Tug-o-War

Do you remember playing tug of war as children in elementary school?

I often wondered why we played that game? It wasn't about fair team competition. It was about winning. It was about fighting. It was about conquering. However, oddly enough the best way to win was for everyone on one side to LET GO of the rope.

I am at a point in my life where I need to LET GO of the rope. My life is unmanageable. God and I have been tugging about some areas in my life. I need to just let the rope go! Not so God will fall on his butt (ha!ha!) but so I can be free from striving and able to grab the LIFE rope that God has thrown me!

I made a list last night of all the things that I liked about myself in high school/college. I made a list of the things I like about myself now. I made a list of the things I don't like about myself now. Things I'm still tugging with and things I'm ready to let go of so I can MOVE ON!!! I think this rope burn needs to heal!!! This woman is TIRED! I'm tired of tugging...

I can see myself relfected in my children. My oldest struggles with holding onto the rope too tightly as well. I often think how silly Joseph is being, but then I realize he is a lot like me! Joseph doesn't realize that he would be so much better off if he would just stop struggling. Yet, watching him makes me think of how I strive and struggle with God. Parents really do know best most of the time! God is the ultimate parent! He knows what's best for me and ALL of his kids ALL of the time.

Pray for me and for my son that we will learn the lessons God has for us. That we would enjoy life. That we would enjoy EACH OTHER! That we would stop playing this silly game of tug-of-war!!!

Have a blessed day!

Growing Pains

So as I'm growing daily in my faith, I am being reminded that the RIGHT thing is more often than not the HARD thing. Seeking God's face, knowing His will for decisions large and small is a moment by moment process. Nathan and I have been through so much in the last few months. My prayer is that of Psalm 119:133 "Guide my steps by your word, so I will not be overcome by evil." (NLT) I have been spending more time in God's word looking for HIS guidance on decisions, and not spending time and energy worrying/fretting about what I think is right or more importantly what I think others think is right. We are making the hard decisions, the right decisions for OUR family. I am not in any way implying they are the RIGHT decisions for everyone or anyone else. However, I am simply writing this blog to give God the credit for guiding the Flint family through the tough waters of life and praising Him for the exciting life to come. Isaiah 43:2 (NLT) "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." Praise God for His grace!

A State of Being

For as long as I can remember I've been something....

~Jim and Brenda's daughter...

~Philip or Greg's sister

~The flute player

~Drum Major

~A wife

~A mother

~The singer

~The choir director

~The praise and worship leader

~The one who makes everyone laugh

You see the point....It's always that I've been something. Now I'm certainly NOT implying that this is an outside expectation solely. I know that I have become defined by WHAT I am instead of WHO I am. It's a trap that us people pleasers fall into quite often. However, this train HAS to stop. If it doesn't stop here I'm afraid it's going to crash. So, I'm goint to stop being something and just start BEING! What is that going to look like? I'm not sure. What is that going to feel like? I really don't know, but I just want to be Janelle. I just want to relax. I want to live life instead of just letting life happen TO me or around me. I want to engage mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically in the process, the journey of life.

This means embracing the reality of who I am, who I was and who I might become. It also means embracing the reality of who I'll NEVER be and coming to grips with that. Reality also means knowing that my situation cannot change instantly and making plans for changes. It means a paradigm shift in almost all areas of my life. My thinking, my eating, my activity level, our financial picture....and other things.

So, here's to a new day. A new opportunity. I praise God that "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Life

So it's been a few weeks since I've posted anything here. Let me catch you up on our life.

Nathan tried the trucking thing, and as clearly as God lead him to Charlotte, he lead him HOME. After one week of successful training Nathan knew the life of a trucker was not for him. I praise God for directing his path (Prov. 3:5-6) and for sending him home to us.

The story doesn't end there though. It simply starts there. God's favor was showered upon us in other ways. God held the waters back and prohibited the Cove from hiring anyone for Nathan's position. He was able to get his job back at the Cove and it truly was as if he never left.

However, in our lives is was VERY obvious he left. I went through such emotional and spiritual awakenings to prepare my heart and mind for him to be gone that I was quite shocked at how I felt when he came home. I truly am in a different mindset, a different place then when he left. I am excited though because his return home is a second chance, a new start for all of us. For Nathan he gets to continue his faith journey and ministry at the Cove. He also is continuing to grow in music ministry. For me it is another chance to love him unconditionally and fully while growing as an individual. I am GLAD he's home but I am working on not being the smothering, overly needy and sensitive wife I was before he left. It's hard to admit, but there is power in confession.

So the kids are good. I am good. The storage shed is complete and the porch should be clear before long. We are moving along. It is a farily calm time for us right now. Keep praying.

In Him,
Janelle

It's My Time to Play

Ever feel like you are a bench warmer? Like the game of life is going on and you are waiting for the chance to play? Maybe I haven't been able to play in the game because I've been too busy holding onto things from the past. Maybe I haven't been "called into the game" because I still have had some lessons to learn on this bench. My God is gracious and I know now that he has more in store for me. He wants me to play this game and to enjoy it. He has given me wonderful team mates and a great court to play on. I need to lay some stuff down so that I can pick up the ball and take my shot!

Here's a song by Jaci V. called "Lay it Down". It has ministered to me..Hope you enjoy it and here's to playing the game with gusto.

"Lay it Down"

I’ve been looking ‘til my eyes are tired of looking
Listening ‘til my ears are numb from listening
Praying ‘til my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I’m running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don’t think that I can carry
The burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

Chorus
So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go
I’m gonna lay it down

I’ve been walking through this world like I’m barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I’ve been digging
But You’re pulling me out and I’m finally breathing
In the open air

This room may be dark but I’m finally seeing
There’s a new ray of hope and now I’m believing
That the past is the past and the future’s beginning to look brighter now

‘Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

Chorus
So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go
I’m gonna lay it down

Kyrie Eleison

So..today is one of those days where I wonder why I'm even here! I know that God has some purpose for me. No, I haven't finished the "Purpose Driven Life" (I'm embarassed to say), but I still know that God has some reason for me to be here! However, I just feel like I'm taking up space. Like I'm breathing someone elses air. What good am I doing? I'm not using the degree I will be paying for until I'm like 59!! I just clean up messes and stop fights all day. I don't even cook real meals. If it doesn't come out of a bag or a box you usually don't find it at my house!! .
Blah, blah, blah...I know what a WHINER. I have a good life. I am blessed to stay home with my kids. I am blessed to have a husband who loves me. I am blessed to still be married. I'm blessed to live in NC. So..what's your stinkin deal you ask? Who knows honestly... I just lately have been feeling like there is so much more I was meant to be in life. There seems to be so much more I could do, so much more I could be, so much more left undiscovered. I just want to live life to the fullest. Really I don't want to be rich, I don't want to be a princess. I don't want to be famous. I don't want to live in a castle or drive a really expensive car. I just want to ENJOY life. I want to live it to the fullest. I want to experience ALL that I was created to be, to have, to love, to live. Is that too much to ask?
Here is an old song from the 80's (go figure) by Mr. Mister. It has been recently remade by March Schultz and we have played it on 106.9 WMIT. Thought is was appropriate..



Kyrie Eleison...
The wind blows hard against this mountainside.
Across the sea into my soul.
It reaches in to where I cannot hide.
Setting my feet upon the road.
My heart is old it holds my memories.
This heart it burns a gem like flame.
Somewhere between the soul and soft machine.
Is where I find myself again


Chorus:
Kyrie Eleison down the road that I must travel.
Kyrie Eleison through the darkness of the night.
Kyrie Eleison where I'm going will you follow?
Kyrie Eleison on a highway in the light.


When I was young I dreamed of growing old.
Of what my life would mean to me.
Would I have traveled down my chosen road?

Or only wish that I could be....


(Repeat Chorus)


I don't wanna look back at my life and say..what was that. I don't wanna look back and say "I'm sorry God that I didn't do what you called me to do" or that "I ask you to forgive me for wasting my life".
So, how do you live in the moment? How do you embrace life for all that it is? So..here I stand..waiting

Pieces of My Heart

I was spurred on to blog after reading a post on a forum that I participate in for alumni of my high school. It dealt with an apology someone gave for an event that happened a year ago. It greatly affected (or is it effected I'm not good at grammar) both of them. The odd part to me was not the apology, nor even the way it was done. What struck me was the comment " you deserve the piece of my heart you still have". That got me to thinking...Who has pieces of my heart?

I guess what I'm trying to say is...if I've given pieces of my heart away to people then how much do I have left for God? For my husband? For my kids? For my friends? Is having a "divided heart" a good thing? Don't get me wrong. I think it's important to share openly, honestly, authentically with those you are in relationship with in this life. I'm not saying that you shouldn't invest yourself in a relationship. I guess what I'm saying is..be careful whom you give your heart to and how much you invest in a relationship. (I'm preaching to myself. Mainly just thinking out loud).

I just want to be real, authentic and open with myself. I want to live in the moment. I want to give all that I am and all that I have to my Lord and to my love! I am blessed to have Nathan and my children. I am blessed to have the friends in my life that I have. I don't want to think about the coulda, shoulda, wouldas anymore. I want to leave those pieces of my heart (those gifts) where they belong. With those people. If I've given it away then it's not mine any longer, huh?

I don't regret sharing my heart with anyone. I just regret feeling like once I've shared a part of me, if that part is lost, it's really lost. Love is never really lost. If I have given myself in a genuine, real, authentic way then that love will never die. So, for those of you to whom I've shared myself. Thank you for receiving my gift. Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you for loving me in return.

To those that I'm still giving my heart to...continue to be patient with me as I learn to love without abandon. I am learning to love without judgement and concern. I am learning how to love myself so I can love you better. Thanks for not dividing my heart but making it fuller, larger, better.