Today is the kind of post that I hate writing, but know that I must. These are the kind of posts that show you that things in my world aren't always so pretty.
This morning at 2:45 am Nathan left our little house here in SwannaNOWHERE, NC and headed on a fishing trip to the Keys. I believe they will be spending the week in Marathon and also visiting Key West. "They" consists of Vince Anderson, Jamie Dunham and Nathan Flint. With a van full of fishing and diving equipment these men will be driving straight all day and into the night. Although a wonderful opportunity, for us truly a once in a lifetime experience, I'm struggling. You see I'm left here in podunkville with my five fighting kids. Yes even at 2:30 this morning two of them managed to get into an argument. Oh and here's the "double whammy"....a dear friend of mine Angie Barker usually helps me throughout the week. She is unable to be here due to a family illness and an emergency trip to Atwood Kansas. Now hear me, I'm not jealous of that in anyway, I'm just aware that this week has the potential to be a little overwhelming. I'm praying for all of those traveling. I'm praying for safety, protection, fun, relaxation, connection and peace.
Here's the rub. My ten year old son Joseph said it pretty accurately "It makes me sad that we weren't invited." That's how I'm feeling. No one every says "Oh Janelle, please come away with me to the Bahamas." Mom's don't get "honored" by their "employers"....hahahahahaha!!! Even as I type this I'm so conflicted. Jealousy is ugly. How can genuine happiness and excitement reside in the same space as envy, pity, self-absorption, jealousy, anger and fear? The real answer....they can't. I have to make a choice. Which feelings will "win out". I can't be led by my heart. I have to lead it AND I have to renew my mind. with God's Word.
So this week as I "keep the home fires burning" I'll fill my mind and heart with Truth and prepare myself for Nathan's arrival. I will be genuinely happy for him as he tells of his adventures fishing, walking, diving, eating, driving and soaking up the sunshine. Prayerfully as he asks me of my week I'll be able to gently relay to him the details of our "adventures" without sounding pitiful, jealous or needy. I pray that I can get some cleaning done and make his "castle" worth coming home to and maybe, JUST maybe, we can all be awaiting his arrival peacefully, quietly and without argument.
You know some day when I hear "well done my good and faithful servant" none of this will matter. Until then, I'm a work in progress. Sanctification isn't easy, but as my trainer says when I'm learning a new exercise and my muscles are burning and crying, begging me to stop, "Isn't that de-lish????", it's ooooohhhhh so good. Have a blessed weekend.