I'm up because I have an excruciating headache, not to mention that Pizza Hut rang our doorbell at 11 pm for a pizza that we didn't order. We had been in bed over an hour. Come on the house was completely dark! Anyway.....
So I've had moments of extreme sadness and anger over Joseph and autism. I've had moments of wondering "what if". I've had some intense moments...but tonight I think I really let myself grieve.
Grieve you ask? Come on..you haven't lost a child, a husband a parent. You live in America. You have a roof over your head. You have two cars in your driveway. The list goes on and on and on my friend. Yes I "hear" you.
There was something that happened tonight that I won't go into, but let me just tell you it was AWFUL. Joseph hasn't been in a "good place" this week. Well this month. I don't know what's happening with this lil' boy, but it's been tough on all of the Flints.
I hate what I think, what I feel, what I've seen and heard. I'm tired of being terrified. I'm tired of seeing that look of panic, fear and desperation in Joseph's eyes. I'm tired of watching him hurt, be fearful and uncomfortable in his own skin. I can't answer his questions. I can't stand to hear him say things like "well I'll never be able to do...., no one will like me, I can't, but this will hurt, what if I have to go to jail because I'm bad" He gets completely irrational. I mean REALLY I've NEVER said I would take him to jail. Where does he get that from? I've NEVER said I don't like him or that no one would be his friend. Is this something he really feels, or something he's heard from a movie.
I can't "speak" Joseph. I can't understand him. I just want to be a part of his life. What is his life? What is meaningful to him? Does he know love? What will his life be like in ten years, twenty years?
I am haunted sometimes by memories of tantrums (his AND mine). I am haunted by anger, sadness, horrific attempts to "connect", times of medication, therapies, etc. Sometimes I feel as if autism has taken over our lives.
I'm ANGRY. I'm hurt. I'm scared...no TERRIFIED. I'm exhausted. I'm deeply wounded. I'm so sad. I'm bitter. I wonder how much a little boy can take. I wonder how much I can take.
My heart hurts so much sometimes I can't even breathe. I'm NOT hormonal. I'm NOT typing this because I'm pregnant. I'm broken. Totally and deeply. I am so broken, and I don't know how to put the pieces back together. I want to be whole again. I want Joseph to be whole. What is whole?
It seems like the focus is always on what Joseph can't do, what he does "wrong" or what he struggles with. I am guilty of this mindset. I'm NOT blaming or pointing fingers. I'm just confessing, expressing, ok exploding. What CAN Joseph do?
As much as I want Joseph to be healed, I want to be healed. I want my heart to change. I want my mind to change. I want my family to be touched deeply. I want to look at that little boy and love him as deeply today as I did before I knew what was "wrong". I'm so tired of knowing what is "wrong". I NEED to see something good. I need to feel something good. I need something that I can not have it seems.
How can a mother even struggle with loving her son? What is that about? I'm so hurt, and just so confused. I've tried to years to hide it. I've been in therapy. I'm in Celebrate Recovery. I've read Scripture. I've prayed. I've been prayed for by friends. I've cried out to God. I've cried until I have no more tears left. I've had months and years of being "still and quiet". I'm so over it all. I've let bits and pieces of it out over the years. I want to let it all out. I'm tired of being this way.
And then there is a deep and new fear...what if James or Jonathan is autistic. I can't EVEN begin to entertain that thought or give it creedance. I won't. I just put it out there to be honest. Being honest. That's what this is all about. Joseph's life is different, and I'm not handling "different" very well at the moment. Honestly....AUTISM SUCKS.
I don't think it was a vaccine. I don't think it was a virus. I don't think it was because I was a bad mother, or that he watched too much t.v. I don't think it was caused by environmental factors. I believe honestly that when God stepped out into the blackness known as that dark void upon the face of the earth and said "Let there be light", He knew my boy would have autism. God is and WILL be glorified in Joseph's life and I pray in mine and in the lives of our family. There is something about this life that is good, wholesome and redemptive. I know it in my deepest fibers. My faith tells me this. I just need a glimpse Lord. Please just let me see You. Let Joseph see you. Meet me in my brokenness. I'm not asking for answers. I'm just asking for Your peace that passes understanding. I'm just asking...because I have been too afraid to do so in the past. I'm asking because I don't know what else to do right now Lord.
I can hardly type through the tears, and yes this pregnant woman has to go pee. If ANYONE reads this...thank you for thinking of us and if you share my faith...would you pray for us?