Thursday, March 12, 2009
To My Son Joseph
Today was one of those days.
I don't know how to love you adequately. I don't have enough patience, insight and wisdom to love you properly. I am frustrated. My heart pains at your dilemma to try and communicate "properly" in this crazy, fast-paced mixed up world of ours. You don't really live in this world though. Quite often I watch you as you are somewhere else. I wonder what you think of, and whom you talk to in your deepest thoughts. What are your dreams? Will they come true?
My dreams for you. I am embarassed and ashamed to say that honestly most of my dreams for you are tainted. I struggle with pride and expectations. I want so much for you, but I want so much for me too. My unmet expectations often fall on the cusp of resentment. How harsh that must sound. I am not resentful to be your mother. I am resentful that I have too high expectations for you. I am sad that I have expectations AT ALL. I wish that I could just LOVE you. Unconditionally, completely, all the time!!!
Forgive me for not being able to understand you. I have pushed you to be something you are not and were never created to be my son. I have been harsh and cruel. I haven't always been gentle and loving. I pray that due to my ignorance, pain and sadness I haven't broken the very Spirit that lives within you.
You are God's best for me Joseph. You are not a plan B. You were designed by the Master. That includes autism, sensory issues, and severe speech delays. Forgive me for hanging onto the past, a dream of what "could have" or what "should have" been. You are mine, and I vow from this day on to love you more deeply, more patiently, more intently.
I pray that I can somehow communicate to you my love, but more importantly God's love. The most important thing in this world is to know Jesus. If I can show you Jesus, than I haven't failed you.
You are in your bedroom right now crying yourself to sleep. It's been that kind of day. You are striving within your own head and heart to justify, rationalize and understand what is happening. I have blown it today. You have blown it today. But praise God that tomorrow morning His mercies are NEW!!! Let's enjoy our new day, and the one to follow, and the next, and the next.....
You are my #1 and forever will be my chocolate-eyed boy.
A Poem Written for You in 2006
Oh my precious little man
How can I help you understand
That Jesus feels your pain and fear
And that His love is always near
It sems that you have much to say
Oh that I could find a way
To help you let your joy shine through
So all the word could learn from you
Dark chocolate eyes that shine with wonder
Yet deep inside a distant thunder
Rumblings of a deeper kind
Oh how I long to ease your mind
Sometimes in life things will be tough
And being you will seem so rough
And yet the forming of your life takes place
In the valley of God's grace
My little man I wish I knew
What our great God has in store for you
But I know for sure His plan are good
And things are happening as they should
A time of molding, breaking, bending
Forming, healing, sculpting, mending
To shape you into the kind of boy
That shares with others a heavenly joy
They want to put on you a label
And yet I know that they're not able
To explain what's deep inside of you
The gentle spirit sweet and true
A love that's deeper than most will know
A kindness few will ever show
Dreams so grand and full of fun
You are my precious firstborn son
And though my spirit is tired and broken
No words of regret will ever be spoken
For you are precious, a gift from above
Sent to me as a display of God's love!