Saturday, November 14, 2009

A Heart that is Crushed...

I'm up because I have an excruciating headache, not to mention that Pizza Hut rang our doorbell at 11 pm for a pizza that we didn't order. We had been in bed over an hour. Come on the house was completely dark! Anyway.....

So I've had moments of extreme sadness and anger over Joseph and autism. I've had moments of wondering "what if". I've had some intense moments...but tonight I think I really let myself grieve.

Grieve you ask? Come haven't lost a child, a husband a parent. You live in America. You have a roof over your head. You have two cars in your driveway. The list goes on and on and on my friend. Yes I "hear" you.

There was something that happened tonight that I won't go into, but let me just tell you it was AWFUL. Joseph hasn't been in a "good place" this week. Well this month. I don't know what's happening with this lil' boy, but it's been tough on all of the Flints.

I hate what I think, what I feel, what I've seen and heard. I'm tired of being terrified. I'm tired of seeing that look of panic, fear and desperation in Joseph's eyes. I'm tired of watching him hurt, be fearful and uncomfortable in his own skin. I can't answer his questions. I can't stand to hear him say things like "well I'll never be able to do...., no one will like me, I can't, but this will hurt, what if I have to go to jail because I'm bad" He gets completely irrational. I mean REALLY I've NEVER said I would take him to jail. Where does he get that from? I've NEVER said I don't like him or that no one would be his friend. Is this something he really feels, or something he's heard from a movie.

I can't "speak" Joseph. I can't understand him. I just want to be a part of his life. What is his life? What is meaningful to him? Does he know love? What will his life be like in ten years, twenty years?

I am haunted sometimes by memories of tantrums (his AND mine). I am haunted by anger, sadness, horrific attempts to "connect", times of medication, therapies, etc. Sometimes I feel as if autism has taken over our lives.

I'm ANGRY. I'm hurt. I'm TERRIFIED. I'm exhausted. I'm deeply wounded. I'm so sad. I'm bitter. I wonder how much a little boy can take. I wonder how much I can take.

My heart hurts so much sometimes I can't even breathe. I'm NOT hormonal. I'm NOT typing this because I'm pregnant. I'm broken. Totally and deeply. I am so broken, and I don't know how to put the pieces back together. I want to be whole again. I want Joseph to be whole. What is whole?

It seems like the focus is always on what Joseph can't do, what he does "wrong" or what he struggles with. I am guilty of this mindset. I'm NOT blaming or pointing fingers. I'm just confessing, expressing, ok exploding. What CAN Joseph do?

As much as I want Joseph to be healed, I want to be healed. I want my heart to change. I want my mind to change. I want my family to be touched deeply. I want to look at that little boy and love him as deeply today as I did before I knew what was "wrong". I'm so tired of knowing what is "wrong". I NEED to see something good. I need to feel something good. I need something that I can not have it seems.

How can a mother even struggle with loving her son? What is that about? I'm so hurt, and just so confused. I've tried to years to hide it. I've been in therapy. I'm in Celebrate Recovery. I've read Scripture. I've prayed. I've been prayed for by friends. I've cried out to God. I've cried until I have no more tears left. I've had months and years of being "still and quiet". I'm so over it all. I've let bits and pieces of it out over the years. I want to let it all out. I'm tired of being this way.

And then there is a deep and new fear...what if James or Jonathan is autistic. I can't EVEN begin to entertain that thought or give it creedance. I won't. I just put it out there to be honest. Being honest. That's what this is all about. Joseph's life is different, and I'm not handling "different" very well at the moment. Honestly....AUTISM SUCKS.

I don't think it was a vaccine. I don't think it was a virus. I don't think it was because I was a bad mother, or that he watched too much t.v. I don't think it was caused by environmental factors. I believe honestly that when God stepped out into the blackness known as that dark void upon the face of the earth and said "Let there be light", He knew my boy would have autism. God is and WILL be glorified in Joseph's life and I pray in mine and in the lives of our family. There is something about this life that is good, wholesome and redemptive. I know it in my deepest fibers. My faith tells me this. I just need a glimpse Lord. Please just let me see You. Let Joseph see you. Meet me in my brokenness. I'm not asking for answers. I'm just asking for Your peace that passes understanding. I'm just asking...because I have been too afraid to do so in the past. I'm asking because I don't know what else to do right now Lord.

I can hardly type through the tears, and yes this pregnant woman has to go pee. If ANYONE reads this...thank you for thinking of us and if you share my faith...would you pray for us?


Sarah said...

AHH! I'm sorry about the pizza, lol! I know you struggle with Joseph's autism... but let me tell you something Ms. Janelle. I have learned more about my faith and more about being patient and loving and understanding through im than through anyone else I've ever met. He is one of the greatest kids I've ever met and he will continue being an amazing kid who touches EVERYONES lives! I love you! Your family has become part of my family and always will be! Praying for you my friend!

Darrel Prescott said...

Janelle, I grieve with you, I cry with you, and I hope with you.I dont know what happened recently but know we are here for you.

Stephanie and I love Joseph, Joy-Ann, and Jesse as if they are our own and we feel your desperation. You know the times weve been through lately and ill tel you this, I wont tell you Ill pray for you, (even thought I will be prayging), I wont tell you I understand what your going through. I will tell you this. I have never met a mother who showed such unconditional love, compassion, tenderness, understanding, dedication and Faith. You are a blessing to us daily and know that if there is ever a time when you need anything, we are here for you. You know us and know that is NOT lip service, we are here for You and Nathan and the kids ANYTIME.

I can tell you to be encouraged, I cant tel you that its all going to be OK. What I can tell you is remember in the hard times, all the love that Joseph has in his heart, What an amazing smile he has, What a loving and open heart he has. (If all else fails, there is ALWAYS Chicken Leggs....)
Janelle I sit here weeping, no sobbing for you and what your going through, and wish there was something I could do. My heart breaks knowing what your going through, and knowing your pain in thinking what if... Waht if is SUCH a HARD thing to try and deal with..... but I have a thought for you... What if.... What if jesus had NOT gotten on that cross, What if we did not have the word of God, What if..... its such a huge statement. I love you and i offer this to You.... No more what ifs.... ONLY and I mean ONLY... PRAISE. Praise God for whatever comes. We, with you hope that Autism FADES from this earth. We hope and pray for completely healthy baby Boys, (even though I still think they will be two girls....IM standing by my original prediction....""Doctors can be wrong ya know"").
One more thing my sweet friend,...
Joseph has been such a huge blessing to me. It is Directly because of Him, and his Sweet heart, loving disposition, love for all He meets that made ME decide to have a Child. Sahalia, a gift from God, the greatest Belssing in my life, is a Direct result of My relatinship with Joseph. So you see.... he does a lot more for people than Youll ever know. Hes My buddy, My friend, my surrogate son and someone whom I will ALWAYS hold a very special place in my heart for. And why you ask is he ALL this to me..... That my dear is a Direct result of the loving compassion, unconditional love, and love for God that YOU have instilled in him.
We love you, and w are ALWAYS only a phone call away.
Darrel $ Stephanie

Wendy said...

I'm so sorry! I wished that I could somehow say words that could make you feel better. I can't even pretend that I understand that I know what you are going through. But, I do want you to know that I love you! I'm praying for you and I'm here for you! You are an awesome Mother, of this I have no doubts! You amaze me with your strength! I will be lifting you and Joseph up in my prayers and I pray that our Lord God will show you all that you have asked!