Finding joy, pure and simple in a life that is full. Seeking "Sabbath simplicity" and learning to relax in Him. Come on in, let's be real and take in my musings of life, laughter,love, faith, and family.
Nathan, Joseph and I had a special weekend together. Yesterday we went to the Fun Depot. He loves to play 18 wheeler with Dad. We always eat cheese pizza and he rides the Go Karts. Yesterady Roy met us and we had lots of fun. Jesse and JoyAnn were NOT with us (I'll explain later). Then after we returned home I went to work and Nathan and Joseph played Wii and ate hot dogs (one of Joe's favs). They played and enjoyed "guy" time.
Sunday was a beautiful day (literally and figuratively). After church we were able to have lunch with Joseph and then head to Pack Place for a concert in the Diana Wortham Theatre. This was a special gift to the three of us from Nathan's parents. Not only did they pay for the tickets, they also kept Jesse and JoyAnn for two nights so we could focus on Joseph for an entire weekend. We loved the concert. It was a concert entirely of Celtic music. The highlight for all of us was the guest harpist/composer/performer Billy Jackson. Billy is Joseph's music therapist. After the concert Joseph went up and spoke to Billy. It was a treasure to be with our boy and have some fun with him. I'm at work now, but he is at home with Dad once again playing Wii and eating vanilla ice cream. What a treat...
I hope we can have more weekends like this with Joseph. He was truly engaged and overall his behavior was EXCELLENT! He is making progress. I am blessed to be his mom.
I won't go into all of the details (if you wanna know just ask me) but yesterday I was gifted with the most amazing day I think I've had in YEARS. The most amazing part of my day is I was blessed beyond measure with the reminder of God's AMAZING and UNCONDITIONAL love for me.
The punchline of the story is I was sitting in a bathroom stall in the Inn at Biltmore crying my eyes out because I was completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed at what you might ask. At God's glory and majesty. I had seen it and experienced it ALL day. In nature, in people's faces as they smiled at me, in the conversation with my friend, in the love of my husband to let me have a GIRLS day and watch all three of the kids AND not bother me once by phone....I truly could go on and on about it.
Of course song lyrics speak to me (I wonder why..hahaha!) so here's one for you...
"How deep the Father's love for us, How vast beyond all measure That He should give His only Son To make a wretch His treasure"
I felt treasured yesterday. I felt beautiful. I felt like a beloved child of God. It was amazing, it was incredible, it was a gift, and I pray that I remember it always!!!
So I feel as if I am shrouded by a thick fog. I can't seem to get free. My mind is unclear. My feelings are conflicted. My heart aches with a deep and painful sense of longing. I am anxious and overwhelmed quite often. I feel lost. If I could just find my way out of this fog...
Do you remember that old Rolaids commercial? The one where the man says "How do you spell relief? R-O-L-A-I-D-S"
Well how do I spell "no"? Believe me, this sounds easy. However I have more trouble saying this two letter word than ANY other word in the English language.
I spell no this way: "sure I can do that","yes I'm available", "I would love to help you", "It will be tough but I'm sure I can squeeze it in", "thanks for thinking of me", "I'm honored you asked", "maybe", "I'll check on it", "it shouldn't be a problem", "let me get back to you", "yes", "sure", "absolutely", "how soon do you need that"....do you catch my drift?
I can't say no. I absolutely cannot say it. I'm like "Fonzie" was when trying to say "I'm sorry". I am paralyzed with fear, doubt and guilt everytime I try to say no. It's a sickness I tell you, but it is one that I'm working on overcoming. I HATE being a people pleaser. I HATE being someone's "yes man" and I HATE feeling afraid, anxious, guilty, sad and stressed the majority of my life.
For as long as I can remember I've been something....
~Jim and Brenda's daughter...
~Philip or Greg's sister
~The flute player
~Drum Major
~A wife
~A mother
~The singer
~The choir director
~The praise and worship leader
~The one who makes everyone laugh
You see the point....It's always that I've been something. Now I'm certainly NOT implying that this is an outside expectation solely. I know that I have become defined by WHAT I am instead of WHO I am. It's a trap that us people pleasers fall into quite often. However, this train HAS to stop. If it doesn't stop here I'm afraid it's going to crash. So, I'm goint to stop being something and just start BEING! What is that going to look like? I'm not sure. What is that going to feel like? I really don't know, but I just want to be Janelle. I just want to relax. I want to live life instead of just letting life happen TO me or around me. I want to engage mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically in the process, the journey of life.
This means embracing the reality of who I am, who I was and who I might become. It also means embracing the reality of who I'll NEVER be and coming to grips with that. Reality also means knowing that my situation cannot change instantly and making plans for changes. It means a paradigm shift in almost all areas of my life. My thinking, my eating, my activity level, our financial picture....and other things.
So, here's to a new day. A new opportunity. I praise God that "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)
I believe that miracels still happen everyday. They might not be the "water to wine" type; BUT if you look, TRULY look then you can find God's hand at work in your life in a miraculous way DAILY. I just wanted to take a moment and share how God has been working in my life in the past few days.
I had misplaced a necklace given to me by Nathan's grandmother Kitty. Kitty passed away in 1996 so this necklace was very special to me as I really only knew her for two years. I had worn it to a ladies event at our church in November and hadn't realized that it had fallen off sometime after I had returned home. I found the chain by stepping on it, and then the search began to find the pendant. I did pray about it and actually had the children pray with me. However, days passed by and to no avail. Then on Wednesday night November 28th I stayed home from choir practice (not feeling well, had a panic attack that day). The children and I put up the tree. I had rearranged the living room and had even vacuumed but still did not find the pendant. We put up the tree, COMPLETELY decorated it and on the LAST ornament something special happened. JoyAnn was placing this heart upon the tree ( a heart with a scripture from I Cor. 13 on it) and it fell off the tree. I went to pick it up and there upon the floor was my pendant shining up at me. Now I tell you. This place on the floor had been searched SEVERAL times. Yet, there it was. The first of many gifts from God I would receive over the next few days.
Then on December 1st Nathan and I had a conversation about trusting God. I mean the all out, sacrificing our own agenda, completely surrending our hearts, lifes AND finances to God talk. It was a blessing to hear that God is working in both of our lives and we desire to teach our children COMPLETE and utter dependance upon God, and so we must model that. So, as a direct result of this talk we decided to tithe again. On the gross amount. We paid our tithe THAT DAY.
*insert flashback* On Tuesday night the 27th of November I had written a prayer request that God would provide some money for a trip that we are taking later this month AND to get the kids some Christmas presents...Joseph wants the Polar Express toy that costs $130-150 depending on where you buy it. Who has that kind of cash for one present for ONE kid? NOT US!!! Nathan and I did commit it to prayer though.
On Thursday November29th we received a call about singing at a funeral on Sunday. We agreed to do it. On Sunday December 2nd we had a wonderful service which included Nathan sharing a testimony of God's faithfulness in our lives and the story of our most recent surrender. After church our financial administrator Tonya approached Nathan with a check for $100.00 given anonymously to use for Christmas. Then we sang at a funeral that afternoon and received a gift of $50. How cool is that???? Now we have enough to pay for Joseph's train. We promptly ordered it from the internet and it should be here ANYTIME!!
The hotel for our trip was taken care of (as a gift). Gas money has been given to us. Childcare fell into place. Nathan ended up receiving a Christmas bonus for the first time since he started at the Cove almost 6 years ago. God is gracious and loving. He is faithful and He delights in taking care of his children.
Philippians 4:6 says "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." The moral here is twofold. God chooses to bless and provide miracles. It is up to us to view them as such and to commit our lives and our will to him in prayer.
I am excited to see how many more miracles God is going to shower down upon the Flints in the next few days. Yet, I don't want to stop expecting them, looking for them, praying for them after Christmas. Maybe that's a miracle in itself, that God could take a hurting heart, an anxious heart, a negative heart and soften it and help me look for the positive again. Praise be to HIM!!!
So Thanksgiving is upon us!!! YEAH!! I love this holiday. However, it makes me sad that we seem to really hype up gratitude for one day and then we go back to our grumbling and complaining. Maybe I'm just being transparent, I certainly can't assume that anyone reading this has that problem (hahahaha!)
Inevitably later today I will sit at the table of my mother-in-law. I will eat wonderful food, too much of it, and then it will be MY turn to answer THE question..."what are you thankful for this year?". Well, I have been meditating abou what my answer will be and I feel overwhelmed with the list of things that have come to my heart and mind. There is one thought that rises to the top. I want to share it with you.
I have tried typing this paragraph over and over and so I'm just going to say it. I am thankful for suffering. It has brought me to the place I am today. I am thankful for my life, ALL of it. Just as Job said "blessed be the name of the Lord". He truly is the the God who gives and takes away.
