Friday, June 3, 2011


So today I've literally felt haunted by memories.  Haunted by pictures, dreams and verbal reminders of past failures and disappointments.  I had a series of disturbing dreams last night featuring people from my past.  I was unloving toward my children today and found myself yelling more than I should.  Joseph randomly reminded me, in specific detail, of an episode where I had "blown it" as a parent.  I did not do something very important that Nathan asked me to, and I wasn't as careful with Jonathan as I should have been while getting him dressed for bed and he slipped and hurt his chin. 

I feel condemned.  I feel haunted and unable to shake this feeling of not being what I should be/could be or was meant to be.  My mind plays tricks on me.  Feelings dominate me.  The struggle to separate reality and emotion is real tonight.  Expectations have been set and grossly missed by me and I have been let down by far too many people.  The scales have tipped in the wrong direction and tonight it feels hopeless to ever set them back in balance.  Forgiveness is a powerful thing.  Oh how I need the Spirit's strength to allow Christ to forgive through me.  I wish I didn't have these memories.  My mind begs me to focus on the positive.  Why is it that the scum always rises to the top of the pond?  Can't I remember happy days? 

Tired of being afraid.  Tired of looking over my shoulder.  Desperately wanting to be FREE from this weight.  Such depth of pain.  An intense amount of sadness.  A feeling of loss for what was and what will never be.

I feel as if the ghost of my past and the unmet expectations of my life will ever be present.  I pray that I can reconcile them someday. 


Sarah said...

I love you friend and I am praying for you! I'm always here if you need to talk! <3

Living with Intention said...

Dang, girl! So many words of wisdom slip past me, and as each passes, I think "yea, you're right."

Blow it? Oh, girl! Welcome to the jungle. Blowing it is like what I do BEST! I should get a Master's Degree in Blowing It! Letting icky people from the past take up free space in my brain? I got an apartment building of dudes that have infiltrated my mind for the past 48 hours.

What do you do when one of your kids totally messes up? Scream and yell and call him an idiot? Remind him of all the other times he has blown it? Roll play just HOW he messed up? Make a big sign that says "LOSER" and make him wear it around all day?

Of course not. You quickly and lovingly make it right. You let him know that you love him and forgive him. And you do that b/c you are a lot better parent than God.

He wants us to stay miserable, so He knocks us down and kicks us. He brings up all our past sin and tells us how stoopid we are. He makes big clouds that say "LOSER" and hangs them over our heads all day. Then He makes the clouds rain.

HA! As if. God is a much better parent. He forgives and moves us forward and the Holy Spirit encourages us to follow Him more closely. B/c He loves us more than we can love.

I hear ya, sister. My brain is my worst enemy! But you? You are my dear friend whom I love so much. You just tell me about these icky people and I will kick their tushies! HA! (can't you just see that?!)

Saying all this to say I love you. And I am sorry you have been hurting. I will be praying for you and look forward to a day when we can chat and encourage each other. xoxo. ~CS