Fog

So I feel as if I am shrouded by a thick fog. I can't seem to get free. My mind is unclear. My feelings are conflicted. My heart aches with a deep and painful sense of longing. I am anxious and overwhelmed quite often. I feel lost. If I could just find my way out of this fog...

How do you spell "No"?

Do you remember that old Rolaids commercial? The one where the man says "How do you spell relief? R-O-L-A-I-D-S"

Well how do I spell "no"? Believe me, this sounds easy. However I have more trouble saying this two letter word than ANY other word in the English language.

I spell no this way: "sure I can do that","yes I'm available", "I would love to help you", "It will be tough but I'm sure I can squeeze it in", "thanks for thinking of me", "I'm honored you asked", "maybe", "I'll check on it", "it shouldn't be a problem", "let me get back to you", "yes", "sure", "absolutely", "how soon do you need that"....do you catch my drift?

I can't say no. I absolutely cannot say it. I'm like "Fonzie" was when trying to say "I'm sorry". I am paralyzed with fear, doubt and guilt everytime I try to say no. It's a sickness I tell you, but it is one that I'm working on overcoming. I HATE being a people pleaser. I HATE being someone's "yes man" and I HATE feeling afraid, anxious, guilty, sad and stressed the majority of my life.

Enough said....I'm exhausted!

A State of Being

For as long as I can remember I've been something....

~Jim and Brenda's daughter...

~Philip or Greg's sister

~The flute player

~Drum Major

~A wife

~A mother

~The singer

~The choir director

~The praise and worship leader

~The one who makes everyone laugh

You see the point....It's always that I've been something. Now I'm certainly NOT implying that this is an outside expectation solely. I know that I have become defined by WHAT I am instead of WHO I am. It's a trap that us people pleasers fall into quite often. However, this train HAS to stop. If it doesn't stop here I'm afraid it's going to crash. So, I'm goint to stop being something and just start BEING! What is that going to look like? I'm not sure. What is that going to feel like? I really don't know, but I just want to be Janelle. I just want to relax. I want to live life instead of just letting life happen TO me or around me. I want to engage mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically in the process, the journey of life.

This means embracing the reality of who I am, who I was and who I might become. It also means embracing the reality of who I'll NEVER be and coming to grips with that. Reality also means knowing that my situation cannot change instantly and making plans for changes. It means a paradigm shift in almost all areas of my life. My thinking, my eating, my activity level, our financial picture....and other things.

So, here's to a new day. A new opportunity. I praise God that "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)