Thursday, January 8, 2009

My Christmas Miracle (A Little Late)- Part 1

First of all I apologize that this post is "late". However, I simply haven't taken the time to process it all properly. I do so pray though that whomever is reading is encouraged and blessed as I was. It will be lengthy but I pray worth the read :-).

As Thanksgiving came and went I was made aware that the Advent season was once again upon us. This year our family celebrated in our home the "advent" of Christ. It was a glorious time. I also was in prayer about how to best bring Advent to my group at CR. God kept impressing upon me the simplicity and majesty of "Emmanuel". So for several weeks our songs of worship were centered around the name, glory and mystery of EMMANUEL.

Please don't get me wrong, I was lead by God to choose the songs I did. I meant them when I sang them. They ministered to me, but somewhere in the middle of all of the Christmas season I just didn't "feel" Christmas. I knew that Emmanuel had come for me but I wasn't feeling him with me. I do so understand that I "walk by faith and not by sight". I understand that my faith is more than feelings, but I do so love the embrace of my Savior. I was desperate, sad and sinking into a depression.

I attended a party on December 13th. Something happened deep within me that night. It was the breaking loose of something that has had a hold on me for several years. The next day my children were involved in the choir musical at church. They did a fabulous job (even if I say so myself) and so did the choir. It was a glorious Sunday. However, still no "warm fuzzy" for which I had been waiting.

The following Tuesday found me frantic and frenzied. I was desperately wanting to connect with someone. (Here is where I get REALLY vulnerable and honest)... I struggle with approval addiction. I have to know that I am loved, and that people like me. I want to know at the deepest level that I bring joy to people. I need to be needed. So I do what I always do in this situation. I ran to the Lord and poured my heart out. Oh, how I wish that were true. However my desire for honesty prevents me from misleading you. What a I did in typical Janelle codependent fashion is to call someone. A person that I felt compelled to talk to at that moment. The phone call didn't go as I would have liked. I realized that I was on the verge of something miraculous, but I also felt one breath away from insanity. I honestly didn't know which end of the spectrum on which I would land.

By Friday I had decided that I would probably need to contact my care provider and once again return to the world of antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication. I also had decided that this would be one of the worst Christmas' of my life. I went to bed with a heavy heart feeling quite sorry for myself, confused, unloved and scared. This is where the miracle comes in (thanks for sticking around)....

In the wee hours of Saturday morning a miracle happened. To some it might be mistaken for acid reflux but I know it was an epiphany. The Lord began to heal me of three+ years of depression, anxiety, bitterness, disappointment, fear and more. I was able to emotionally and metaphorically release some people/relationships in my life that had been weighing me down. I practiced or rehearsed in my mind speaking with them. Sharing with them the truth in love, and letting them know what they had meant to me. I was able to forgive them AND be forgiven by them. I was able to take one more step to wholeness. Call it sub-conscious coming to the conscious. Call it inner healing. Call it wishful thinking. You can call it whatever you want. I think it was all of that AND more. I woke up with such a feeling of deep and complete peace. Emmanuel had visited me and reminded me in my dreams that He came for me and for all mankind. Especially when we hurt ourselves or others. It was beautiful. It was an experience I will NEVER forget.

There is more, but that is for another post.

1 comment:

Wendy said...

This post has totally blessed me! I am finding it hard to even focus to type this because of my tears! To know that someone else has the feelings that you have is such a great comfort! Thanks so much for sharing this!