. Granted I need to practice ALL of these instruments more, but to have the ability to sing/play is something I am TRULY thankful for daily.
9. A Woman-This is something I am rediscovering. Sounds silly I know, but because of my weight issues and insecurity I have not wanted to really be aware of my femininity. I am learning that it IS ok for me to own nice things and to wear them. I am learning that sweat pants year round aren't very attractive (hahahahaha). I am learning that really clothes that fit are MUCH more flattering. I am learning that modest and fashionable CAN happen simultaneously and I shouldn't wait to be "girly" until I've lost all my weight/reached certain goals.
10. A Life Long Learner- I have LOTS to learn and I want to do so. I want to learn about healthy eating. I want to train to run a 5K. I want to learn more in all subject areas that I teach to the children. I want to intensely study God's Word and memorize it. I want to take a cooking class. A sewing class would be fun. Learning another language would be rewarding. I am ABLE to learn and I don't want to take it for granted ANY longer.
Well I know this post has been long, but its been for me. Thanks as always for stopping by and leaving me some encouragement.
Gratefully yours,
Janelle LeAnne Morgan Flint
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