So now here we are on December 20th. I have had my epiphany and I'm headed to work at the station. I still am trying to process all that had just happened, but I was excited to go to work. I love Christmas music and so in between my breaks I would listen to new songs I hadn't heard before. This particular day one stood out to me from MercyMe entitled "Joseph's Lullaby".
In a studio at 106.9 the Light, Christmas came to me. In a moment I was reminded in the most meaningful way that Emmanuel came as a baby. A smelly, dirty, helpless baby and he had a Daddy who simply wanted the best for him. Joseph wanted his son to rest and be comfortable. God limited himself in the form of an infant. He loved ME enough to be FULLY GOD AND FULLY MAN. I don't claim to understand it, but I felt it..all the mystery, majesty and glory of Emmanuel in that moment, in that studio. It was a miracle. Two in one day...WOW! I'm a blessed woman.
Oh then there's the other REALLY cool stuff like a pair of shoes that I prayed for being given to me by a woman who didn't even know I needed shoes. She just felt impressed to buy me a pair. I specifically prayed for a black pair of dress shoes. How cool is that? Then there was a surprise check for $200 from an anonymous giver at our church. Also God provided the way for us to get gifts for all the children, and we shared Christmas dinner with some very dear friends of ours. How could I forget the children's Christmas musical that ALL three of my children participated in and did an AMAZING job. This was truly a Christmas of miracles. JoyAnn needed a coat. I told a friend of mine who owns an ebay based business. She sent a coat to JoyAnn via her husband at a church meeting. My mother had found a coat on sale at Wal-Mart for $10 and then there is the "angel" coat, This one was delivered to our front porch by a woman I've NEVER seen before. She said are you JoyAnn I said "no, but she is". My baby girl opened up a BRAND NEW winter coat from her "angel". She said it came to her from her Nannie who is in heaven. 3 days, 3 coats. One is big enough for her to wear this year AND next. I was reminded over, and over, and over of Emmanuel's presence. I pray I carry this miracle with me in my heart EVERY day this year.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, January 8, 2009
My Christmas Miracle (A Little Late)- Part 1
First of all I apologize that this post is "late". However, I simply haven't taken the time to process it all properly. I do so pray though that whomever is reading is encouraged and blessed as I was. It will be lengthy but I pray worth the read :-).
As Thanksgiving came and went I was made aware that the Advent season was once again upon us. This year our family celebrated in our home the "advent" of Christ. It was a glorious time. I also was in prayer about how to best bring Advent to my group at CR. God kept impressing upon me the simplicity and majesty of "Emmanuel". So for several weeks our songs of worship were centered around the name, glory and mystery of EMMANUEL.
Please don't get me wrong, I was lead by God to choose the songs I did. I meant them when I sang them. They ministered to me, but somewhere in the middle of all of the Christmas season I just didn't "feel" Christmas. I knew that Emmanuel had come for me but I wasn't feeling him with me. I do so understand that I "walk by faith and not by sight". I understand that my faith is more than feelings, but I do so love the embrace of my Savior. I was desperate, sad and sinking into a depression.
I attended a party on December 13th. Something happened deep within me that night. It was the breaking loose of something that has had a hold on me for several years. The next day my children were involved in the choir musical at church. They did a fabulous job (even if I say so myself) and so did the choir. It was a glorious Sunday. However, still no "warm fuzzy" for which I had been waiting.
The following Tuesday found me frantic and frenzied. I was desperately wanting to connect with someone. (Here is where I get REALLY vulnerable and honest)... I struggle with approval addiction. I have to know that I am loved, and that people like me. I want to know at the deepest level that I bring joy to people. I need to be needed. So I do what I always do in this situation. I ran to the Lord and poured my heart out. Oh, how I wish that were true. However my desire for honesty prevents me from misleading you. What a I did in typical Janelle codependent fashion is to call someone. A person that I felt compelled to talk to at that moment. The phone call didn't go as I would have liked. I realized that I was on the verge of something miraculous, but I also felt one breath away from insanity. I honestly didn't know which end of the spectrum on which I would land.
By Friday I had decided that I would probably need to contact my care provider and once again return to the world of antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication. I also had decided that this would be one of the worst Christmas' of my life. I went to bed with a heavy heart feeling quite sorry for myself, confused, unloved and scared. This is where the miracle comes in (thanks for sticking around)....
In the wee hours of Saturday morning a miracle happened. To some it might be mistaken for acid reflux but I know it was an epiphany. The Lord began to heal me of three+ years of depression, anxiety, bitterness, disappointment, fear and more. I was able to emotionally and metaphorically release some people/relationships in my life that had been weighing me down. I practiced or rehearsed in my mind speaking with them. Sharing with them the truth in love, and letting them know what they had meant to me. I was able to forgive them AND be forgiven by them. I was able to take one more step to wholeness. Call it sub-conscious coming to the conscious. Call it inner healing. Call it wishful thinking. You can call it whatever you want. I think it was all of that AND more. I woke up with such a feeling of deep and complete peace. Emmanuel had visited me and reminded me in my dreams that He came for me and for all mankind. Especially when we hurt ourselves or others. It was beautiful. It was an experience I will NEVER forget.
There is more, but that is for another post.
As Thanksgiving came and went I was made aware that the Advent season was once again upon us. This year our family celebrated in our home the "advent" of Christ. It was a glorious time. I also was in prayer about how to best bring Advent to my group at CR. God kept impressing upon me the simplicity and majesty of "Emmanuel". So for several weeks our songs of worship were centered around the name, glory and mystery of EMMANUEL.
Please don't get me wrong, I was lead by God to choose the songs I did. I meant them when I sang them. They ministered to me, but somewhere in the middle of all of the Christmas season I just didn't "feel" Christmas. I knew that Emmanuel had come for me but I wasn't feeling him with me. I do so understand that I "walk by faith and not by sight". I understand that my faith is more than feelings, but I do so love the embrace of my Savior. I was desperate, sad and sinking into a depression.
I attended a party on December 13th. Something happened deep within me that night. It was the breaking loose of something that has had a hold on me for several years. The next day my children were involved in the choir musical at church. They did a fabulous job (even if I say so myself) and so did the choir. It was a glorious Sunday. However, still no "warm fuzzy" for which I had been waiting.
The following Tuesday found me frantic and frenzied. I was desperately wanting to connect with someone. (Here is where I get REALLY vulnerable and honest)... I struggle with approval addiction. I have to know that I am loved, and that people like me. I want to know at the deepest level that I bring joy to people. I need to be needed. So I do what I always do in this situation. I ran to the Lord and poured my heart out. Oh, how I wish that were true. However my desire for honesty prevents me from misleading you. What a I did in typical Janelle codependent fashion is to call someone. A person that I felt compelled to talk to at that moment. The phone call didn't go as I would have liked. I realized that I was on the verge of something miraculous, but I also felt one breath away from insanity. I honestly didn't know which end of the spectrum on which I would land.
By Friday I had decided that I would probably need to contact my care provider and once again return to the world of antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication. I also had decided that this would be one of the worst Christmas' of my life. I went to bed with a heavy heart feeling quite sorry for myself, confused, unloved and scared. This is where the miracle comes in (thanks for sticking around)....
In the wee hours of Saturday morning a miracle happened. To some it might be mistaken for acid reflux but I know it was an epiphany. The Lord began to heal me of three+ years of depression, anxiety, bitterness, disappointment, fear and more. I was able to emotionally and metaphorically release some people/relationships in my life that had been weighing me down. I practiced or rehearsed in my mind speaking with them. Sharing with them the truth in love, and letting them know what they had meant to me. I was able to forgive them AND be forgiven by them. I was able to take one more step to wholeness. Call it sub-conscious coming to the conscious. Call it inner healing. Call it wishful thinking. You can call it whatever you want. I think it was all of that AND more. I woke up with such a feeling of deep and complete peace. Emmanuel had visited me and reminded me in my dreams that He came for me and for all mankind. Especially when we hurt ourselves or others. It was beautiful. It was an experience I will NEVER forget.
There is more, but that is for another post.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
OVER IT!!!
So, I've decided that being depressed, overwhelmed, afraid, sad and tired SUCKS. So as of 9:48 am (official Janelle time) I am OVER IT!!! HAHAHA!
I know that ONLY Christ really can do a deep work within my heart and soul. I do know however that his word says in Phil. 4:8-9 (the Message) "Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. "
I do know that I can do my part by allowing Christ to work in me. I can focus on His word, His truth, His goodness. I can change some of the external things of my life, but He has to work out transformation in me by His Spirit! I have a list of things I am doing to work toward the "perfected life", but in the meantime "I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back." (The Message Phil. 2:12-14)
Here's to a Gloriously difficult day! Be encouraged, I know I am!!!
Saturday, September 22, 2007
The Desert of Depression
So, I usually write about "happy" things. I write about life and my ups and downs but I try not to get too bogged down in the "downs". However, today I must write about what I am going through. More accurately, what our FAMILY is going through.
Nathan has been suffering from severe, debilitating depression since late February/ early March of 2006. I won't go into the cause of the depression. That isn't necessarily for public eyes. However, I can tell you that it wasn't just one episode that spurred it on for him. It was a lifetime of hurts, disappointments that happened to be drawn to the surface by a particular hurt from a particular individual.
Needless to say, Nathan has not recovered. This tailspin, this downward spiral has been dramatic, traumatic, and completely devestating. Our entire family is affected. The children know that daddy doesn't feel well. He usually is in bed. He can't come places with us. He seems sad. I know that my husband is emotionally unavailable, and probably going to go yet another day without engaging in life, much less engaging me in conversation.
It's awful, it's sad, it's horrible....for NATHAN, for us, for all who love us. I am angry. I am sad. I am hurt. I am lost, and so is NATHAN, our kids and our friends. I am resentful. I want my husband back. I want my best friend back. I want my lover back. I want him to be whole, healed and at peace with God, others and most importanly HIMSELF.
If you are reading this and you believe in God and prayer. Pray for Nathan. Pray for me. Pray for our family and for anyone struggling with depression.
Overwhelmed,
Janelle
Nathan has been suffering from severe, debilitating depression since late February/ early March of 2006. I won't go into the cause of the depression. That isn't necessarily for public eyes. However, I can tell you that it wasn't just one episode that spurred it on for him. It was a lifetime of hurts, disappointments that happened to be drawn to the surface by a particular hurt from a particular individual.
Needless to say, Nathan has not recovered. This tailspin, this downward spiral has been dramatic, traumatic, and completely devestating. Our entire family is affected. The children know that daddy doesn't feel well. He usually is in bed. He can't come places with us. He seems sad. I know that my husband is emotionally unavailable, and probably going to go yet another day without engaging in life, much less engaging me in conversation.
It's awful, it's sad, it's horrible....for NATHAN, for us, for all who love us. I am angry. I am sad. I am hurt. I am lost, and so is NATHAN, our kids and our friends. I am resentful. I want my husband back. I want my best friend back. I want my lover back. I want him to be whole, healed and at peace with God, others and most importanly HIMSELF.
If you are reading this and you believe in God and prayer. Pray for Nathan. Pray for me. Pray for our family and for anyone struggling with depression.
Overwhelmed,
Janelle
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