Haunted

So today I've literally felt haunted by memories.  Haunted by pictures, dreams and verbal reminders of past failures and disappointments.  I had a series of disturbing dreams last night featuring people from my past.  I was unloving toward my children today and found myself yelling more than I should.  Joseph randomly reminded me, in specific detail, of an episode where I had "blown it" as a parent.  I did not do something very important that Nathan asked me to, and I wasn't as careful with Jonathan as I should have been while getting him dressed for bed and he slipped and hurt his chin. 

I feel condemned.  I feel haunted and unable to shake this feeling of not being what I should be/could be or was meant to be.  My mind plays tricks on me.  Feelings dominate me.  The struggle to separate reality and emotion is real tonight.  Expectations have been set and grossly missed by me and I have been let down by far too many people.  The scales have tipped in the wrong direction and tonight it feels hopeless to ever set them back in balance.  Forgiveness is a powerful thing.  Oh how I need the Spirit's strength to allow Christ to forgive through me.  I wish I didn't have these memories.  My mind begs me to focus on the positive.  Why is it that the scum always rises to the top of the pond?  Can't I remember happy days? 

Tired of being afraid.  Tired of looking over my shoulder.  Desperately wanting to be FREE from this weight.  Such depth of pain.  An intense amount of sadness.  A feeling of loss for what was and what will never be.

I feel as if the ghost of my past and the unmet expectations of my life will ever be present.  I pray that I can reconcile them someday. 

Dreams and Goals

So today is the kind of day when I feel flooded with dreams, plans, desires and creativity. Unfortunately most days like this are also hindered by the fact that I don't have the time, energy or proper outlets to fulfill these plans, dreams etc.

The ONLY point of this entry is to remind myself that I still can dream. I still am able to create and be spontaneous. I want to read this entry months from now and remember that I am smart, funny, witty and talented. I just can't always show it in outward ways right now.

So much I want to do. So much I dream to do. So much I can do...just not now ;-)

Dreaming Big....

So I have BIG dreams. Dreams that I know are ALL but impossible without God. Dreams that are so big that I'm even afraid to type them. However, I want keep dreaming because I know that God is a big God. I also know that His dreams for me are even bigger than the ones I have for myself. There is a quote from the movie "Walk to Remember" based on the novel by the same name (Nicholas Sparks). "Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself." Jamie says that as she is dying in the hospital. I think it is a wonderful sentiment, as well as the TRUTH. I take heart knowing that God is dreaming BIG for me and as long as I am seeking His face, and learning His character I cannot fail! I love that God's expectations of me and for me are so different from the ones I impose upon myself.

Down to the nitty gritty...
Here are a few of my dreams...
They are not in any particular order...

Write a book
Lose weight
Have another child (or two)
Travel (both pleasure AND missions)
Lead someone to Christ (especially my children)
Climb a mountain (even a small one)
See the sunrise over the ocean
Read the Bible completely through cover to cover

Ok I have to stop now, because I'm mentally exhausted from even sharing.

I'm glad God never sleeps, and He thinks I'm NOT crazy. Because I feel crazy for even thinking these things, much less sharing them.

Goodnight.

34 Wishes....

So I'm turning 34 on Thursday. Normally I don't celebrate my birthday, but this year I am going to do so in style. No I don't mean at the spa or party. I mean I am going to celebrate LIFE. I am making 34 wishes for myself. Dreams, goals and plans for this next year. Some of these may seem trivial, but they are ALL important to me. I just wanted to share with you all because I NEED ACCOUNTABILITY!!! These are not in ANY particular order.

"Wish List"
1. Complete one scrapbook
2. Read a book a month
3. Make sure to spend some time outdoors EVERYDAY
4. Practice my flute at least once/week
5. Remember that sweatpants are for the gym or sleeping. They do not constitute a fashion choice...lol
6. Send a handwritten letter to a friend/family member each month
7. Take a sewing class or be trained by a family member/friend
8. Eat at home with my family, at the table, a HOME cooked meal at least three nights a week
9. Memorize a Scripture a week
10. Journal/Blog at least 3X/week
11. Lose 20 pounds minimum before 3/19/10
12. Stop drinking soft drinks
13. Make my bed daily
14. Go hiking (I've only been once in my life)
15. Get my flute repaired
16. Have a Girls Night Out at least every other month
17. Have a Date Night with my husband every other WEEK
18. Spend a day alone every month (and learn to like it)
19. Say "thank you" to someone EVERYDAY
20. Sing more often
21. Take a yoga class
22. Go dancing with Nathan at least once
23. Don't say "I'm sorry" for things that ARE NOT my repsonsibility
24. Record a CD with my Dad
25. Get a physical and actually do what my Doc recommends...lol
26. See the ocean
27. See my niece and nephews more often
28. Make my will
29. Pay off our credit card
30. "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger"...
31. Become a little more comfortable "in my own skin"
32. Learn, live, laugh and love
33. Try something new, bold and daring (not like changing my peanut butter brand...lol)
34. Live the Serenity Prayer!!!